My friendship situation

I don't feel like I am doing well with my friends right now.
I have been slacking and been selfish to some but have avoided others for good reason.
I need to get out of my anti-social slump and get out there a bit more. I have become content with the wide variety of movies I can watch on my 5 HBO channels and left the cold to others.
I have used school as an excuse and told everyone I am too busy, which i kind of am. I need to do a better job with time management to be able to juggle my 25 hours of class, work and studying to be able to make some time for my friends and not just the television.
I haven't been hanging out with poonam because I do NOT enjoy interacting with megan and she is in between us, and poonam is going out more so I don't really see her at night either.
We are starting to grow apart.
Then Casey comes into the picture and we have been spending a lot of time together. Now I just need a break and I don't want to keep getting told what I say isn't valid just because she doesn't agree.
Those were my two best friends who are starting to fade a bit from me and I either need to get them back or make new friends.
I really need to hang out with shelly and the boys more because I miss them and don't go over there much. I am kind of done with drinking everyday and that is all they do.
What is a girl to do?
I still have my work friends I suppose...

Throwing it out there

I think I should let everyone, as in David and Corey, know what is going on.
I am happy.
I am not making a mistake. I may be foolish but everyone takes chances for their own reasons.
I am going to be dealing with a lot of backlash from my crazy family and would love it if my friends, who love both Josh and I, could be happy for us.
We are happy. This isn't a game, we aren't gambling for the hell of it, it's real.
Maybe I really needed to say this for myself and maybe I need people to know how I feel.
I love Josh, I never stopped and now I know I never will.

Perturbed

I am a little upset.
Look, I will support our new president. Obama will bring some change I am sure and I am a little excited to see how he handles himself and our country. I am very worried about American citizens and why it is that he really won.
Facts:
1) This election has created a 7.3 increase in voter registration and a record turnout. The only time in history more people have voted in a presidential election was in 1960!
2) The last time this many Americans wanted to have their voices heard was when another celebrity democrat was running for office, you all may remember J.F.K.
3) 95% of African American voters picked Obama, big surprise!
4)Black voters jumped 7& this election, that can not be refuted. It is fact. You can say what you will be if there were not an African American candidate that increase would not have been so high.
5) white voters fell this election while minorities increased. In the meantime total voters increased by the millions from the last 2 elections.

The truth of the matter is
a) black people voted for Obama when they have never voted before because he is black.
b) white people who are ignorant voted for obama because they believe a celebrity over an experienced, trustworthy candidate.
c) people just wanted change in general, ignorant people look at something bad and think well we'll vote for the opposite of what we have because that will be good. Most people have no clue what Obama's policies are they just wanted "change".

This country is full of morons and I am sad that our country may suffer because our desire to be new and different. Our love of celebrities and vulnerability to a good stuffed shirt with an excellent speech.
One of the things Bush was most criticized before his war fucks ups was his inability to speak intelligently in front of the public, well America wants a charismatic man, they got one.

why christians are sometimes stupid

I am a Christian, just to clarify the subject.

I read a few of my Christian friend's facebook status and was very disappointed.
1) a lot of people are saying they don't care who wins the election they just want God's will to be done.
this is ignorant for several reasons.
a) God's will will be done whether you want it to be done or not, if you read the bible you would know that.
b) Not caring what happens to your country is just not patriotic, God wants people who love him, that doesn't mean you can't care about anything else.

I hate that and it really pisses me off that so many Christians want to seem as if the only thing they care about is God. That is fine if you love God with your whole heart and every thing but you can't stop caring about your country and your life.
Our next president is more than likely going to be Obama. I am scared for this country's safety. I am not going to Canada or Mexico but I am a little perturbed by the people who are putting their trust in this man.
I trust God and his will but that doesn't mean I don't care what happens to the rest of the country.
Get some brains Christians or you'll never win smart people over to God and we'll just have rednecks and idiots.

My plots

I am plotting to get rid of my hated roommate.
Megan has got to go. It has to be her that leaves because she is the only one who makes enough to find another place, she is making both mine and Poonam's life a living hell and it is two against one.
strength in numbers my friends.

The plot started out as a joke but the more the giant-turkey-like awkwardness continues the more the hostility in the air becomes thick enough to cut with a knife.

Seriously, we both hate her. She is ridiculous and bitchy and she has to go.
My plan begins with a cat. Simple and crazy.
She claims to be allergic to cats. Well, I guess we'll find out?
Poonam and I can me mary kate and ashley olson from it takes two and just piss megan off enough to leave on her own accord thus not making it a legal issue.
It's a full proof plan.
Man, I wish I had the guts to start with bringing home that cat, whose name is Elphaba by the way.

The time of my life

The best time of the year is definitely here.
I can feel it in the air.
I can taste the excitement.
I can feel my heart expanding.
I can breathe deeper and love stronger.
Life is good because Fall is here.
Halloween is here.
The holidays are coming and that makes me extremely happy because that means it is family time!!!
The end of the semester is coming and my head is way above water.
Josh is in my life.
I am praising God everyday for everything Jesus does for me.
How could life possibly get better...besides getting rid of my crazy roommate.

What I would say

So the slutty trash whore (that's her new name) wrote me a nice myspace message. She proceeded to call ME a loser, say that I am overweight (i'm 105lbs), called me disgusting, and in detail discussed her sexual acts with josh.
Everything rolled off my shoulders except for the detailed sex details. That of course made me sick to my stomach and made her the pettiest bitch ever.

I will never stoop to her level. I have far too much class, I am far from a loser, Not at all over weight and a quite attractive if I may say so myself. Not to mention I am 4 times closer to being everything I want to be and getting everything I want from life than she ever will.

I can say with utmost confidence that if I were half as bitchy as she is I would have texted her months ago calling her out for the trash that she is. I didn't call her, text her, stop to see her, email or message her. I did nothing because I am above that. She hurt me with her actions far more than I could ever have done to her.

I don't think she realizes that SHE was the other woman, although at this point with her I.Q. and immaturity I am not sure woman is the right word for her.
I am pretty sure she is the one who is heaver than me, and who never graduated high school and is not attending one of the top 20 universities in the country.

If I did say something to her it would go a little like this...
Girls like me get what they want out of life, the job they want, the friends they want, meet the goals they have and find the love they want. Guys want girls like me forever.
Girls like you are the mistakes boys make. Girls like you end up with an std and working in a restaurant till you die.

Who's the loser now Bitch?
(don't worry, I would never send this to her. There is no need, life will speak for me)

IF...

If I were on The Office I would be pam. I would be on the party planning committee and create the finer things club. I have been planning parties like a mad woman lately and trying to be classier.
If I were on desperate housewives I would be bree because I am increasingly becoming more ocd.
If I were a super hero I would be a villain actually. I would be poison Ivy because I am a nature person and I think she is hot.
If I were a character in a broadway play I would be Elphaba because I am an animal activist and stand up for what I believe in.
If I were an animal I would be a dog because I am ridiculously loyal even after beaten with a stick and give unconditional love to my people.
If I were exactly the person I wanted to be I would be me.

Tattoo

OMG, I GOT A TATTOO. This should be national news. I can't believe I actually did it.
I never really loved tattoos. I always thought people who had a bunch were trashy. Well, I still kind of think that, depending on what they are and where.
I, however think my tattoo is extremely cool.
I got a tattoo because I wanted something to sort of define who I am. I recently have been through a lot which has forced me to try and figure out who I am and if I like who I am.
I decided that the U.F. gator's symbol defines a lot of who I am.
I know that I am a hard worker, a lot of who I am depends on my work ethic. A huge part of who I am is because of the University of Florida.
How I got here.
What I had to do to get here.
Why I wanted to come...etc.
I decided this tattoo was a must.
I finally got it.
The location defines me also but not in the way one would think. I got it on my right hip area. It may seem slutty at first glance but I really got it there because I don't necessarily want people to see it all the time. In a bathing suit is really the only time anyone will see it under normal circumstances. I wanted it to be in a place that wouldn't hurt that badly, and no one could see if I wanted to be in a classy situation.
I am so excited about having it though. I will be posting pictures soon. I love it soo much.

dating

I hate dating, it takes too much work. It was a fruitful night. I just hate the stupid games I am going to have to play.
Starting from scratch sucks.
dating is the worst

for you my friend

You know who you are this is for you. I already started the list awhile ago, I kind of had to for survival.
1) finding someone who is more emotionally available and willing to talk instead of just laugh things off.
2) needing someone who will push me when i am lazy instead of always having to push them.
3) Being able to have cats, he was allergic when too many were around. although I do not want to become THE CAT LADY.
4) being able to form a closer relationship with god, not that he ever stopped me, on the contrary but this experience has sort of forced me to look to someone when I couldn't look to him.
5) forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone, with him I was always so happy just being myself. Now I have to force myself to be more open, and more extroverted or I'll end up alone.

This list may not have been what you were looking for but it's all I got so far, this is a lot harder than I thought. It's hard to think of reasons I am better off without him when deep down I know I'm not.

low

I'm just having a rough day, maybe I am about to start my period or maybe my dreams are starting to affect my awake time.
I just sat in my car and balled for the first time in weeks. I was doing well. I was feeling better, out of nowhere in church I started crying and as soon as I got to my car I let it all go. I sobbed harder than I have in a long time. I don't even know why. I mean I know why but I don't know why specifically at church and today. I guess its that I can't take her writing on his wall and being all happy with him. I can't take him being happy with someone else while I am so miserable. It's just so unfair that I have to go through this and he will never have to go through it.

my new blog

I love my new major. For my class aee4031 I had to create a blogspot account to write my opinions about things I read in the USA Today. HELLO!!! I do that already! I love it. I'm going to get to do for a class what I already like to do.
I love to give my opinions as everyone who knows me can testify. I have really enjoyed reading the newspaper everyday and keeping up with the world, more importantly America because we are the only country that matters. Duh!
This blog therefore is going to turn into a blog just about my feelings, emotions, my day to day life. The other blog will be where you can find my opinions on important news worthy events.
there is a great article in the usa today about how men are giving women the pants to wear in the household! I love it!
I'm not a feminist but I love to learn about the dynamics of men and women and how they shift over time. This is a new ear fellows...We're in control now and Palin is about to prove it!

Openness

People have the hardest time being open. I don't get it. I wish everyone were as open as me or I wish I could get more people to open up. Maybe I do sometimes and I just don't realize it was me who opened them up.

I love being open for the most part. I will not lie to you. ask me a question and you will get the answer no matter what the question.
I really like being like this. sometimes it puts people off and sometimes I get frustrated cause I am alone in being open. It is so worth it though to not have anything bottled up, to always let myself out. The hardest thing in the world to me is to lie when someone asks me how I am doing. If someone asks...I tell. If someone wants to know what i did with my day, I tell them. I don't just say, I went to school or work. I start from the beginning and work my way down.

Being open is so liberating. I know I have nothing to hide. I know that if someone doesn't like something about me, that's ok because there are things I don't like about myself.
The only thing I am not willing to shout from the rooftop in my life right now is that i am in a Christian sorority. I am working on that, but honestly I judge myself a little for being in it because it still just isn't me. I am trying to enjoy regardless.


Everyone should try being open and honest on the most real level possible because trust me it helps me sleep at night.

Bad decisions

On friday night I made a few.
I wanted to do something involving a small amount of beer, wine or liquor.
I found Bear, Wade and Allen.

We went to XS a club that I kind of like but only for 80's night so I was actually kind of happy.
I ended up drinking 2 shots of bacardi and a beer or so. Not in that order.
I was happily anticipating just chatting it up with the guys, dancing, and going home. That did not happen.
When we got to the club I decided to have another drink, bad decision #1.
I love 80's music and was pulled up onto the stage by a guy I think is gay but also has a girlfriend. We had a great time, dancing and knowing all the words to every song that was played.
Wade made his way up to the stage and I started dancing with him, bad decision #2. Wade is a very attractive male but is kind of a douche bag. He just is angry and cynical. Well he was pretty enthusiastic about dancing closely with me even though none of the songs were slow songs.
After the club we made it back to bear and wade's place where I was hoping we would pick up where we left off on the dance floor but as soon as we got back douche bag wade reared his ugly head again and the moment was gone.
I made a fool of myself and that was bad decision #3.
There was a guy with us all who I never liked, hated in fact. He had pissed me off like 9 months ago and i hated everytime I saw him. the last couple of times he has appologized to me and we sort of made up but i still didn't like him that much.
we ended up together on the couch and I fell asleep/passed out on his chest. he randomly started rubbing my back, things happen when loneliness and liquor mix. bad decision #4.

I won't go into bad decision #5 or 6 from the rest of the weekend, you're just not ready for that yet.
I hate that i was capable of these things but it helped my confidence a lot, and allowed me to get over a lot of anger and depression. It also helped me answer some questions about how someone who loves a person can do things that do not prove that love. I still am in love with josh but was able to do things that seem as if I am not. That was a huge thing through all of this. I at least can understand how he was capable of these things. Sometimes shit just does happen, sometimes you kind of want shit to happen. Josh wanted these things to happen that he said "just happened". I let some things happen that..."just happened". I can blame alcohol all day but In the back of my mind it was kind of my intention.


This will have to count as my rebound.

Pop Culture: The future

The future is always tomorrow, but today is yesterday's future.
It's weird to think about but true.
A small instance on a college campus 6-9 months ago (I can't remember the month it occurred in) is going to be written down into our popular culture for everyone to see and remember forever. Sure eventually people will forget, but than as soon as someone says those four little words it will come popping up again.
I wonder if "Don't taze me bro" will be made fun of, at the shame of U.F., for decades to come. Maybe it will be in Trivial Pursuit, doubtful but you never know.
I bring this all up because many months after the event of a young man tazered by The U.F. police, which are basically security guards with huge egos, My USA Today crossword puzzle had a clue that read, "don't taze me___!" it was 3 down and had three letters. It was amazing. I even heard it on jeopardy last month. I can't believe that instance is not only national news worthy but also culturally funny enough to be made fun of by all facets of news and media. I want someone things else funny to happen on campus and let the whole world know about it so U.F. can be not only the number 1 party school but also number one retard school of florida. Thanks to U.F.P.D. we might just get there.

life

Life goes on no matter what happens. It does, it sucks but it does. I have to wake up everyday and live with mountain sized weight on my heart. (alright, i dont know how heavy a mountain would be but i enjoy exaggerating so keep up)
I didn't die. I did't shrivel up without josh. Well, not permanently anyway. It turns out I can live without him, but not because I want to because he wants to.
I thought for the first month, that's how long it has been since that fateful night where everything nearly killed me or allowed me to kill myself, that I couldn't live without him. I was reminded of the rent song "without you". " the world turns, but I die without you" its overly emotional and depressing but it's how I felt.
A month later I realized I can live without him. I can eventually be happy without him. I realized that no one's absence in my life will kill me not even his, which is surprising given how i already planned our future in my heart.
The thing that remains constant is that even though I can live without him, I STILL, after everything that has happened, don't want to...

my confidence exercise.

I am supposed to take the thoughts I have that hurt me and change them into something good, homework from my counselor.

Here is what I have so far.
I am sexy
I have a hot body
I have beautiful eyes
I have a great sense of humor
I am passionate
I am the most honest person anyone will ever meet
I am sincere
I love unconditionally
I am a hard worker
I will succeed at what I want to do
I am intelligent
I am strong willed
I am more giving than receiving
At some point I will love again

Gabby: Blue Healer

Gabby is a Blue Healer who I met at Pet smart here in Gainesville. She is ridiculously sweet and needs a good home who will love her. She only weighs 20 lbs but is supposed to weigh up to 35-40. She was heart worm positive when brought back to Helping Hands animal shelter. They rehabilitated her after her over 500$ treatment.
She has only a few draw backs, she seems skiddish and likes to jump up a lot.
After being in a cage for a few months I will probably have to rehabilitate her. She needs so much love. It's soo sad to see such a loving and sweet animal thrown out and without a home. I am seriously considering adopting her. She would be a perfect companion for me. She isn't too big for the apartment and isn't an annoying small ankle biter. She is loving and likes to play, she is two years old so she will be potty trained. She is leash trained because people walk her on a leash every day. She is crate trained because she is put into a crate twice a week. She is also the most expensive dog they have because she was treated for heart worms, which for those who don't know is one of the most expensive treatments there is.
I just have to make sure I haven't taken on too much with school and extracurricular activities.
I don't want to get her and then not have time to give her the love she needs. I will be thinking seriously about it and if she is still there when i decide, well, I will have a new addition to the family.
Let me know what you think I should do...

9/11 graphic novel

My new favorite thing to do is to grab the USA Today and read as much of it as I can before I get home from my day, its a mini challenge everyday. Thanks to him I am ever curious about what goes on in the world. Ever curious about politics and polices, etc. I just like to know things, that is truly thanks to him.

Today there was a sad and interesting story in the USA today. The story was about a woman who was 8 months pregnant when her husband died in one of the trade towers. It broke my heart. Well, actually it healed my heart ever so slightly. (He always grounded me to help me see things aren't as bad as I am making them, he would be wrong in this case, but they still aren't as bad as someone who is left alone in the world with a new born baby)

7 years later, she decided to write a comic book memoir. She is so strong to me. I am sure she wasn't a month after she lost her husband or even 6 months after. Losing someone you love that much is the hardest thing, in my opinion, to live through in this world. Anything is possible when you have someone you love more than anything at your side. I can imagine what she went through because I am getting a huge spoon full of that and it is hell-o-bitter.

In any case, she chose to take something painful in her life and turn her harsh emotions and feeling into a comic book/graphic novel. This is completely cool. She found someone to do her art work for her and she wrote the story just by taking things she wrote down when she was going through her first year without him.

maybe it isn't that great to most, to me it is amazing.

Sarah Palin

I watched Sarah Palin last night. Several things came to mind when watching her speech.
1) I believe she is balancing out the "lack of experience " argument many have had for the democrat's ticket. It is true, Obama is less qualified, in my opinion, to be President. Now, McCain has gone and picked someone who is possibly even less qualified. I think this sort of takes away alot of his argument on qualifications and years in the biz. Palin has only been gov. for 2 years. She in that time has done A LOT for alaska and her people love her and she is great, she "fights for them". But does she really have the experience with pressure and with larger scale government policy to do the job. I don't know. I am not convinced she is ready yet, although I think she is an awesome person.

2)She bashed Obama's experience as a "community organizer", at least he became a senator...come on. kind of a cheap and stupid shot.

3) She doesn't believe global warming is caused by man. I have to stop right there actually. There is scientific evidence that at the very least out emissions are higher than any other country besides china, and that that effects our ozone which effects the increased UV rays, which increased the temp levels of the world by more than 1 degree and is causing polar ice caps to melt at a quicker pace than other global temp. increases in the earth's history. I think the evidence that exists today should at least be recognized.

3)She is probably the most anti-environment candidate I have ever read about. Which in all fairness I have only in the last couple of years started to even read up about them at all. With that said, she does have some pretty terrible things to say about the polar bears...I guess she hasn't seen the commercial where one of them almost drowns in front of the camera. I guess they don't get cable way up there.

4) her cheap shots at Obama in the end made me laugh but were also that...cheap. That's politics.

I liked Palin a lot at first. I liked her enthusiasm, her family values, her integrity. The only thing I seem to not like about her is her policies. She is anti-environment, she is anti-sex education, sort of pro-marijuana, her husband even worked for an oil company...yeah that's great. She tells America she is fighting the oil companies in alaska yet her husband worked for them.And she does not want equal rights for homosexuals. I can't go along with that because my brother is gay. He would probably kill me if he knew I was thinking of voting for McCain and Palin.

Other than that she is good people.

Decisions, Decisions

Recently my idea of restarting my life means getting involved, trying new things, and above all doing things the right way this time.
I have many choices to make to ensure all of these ideas become realities.
1) I am going to have something planned to do at least 4 out of 5 week nights.
2) I am going to a church every sunday and church every Wednesday , which leaks into goal 1.
3) I am going to hang out with friends on campus, make sure I have a lunch date at least 4 out of 5 school days. Noonday with one of my organiztions will ensure that, it is a $3 all you can eat buffet at the BCM building every thursday.

The choices I have to make are...
Tonight I can workout, go to a bible study with BCM, go to a Rush event for a fraternity, or stay in an do homework.
I definitely have to be back by 9 for The Office, sooo excited!

I have other choices to make. There are right now 2 guys who want to "hang out" with me. Neither of them are my fav people in the world but they are both nice enough thus far.
I could go out with one of them or do one of the things already listed. I would however have to choose which one.

I like that my life has opened so many doors when one big one slammed shut in my face. I like that I get to choose now what to do instead of someone choosing what my fate will be.
The masses is right, when one door closes another opens...I just had no idea I would get so many doors opening at once.

Yay, I love making decisions.

Everyone Falls

Paul wrote to Timothy that he should guard what God has given him. Avoid godless, foolishness from those who oppose you. Paul talked about how men fail, all fall short of the glory of god. He made it very clear in his instructions what we must do to avoid being greedy and avoid moral failures.
Paul pleaded with Tim to not be like the others. To guard his love for god and his teachings.

Even the most moral of men fail. Not one of us can be perfect.
A pastor's son, Micheal Guglielmucci, Claimed to have cancer a while back. He shared his testimony of God's healing in his life and even wrote an extremely popular song "the healer" which quickly became a fan favorite all over the world. He touched many people with his testimony and he claimed that God's power Lead him to teach others and write songs about his healing.
Turns out he never had cancer, he lied about the whole thing. His father now reports that he
Did these things out of a mental illness and his sex obsession, and the guilt he felt from his fall from grace.

If a Christian man can fall that far, what does that say about the rest of the men in this world. It turns out that we all fall victim to sin... The difference is a good man picks himself up and dusts away the dirt, repents and moves on. But how do we forgive that man. How do we deal with deception, after all deception isn't deception if it doesn't deceive you. No one starts out wanting to sin, well almost no one. We fall because we don't grow in christ and than we just fizzle into the depths of sin.
Paul pleads with tim and the rest of us to hold onto what love and purity god has given us.
Paul pleads with us to not turn into the other hypocrites...are you up to the challenge? I have seen many, including myself fall from God, at what point do we forgive?

Joining a chrisitan sorority

I make lists, its what I do. In order to make any major decision in my life I have always found it useful to make a Pros and Cons list. So here goes...

Pros for joining the sorority
1. Involvement
2. creating new friendships
3. Fellowship (which is a christian word according to daniel downard) with people who will encourage me positively
4. Being forced by the laws of the sorority to do the things I came to Gainesville wanting to do and things I need to do, i.e. Going to church regularly and Joining a bible study.
5. Meeting Christian guys who hopefully won't end up being complete assholes.
6. Getting to do more things, formals, parties, events, etc.


Cons for joining the sorority
1. money, it is $160 a semester.
2. I am not the 'sorority' kind of girl, am I turning my back on who I really am?
3. I never want to be an uptight, crazy christian. which I am concerned some of the girls are and may influence me to be the same.
4. I am against buying your friends, is that what I would be doing?
5. Taking time away from the friends I already have who love me and I will be pushing aside.
6. Am I a strong enough christian to fellowship with these people?

It seems the part I am most concerned with is changing into someone else, which I will probably do with time anyway. I do hold my values and ideals pretty highly. The whole being a "sorority girl" thing bothers me alot. I guess it will have to be my duty to be who I am and not let something stupid like stereotypes and generalizations change what could be something good for me.
The pros and cons will waver in me until the time comes for me to be a pledge. I hope that I am being true to myself...I don't wanna be a sorority girl, why can't it just be a club?

The last one

I am deleting Josh from my life. I can not do this anymore. I can not try to be friends with him, as much as I want him to be in my life, right now it only hurts me and unlike him I can't push my pain away all the time.
No one knows how much this all has hurt me, everyone just looks at me and expects me to be ok and put a smile on for them so I don't make them feel awkward. I can not pretend I am ok all the time. I might be able to do it every now and then but it wears thin on my spirit to constantly hide how I am feeling. I get irritable when I hide who I am, what I want to say and how I feel.
I tried to sacrifice my feelings, my pain, and my thoughts for the good of us, our friendship and the good of our mutual friends.
It sucks that I blame myself for not being able to be friends with him when i should blame him for hurting me so bad that I can't even breathe sometimes.
I can't help but think that If I were more like him, able to hide my emotions and make jokes instead of deal with things, that I wouldn't even be in this pain right now. I would be able to laugh what he did off and deal with it that way instead of being too hurt to talk to him.

maybe counseling will help me, I hope it does.
I am going to try really hard not to blog anymore, specifically about any of this but really in general because all of it is just to keep my mind busy and to avoid what I am going through when that clearly is not how i handle things.

As much as I want to know what is going on with him, I don't want anyone to bring him up, to even talk about hanging out with him. I can't handle thinking of all my friends, our friends, meeting his new girlfriend and i certainly can't handle any of you liking her or enjoying her company.

This is my stance. If you are my friend you will know how much better than her I am, not just for Josh but also in general.

It sucks that it had to be like this but after everything that he did to hurt me, some purposefully, some not, it was stupid to even try right now. If ever.
Like my counselor said, I have to make my heart believe what my head already does. I am too good for all of this, I was too good to josh to deserve this happening. I deserve better. This will all pass and I will be happy again.

See my head has it down, that just hasn't stopped my heart from feeling the pain.

VIP treatment

Waking up at 6am is never fun no matter the circumstance. I knew today had to be great when I woke up because i was passed due for a great day.
I had to be to work by 7, which sucked. traffic occured, shit happens.
Work was boring, everyone wanted to know how the summer was...i said i am pretending this summer never happened. they all seemed curious, I ignored them.
I was only there for 3 hours so time went by quickly.
I was freaking out because i left work at 10 and have to be in class by 10:40. With driving and catching a bus, i was worried I would be late.
God smiled upon me...He sent me a limo!!!
He said to the guys at 105.3 radio station in gainesville, "Cristy had a bad summer, lets start the year off right and make her day great"
"yes God." they replied.
They sent a limo to pick me up and take me to school on time. I felt special.

Actually they do it every year and picked up other people too but I was the first person to look at the limo and say heck yes, no one else at the bus stop would be the first to get in.

My first class was fun, the teacher is supposedly gay but I can't tell. The class seems like it will be interesting and I am eager to get an A.
I had break so tried out tijuana flatts for the first time ever with a friend and one of his friends. it was tasty.

I enrolled myself into the counseling program at UF. I now have an appointment with a counselor every wed at 1pm. I am actually terrified. I think I am getting better and I am worried that telling a new person about my depression will only make me suffer more. I am leaving it in god's hands.

My second class was awesome, professor is fun, seems lax, fun topic. I get to produce and write movies, and edit them and learn to do all kinds of cool media stuff. It seems like it will be alot of fun. Also most classes with only 20 people are fun.

All in all I had some low points but I had a kickass first day, now I am going to do some decorating and read. I am glad I am back in gainesville, I missed my drunken friends.

my schedule

I am excited about my new major and classes. I have a full load. 15 credits, I am happy to be getting back to school. I am happy to have a full day ahead of me everyday.

I am taking digital media production, agribusiness management, leadership development, communication process, resource ethics. I am most excited about resource ethics and leadership development.
I will be on campus monday 10:40 to 2:45pm with a 2 hour break from 11:30am 1:55pm
Tuesday -9:35 till 4:55pm with 2 breaks, one at 10:25 till 12:50, and the second at 1:40 till 3pm.
wed- is the same as monday except I have more classes after my 1:55 class so I won't be done till 4:55pm.
Thur- is the same as tuesday,
Friday I have only one class but work the rest of the day.
Saturday I will most likely work every sat but I get off at 11:30-12 so I will always be able to go to games but I will be late to all the noon games.

This was mostly for corey so we can hang out on campus in our times off but also for david and who ever else reads this so you will know when I am available to talk on the telly.

I am excited about this up coming school year and I hope you are too!!! we're almost done, well I have more time than the rest of you but still the sweet taste of victory is coming upon me.

I will be posting to let you know how my classes go...can't wait!!!!

not so sober blog

Alright, I admit it I drank tonight. Did I drink more than I should have, probably. I haven't had alot to drink in a while its been about 4 months since I knew my limit.
I got into a fight with carmen who judged me for talking to mike under the covers of a bed while poonam was in the next room. Never mind the fact that we were just talking...

I got annoyed and talked to casey and mike about my troubles of never meeting a guy who will be as good as I thought Josh was and all of a sudden I am pegged as a whore who has betrayed my best friend and roommate.


So now I am in trouble for things I didn't even do. I hate my life because when I am sober I hide my feelings from the world and try to hide my pain from him and our friends. The truth is I am too drunk to be talking at all but she made her facebook profile public so I saw it and Now I have to realize that I am better than her. I am prettier than her, skinnier than most of her pictures thanks to my depression. Thank you to Josh, I am 20 lbs skinnier. I have much bigger breasts. I am alot classier than her, besides this blog. I have much more to offer any man than she does. sex is not included because there is more to life than fucking someone so often and without care that they turn their back on what really matters and who really cares about them.
Fuck it all.

Oprah's Transexual show

I watched Oprah today, it was an enriching experience. The show was about men who decided they could no longer live their lives as men but wanted to be women. "They were born in the wrong body", said Oprah.
I don't agree with this. I can't believe that God or nature, for the sake of the argument, would allow a person to be put into the wrong body. To be born the wrong gender? Yeah right.
I digress...
The first family shocked the hell out of me.
The mad Don, now a woman named denise was married for many years before he told his wife and 3 kids that he wanted to be a woman and has been contemplating suicide because of having to be a man.
The wife does not kill him or hate him, or even leave him. She supports him/her.
This wife who has a vagina, has a husband who has a penis. They are married and they have sex, i would assume. At what point do you tell your husband that it is perfectly fine that they turn their penis into a vagina and get boobs attached to their body and their marriage will be fine?
To me this would mean that the husband is forcing his wife to become a lesbian.

I started to imagine what i would do If my husband approached me with this situation. I would feel betrayed and divorce him. God says that i would be committing adultery if I married another man but I am pretty sure if they change sex, God will let that one slide.

It was a weird show and I think that Oprah should screen her stories cause...awkward turkey galore on this one.

Peer pong

I played beer pong tonight, not with beer but with mike's hard lemonade. It was awesome, not to drink but to go out. Not being at home watching tv, putting myself out there as a single person and just joking around with people I don't really know. It was alot of fun. I hope to meet alot of new people this year. I think I have grown alot and been able to come out of my shell more, although I have never had that hard of a shell.
Beer pong actually sucked, misty and I only played once. we played against Steve and sean. It was difficult, they are good and we are not. We lasted like 2 seconds and I drank all of out cups and none of theirs because they showed mercy on us.
I got a little buzzed and misty drove us, she had to make me leave because I was really getting into everything, talking to everyone and joking around. I am glad I drank tonight because I know I will sleep well tonight.

Thanks steve for inviting me. I had a good time.

Fullfilling a promise

When I started back at taco bell this summer I hated myself for going back, almost immediately. I began to need things to occupy my mind. I started to keep track via paper, pen, and tic marks what kind of customers came through and the qualities that stood out the most.
Here are the Characteristics...

Asshole-47
retarded/annoying- 75
drunk- 53
Dog in the car-31
Fun/entertaining- 9
Crackhead/white trash- 40
Driving off rudley- 24

Minor characteristics that were observed only a few times-
High- 9
Cute guys- 6
cute girls- 5
smells good- 2
smells bad- 1

It seems as if the retards and annoying customers won the game. The Drunks were in second place by being most previlant and of course the assholes were the next most noticed characterisitc from a taco bell customer.
I am happy to report this data to you all because I know just how important it is for you all to know what I was doing with my summer, aside from becoming crazy and depressed.

In all fairness most of my summer I spent very upset or depressed so it might not be fair that everyone was mostly annoying, maybe I was just having a bad night that night...but really that goes without saying.

In any case it was good for me to show you all how hellish working there was...now you know what I dealt with and you also know that there are far too many people drunk driving. It's sad that a great deal of them were in the same line as a cop. Gotta love how observant they are.

My new obsession

is family guy, i can not get enough...i will watch all 8 episodes that come on any given week day. I need to get dvr or tivo when I get back to gainesville...it is a must.

Gainesville will never be home.

I am heading back to Gainesville either tomorrow or wednesday. I will be going back to school. I will not be running from my heartache I will instead be walking toward my future.
I at first looked at me going back early as the only way for me to live to see another day. Now I look at it as a way to see my life start again.
Every chapter of my life has been great so far, sure there have been struggles but they have all been worth seeing come to pass. This next chapter will be the greatest of all because I will be starting it out truly on my own and without a security blanket to run to, I will be on my own. I will start this school year with a new major, new friends, a new focus and I will be dating new people.
It will be good for me to get away from this place, to put it behind me for a while but I will not run from him I will only run toward myself.
Even though i am going to gainesville for another year, it will never be my home. My home is where ever my family is, mostly just rocky though, lol.
I might be able to graduate sooner than I thought. We will see.
I can't wait to see what God has planned for me now.

Goodnight everyone, don't forget about me, I won't forget about you.

Following corey's leadership role.

I too have happy things I can blog about and just to prove you all wrong I am going to blog only awesome things for a while...we'll see how long that lasts.
The one thing I never thought I would actually enjoy watching is the Olympics. I have never watched them except for the gymnastics and that's only when I actually used to participate in the sport.
The thing I hated about the Olympics is there are way too many freaking sports. Every few seconds, as soon as you get into a sport/event they switch it up on you with some cheesy transition like, "now tumbling back over to the U.S. gymnast team".

o k, so they never said that but I could imagine some of them have wanted to say that.

I freaking love all the U.S.A teams because they have time and time again proven how awesome America is at ignoring important things like work and school and instead trained their entire lives on one activity and that is all they are capable of doing.
I am sure once micheal Phelps finishes winning every swimming award possible that he will retire and live in a mansion somewhere and doing commercials for Nike or Corn Flakes every time he needs some extra cash.

Nastia, corey's new lover, is one of the oldest girls compete ting at the olympics. It's good he at least chose the legal one. I am proud of you corey.
Nastia is also the most amazing gymnist in the world as proven by her gold medal in individual gymnastics. I was happy that she got the gold because she was underscored I thought in at least two of her events. She deserved to win my more than she did.
That of course is my expert opinion since I did gymnastics for one year when i was like 8.

The truth is I love the Olympics so much now, especially since at misty's house I can do whatever I want and watch it later because she has the amazing and unforgettable tivo.
I love watching Olympics because there are sooo many things to watch, its never the same thing. There is always a different sport on, every other second you can watch a new sport.
frankly some of these sports shouldn't have been added to the Olympics such as couple diving, who cares if you can count to five in your head and jump of a board at the same time as someone else...that should not be a sport.
I miss synchronized swimming and the version of gymnastics that involved waving a ribbon and other items around...that was just cool.

Go phelps and gooo nastia. U.S.A Rocks China like an earthquake.

This was my day.

My world was turned upside down today as I had to prepare to move back to gainesville and pack my car. I had to go through all my boxes that have been in the garage all day and pick out what i needed and what could be left here. I saw so much so much that reminded me of what Josh meant to me and what we had. There are now two large boxes filled with memories that he and I made together. 1 is a box of random scrapbook stuff i have collected over the years. The status on my scrapbook is I started it while in highschool and have only made it to my high school years in the book. I have worked on it slowly and every summer gotten through another stage in my life. Obviously this summer I have avoided doing so because where I was in the scrapbook marks the beginning of The Josh and Cristy era. For the past 5 years Josh has been in every photo, memory, every good thing that happened to me, he was there. He was there to help me through the bad and laugh with me through the rest.
Josh was my everything, that became abundantly clear as I put what he has given me and what reminded me of him into the second box. It seems as all of my life belongs in those two boxes. Half of my jewelry, cds, movies, half my games, half my nic nacs, half my life belongs to him. I have to leave it all here, everything that is of him, in orange park. I can not bare to start my life over in gainesville with all of the things from him that will remind me of what I had.
I always wanted to finish that scrapbook and work on it as life occurs. That can not happen now. I can never finish it, it is too painful to look back.
I ended up sobbing all afternoon as box after box i found things that started the tears to flow again.
My mom tried desperately to stop me from crying, she told me this is a good thing and only good things can come from my new life without him.
Everyone says that, it must be true. I hope it is anyway. I must have a great life ahead of me because if he is not good enough for me and I can do better than what I thought what the best man I would ever meet than there must be a perfect man waiting for me at the end of this dream come true turned nightmare.
Still, regardless of what I have previously said it will take me a long time to fully realize how gone Josh really is from me.
It never leaves my mind,his moving on with this slut girl who is not worthy of him. Them as a couple haunts me dreams and wakes me up from a sound sleep. I find myself crying in my sleep. They torment me.
The only way I am going to get through this terrible time in my life is to cling to God, my family, my true friends, and above all let go of my pain and anger, accept it and move on with my life...this time without him.

I have to stop focusing on what I have lost at his hands. I have to not care what he did, is doing and will do. I have to forget about him.
The trouble is, how do you forget the most important, cherished, and loved person in your life.

I leave you with my epiphany...The obituary of Cristy and Josh's love.

The couple previously known as Josh and Cristy are being laid to rest.
For nearly five years they survived through many obstacles, parents, teachers, cops at the target parking lot, punctured lungs, an hour's drive, and many more.
Through all of these obstacles they drew near to each other and comforted each other.
They loved each other with their whole hearts. Either of them would have given anything for the other. Both of them put each other first.
They made many wonderful memories together, too many to count.
They took trips together to theme parks, kentucky, visiting potential schools, debate tournaments, among many other trips.
They had countless inside Jokes about tasting quesadillas, doing baby talk, him as the baby and her as the mom, scratching legs and arms, joking about their faults, family, friends, and life. They seemingly never stopped laughing.
They shared all the same friends who will dearly miss them and the joy they two spread to others. The inspiration they were to other by their loving relationship will truly be missed.
They wanted to please each other and did so in many way, through compromising, sharing, time with each other, material things, and even with p.d.a. (scratching his legs and arms and head and neck and back)
They both loved each other so much neither could let the other go when life, college, and temptation slowly tore them apart.

The Couple's love finally died Tuesday August 12th, 2008 when one's temptation took over and the other's heart was shattered.
The love they shared will always live on in other's memories and in photos and memorabilia.
The world became a darker on this day when such a bright and loving flame burnt out.
May the love they shared be a light in the dark, a hope to those who don't believe in love. Real love did exist, let us all pray that this kind of love will next time be worth fighting for, for both parties involved regardless of what life throws at it.

We will all miss their light, love, and the life they could have shared. May Cristy and Josh's Love (feb 9th, 2004 to august 12th 2008) forever Rest In Peace.

misty groce

I have lots to say but I will say only this. Today was a great struggle for me. My sister is the best person I know. She is a saint and everyday her loves make me want to get better. I thank God for her never ending love and patience with my never ending tears.
She holds me up when I want to fall back down. She loves me unconditionally and takes my mind of my pain when no one else can.
God's love shines through her and I strive to be that way. I love her so much. I would be nothing without her, she has kept me wanting to wake up in the morning.
Misty Groce is the most beautiful person I know.

everyone except my heart turned out to be right

Everyone told me to get away from him when he started dating her. EVERYONE. Did I listen, of course not. I always without fail follow my heart. It's what I do. I always trust it because it usually doesn't steer me wrong. This time it had intentions of killing me, that it did.
Everyone told me that he didn't want me and he didn't love me anymore. Everyone said he was over me and he had already moved on. Did I listen, no i didn't listen to them, I listened to HIM. He told me he did love me, he told me he did want me, he told me he could see us together forever, he said he had never moved on. I believed him. I trusted him completely.
Everyone one was right. He can tell me all day long that he still loves me, he has and he still maintains that he loves me, to the point that he gets angry because I don't believe him anymore. The truth is and everyone has said the SAME DAMN THING. "IF HE LOVED YOU HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU". I time and time again made excuses for him because I believed him. I finally ran out of excuses, there is no excuse left.
I hope that one day soon we can be friends.
I deserve so much better.

loss

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is not something I should be going through. Yet, My best friend and the love of my life has passed away. He is dead. He died about 3 months ago. I was in denial for a good two months. I pretended he was still alive. The person who has taken his identity has told me many different things and they allowed me to get sucked into the idea that i could bring him back to life. It took me three different rounds of depression. It took me dealing with suicidal thoughts, possibly being on medication, and being dumped and heartbroken on three different occasions for the truth to come out. Finally, he is really dead to me. I am over the first stage of dealing with grief. I have accepted that he is really gone. I won't be friends with the Josh impersonator. There is no point being constantly reminded of my loss and being disgusted by this person who claims he is Josh.
I have suffered the greatest loss of my life, now I have to grieve. The next stage is dealing with the pain I am experiencing and the loss of Josh's presence in my life after his death.
wish me luck. I will keep you updated on my grieving process. I am going back to gainesville to help this process asap. I am deleting Josh from my life. He deserves a proper burial. All the photos, memories, rings, memorabilia, gifts, everything is going into a box to be left back in orange park where Josh's presence was the strongest. I doubt I will be back there except for holidays and times when I miss my sister. I am keeping the engagement ring because I can't bare to see it be sold at a pawn shop by the Josh impersonator.
I am done.
I pray that life continues on the way it is supposed to. Maybe if a miracle occurs Josh Eric Bird, the love of my life, will be risen from the dead. If not, I will be in gainesville and dealing with my grief the only way I know how, to realize he is never coming back.

a summer in review

I hope that when i look back later in life I will look back at this summer as a time of personal growth and a time spent with friends.
The only trouble with that scenario is that this summer has been the summer of the end of Josh for me. This whole summer has led up to the moment where he finally admits he doesn't want me and I am not worth fighting for.
I hope that is not all I remember of this summer.
I pray that I will be ok.
I know that I had a lot of great times with him this summer but I think for the first time in my life the terrible times that I have endured may shadow over those good times, breaking them down into a waste of my time.
count them...1, 2, 3.
I got my heart broken by the same guy 3 times in a matter of 3 months. Who do I have to blame? No one but myself.
I think it is a vast understatement to say that I got my heart broken, It is more accurate to say that my spirit and life has been shattered.
The good news is I am heading back to gainesville. The bad news is i am coming back without Josh's heart. I am on my own now. No one to care what happens to me, no one to call to see how my day went. No one to talk about the few things I know about politics with. There is so much that I already miss and I just saw him yesterday.
It is going to be the roughest year of my life.

summer events that were fun to remember...
1 going to ichetucknee multiple times.
2 seeing movies the opening nights with josh, ben and heather.
3 bible studies with david
4 times when ben, josh, me, heather, and david all got together.
5 Rock band with the shrutes.
6 spending nights with my sissy and her sort of adopted daughters.
7 scratching Josh's legs and watching tv
8 Kyle's wedding with Josh's awesome family
9 island's of adventures with misty and jonathon
10 loving on misty's cat, smokey and david's animals.
11 getting to know New Beginnings people.
12 Rededicating my life to Jesus Christ.

I will try to stand on these things and remember the good times and not the depression that I am going back into.

My man

I have grown up so much I hardly recognize myself, at least my worrisome side anyway. I know what I want from my life and I know what I want in a partner. I know myself and my strength, that which I get from God. I respect myself and as always hold my beliefs and values higher than anything else. I deserve someone who will love me for me and will want only me. I deserve someone who will realize how amazing and rare I am. I want someone who can make me laugh and won't make me cry. I want someone who has the same morals as I do and who is growing in christ with me. I want someone who wants a family as I do. I want someone intelligent who can always intellectually stimulate me. I want someone who puts God first, family second, friends third and work last. I want someone who believes in marriage and not divorce. I want someone who knows what they want. I want someone who I can trust the same way that they can trust me. I want someone who will have the same unconditional love for me that I am capable of having. I want someone who I can take vacations with and enjoy some silence but never be awkward with. I want someone I can fight with and who will fight back. I want someone who will defend themself from slander and has a high respect for honesty. I want someone who is literate, it seems like an odd request but I have seen quite a few guys who are not. I want someone who will challenge me when I am wrong and someone who will accept when they are wrong. I want someone who will value me. I want someone who will hold me without me having to ask just because they want to, someone who will understand when i am angry and act accordingly. Someone who i do not have to spell everything out for, someone who will care to know my habits and know my personality well enough that I won't even have to say what I want. None of this is too much to ask because almost everything I have already had. I refuse to believe I won't find what I want out of my significant other because I already had it and now I have to either keep it or find it again, depending on him. I don't believe in love at first sight and I am a rational and logical person, I expect the same values in the person I love. What I will not tolerate is being second choice or being a backup. I deserve better and i will get better if that is the case. I stand firm in what I want. Let no man take from me what I have finally found. Self worth and self respect.

Growing Up

I have grown so much in the past few years, but really it has been the last few months that have really shaped me to who I know I will become. It is the hard times that you go through that determine who you are, that and how you deal with them. At first I cried everyday, I got depressed, I lost weight, and I whined. That was the beginning. Now I have reached a healthy place. I have realized that whatever happens I have to move forward. I have to continue to live my life no matter who is in it or who is not. I have come to the conclusion that I am worthy of only great things because I have only the most committed love and honestly to offer whoever I love. I have realized that nothing I do is worthy of praise. Only God is worthy of praise and he and he alone got me through this great ordeal in my life. God is who I will follow and God is towhom I gave my life. With all of this said, I am here to say that my life is still hard. I am still dealing with alot of loss and heartache, I am still dealing with the drastic change my life has taken as far as my education was going and whatever future career I was going to have, and finally now I am dealing with a deep debt with rent and possible eviction. Years ago, as only Josh can vouch, I would have freaked out with all of this upon my shoulders. I would have cried and thrown my hands up saying i am doomed and there is no way out. I would have flipped especially with the potential eviction. Now I can proudly say I am not fretting about any of it, I know one way or another I will get through it, if I don't get through it than God will find another way. There are only two options in life. 1) to life with what comes at you. 2) to kill yourself/give up/roll over and die. Those are the only two events that can occur, living or not living. I will always choose to live therefore I will not worry about the way in which I get through the hard times i will just hold fast to the FACT that I will get through them. I have been able to forgive more than i could ever thought I was capable. I have been able to survive what I never thought I could or would even want to survive. Here I stand and here I will continue to stand.

a sad fact

Today at work I got to know a kid, only 16. He is mexican but looks Indian, not native american.
We got to talking about all sorts of things. Just getting to know you stuff. Out of almost nowhere he starts to tell me about how his latest girlfriend was crazy and pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have gotten a std from him.
This honestly shocked the hell out of me.
Sure, I generally don't think about whether or not someone's sexual experiences may exceed my own because thats just weird to think about. Generally without even realize I am doing it I assume that people have similar values to me as far as sex and money, etc.
This could not be farther from the truth.
This boy who is only 16 admits to me that he has already had multiple sexual partners and two of which have claimed they were pregnant from him. this kid is not a huge stud, he is just your average mexican.
He said that the girls he dates are sluts, " they are the ones who open their legs" he tells me. I am pretty sure he got that I was shocked and afraid I would think he was a slut, or a bad person. I am sure my facial expressions gave my judgement away.
I didn't mean to judge him, it just shocked me.
It began to piss me off that he said the girls he slept with were sluts but not him because they spread their legs. It geniunely pisses me off the way guys think of girls.
Maybe girls in Texas, that's where he is from, are much more loose. Maybe all girls are much more loose than I imagine.
Maybe I am a huge prude?
I was very shocked.
I could never have sex with someone I did not truly love. I don't get how people could.
Maybe My views on sex are completely skewed or maybe the world has turned into a big orgy and no one told me.
The way he talked about his sexual experiences with me was so awkward for me, 1) we were at work. 2) I barely knew the kid. 3) I think he was hitting on me because he kept joking with me about it all and making comments.
I hate that i felt so self righteous because i had stronger morals and value than he does. i actually felt like a better person than he is because of his life choices. I know it is wrong and I should never think these things. The truth is I am proud of the fact that I am not a slut. I am proud to say that I have only had sex with one person and I have no desire to add to that number. i can stand proudly and say I love sex, But I don't need to sleep with more than one person to feel validated.

skin

Our epithelial tissue is absolutely amazing. How resilient it is and how it stretches and protects us against anything from mere dirt to harmful microscopic organisms never ceases to amaze me.
I recently have been painfully reminded of how amazing our skin is in two different circumstances.
1) my wrist acquired a second degree brun from a grill at taco bell. That was 3 weeks ago and it was very painful. The first thing I did was to put neosporin on it, which was a big mistake because I apparently am allergic to that now. The amazing thing is that ver time the skin that was being repeatedly burned by the neosporin allergic reaction has been worse off then the actual burn. New skin cells formed in the place of the destroyed cells. my arm's skin grew back together and the only scar I will be left with is the afterburn of neosporin. That to me is amazing. After being deeply burned and continuously attacked, the skin continues to prove it's ability to heal and replace itself.

2) about a week ag0 I got a terrible rug burn, in a very interesting way. It is right on my lower vertebre. It wasn't painful to get but the aftermath has been more than irritating.
Everytime I bend over or crouch down the skin that would normally stretch to allow me to do such things without notice is very annoyed with me.
I can feel every stretch in the now scabby skin that would normally stretch at least a couple of centimeters to give me room to move around.
You don't think about how incredibly fascinating your skin is, but really the human body is just down right intriguing.

The trustworhiness of men, for real this time.

I spoke irrationally. Hope can never be truly lost. Hope is what keeps the world turning, hope that things will change and things will always get more advanced and essentially better. If no hope had existed that one day The colonies would be free we would not be here today. If Hope didn't exist there would be no point, to anything. Hope in a brighter day and in what is to come is what keeps everyone going...the future is what people look toward.
With that said I have to admit I have lost some hope in future happiness with the male gender.
Lately I have seen only the piggish side, the testosterone driven, selfish and degrading bastards that you all can be at times.
I have to hold onto the fact that you all and in fact we all as a species have to go through an emotional roller coaster some times in our lives. We are all faced with the same temptations and doubts about the opposite sex and what we do during these times defines us but only in that time.
I would like to refer to this time as the "oat sowing" period for men and the "wondering" time for women.
Yes, we all falter and need time to explore what could be out there. The idea of the unknown is a powerful one. It can cause separations, divorces, breakups, and sometimes suicides or depression.
Getting through this time in one's life is imperative for success.
The time is obviously meant to be when you are young and gaining more confidence in yourself. This time can last as long or as short as you make it last.
Me personally it last only months. Apparently for other it can last year and potentially a lifetime.
Let's HOPE it doesn't come to that.
It is in this Oat sowing or wondering time that the person decides what they do want in a mate, life partner, husband/wife or general significant other.
It is also when the said person decides what they do not want.
I decided over a year ago what I wanted and have not faltered much since then.
Yes, I won't lie I have been disappointed, heart broken, lost, depressed, broken in general, and just plain in a bad situation.
The problem was the pedestal I created for that person and the idea that he was perfect.
The truth is no one is perfect that however does not mean that no man can meet an expectation a woman has.
Just because people will inevitably let you down at some point in your life does not mean that no one can be trusted or that a man will never be able to be true to a woman. It also doesn't mean that there should be no hope that real love exists.
...I will continue this later.

The trustworthiness of men, the female version

I will be rewriting this Just so you know.

Why I wish I had Tivo

1) The office whenever I wanted without having to spend almost 100 dollars on the seasons.
2) Family Guy because I never seem to be home when its on.
3) Coming home to a list of tv shows I missed just sounds like heaven.
4) Letting a machine decide what programs I would like to watch sounds intriguing.
5) Trying out a bunch of new shows just cause they're there.
6) not missing potential great shows because the office is on...I wouldn't miss the office for the world.

There are many reasons I would want tivo and only one reason I can't have it, Its freaking expensive. I am poor.

pet peeves

the following are a list of my pet peeves...
1) guys who wear their pants down past their butt so you can see their ass crease.
2) pimped out cars that are so low to the ground that all the money they put into making it that low they will have to put into fixing it when they go over a large bump in the road.
3) being allergic to important healing devices such as neosporin, and to think I have never been allergic to anything until last year.
4) fake people.
5) Inconsiderate people
6) broken promises.
7) people at a drive through who ask, "are you still there?". No, we left.
8) Not following through with what I said I would.
9) Being late.
10) Fickleness

** watching a best friend turn from their morals and turn into someone they wouldn't even recognize or respect**

"God's strength is shown in my weakness"

That has never been more true than with my circumstance. Every second of every day I have to fight the urge to fall deeper and deeper into depression. I am fighting my own thoughts, I am fighting the will to give up every second I am awake.
Yet here I stand, victorious over the night.
I woke victorious and refreshed from a night of fighting my demons as they try to wake me numerous times from a deep sleep.
Here. I. Stand.

My revolation

I was with my friend david today for a short bible study while he checked on how I was doing. It was really good. I have been reading a great book called Victory over the darkness, it teaches you how to realize who you are in christ and therefore who you are in life. I have not yet finished it but it is helping a little anyway.
We were reading some scriptures together when I came across something that changed who I was and will become.
Over the past two years college has been slowly breaking down my belief in God, my faith in general and to some degree my morals although they are almost completely in tact.
I realized that I was hiding from the light because I wanted to be in the darkness, I didn't want to live my life according to christ because it was easier not to.
It was easier to go out and get drunk than worry about my problems. It was easier to pretend everything was ok then to actually deal with the hell my life has turned into.
It was easier to say God didn't exist or the bible wasn't really from God because it was written by men than to actually sit down and read it.
The truth is I was lazy, I didn't care and didn't want to start caring.
I needed something to wake me up.
When my life was turned upside down and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die I turned to God because I needed some light. I needed someone to love me and someone I could trust since I could no longer count on Josh to be that person.
I realized the error of my thinking. If there was no God I would be dead by now. I would have committed suicide weeks ago.
God and the hope that peace will find me is the only reason i am alive. God, misty, david, and sadly Josh are the reasons I am alive. Ok, there are many reasons I am alive but in all honesty I might have given up living if not for God.
I still want to sometimes when I am feeling really low, I do sometimes want to give up, throw in the towel and say life is too freaking hard, I don't want to do it anymore.
I don't do that because I know there is some good that will come out of all of this hell and I want to look back and see what it was because right now no good is coming to me.
Josh always told me that in every bad situation something good always comes from it. I always hoped he was right, Now I am praying and believe he has to be right or there is no point.
Josh used to be the strong one in christ, he was the major christian who was diving into the bible and God's word, always hungry for more theology and knowledge about christ. Things have flipped and flopped a bit.
Now I am that person.
I pray that truth wins. I pray that God's will be done in this situation no matter what that will is, I need hope.

my tattoo

the tattoo Ideas I have are the following...
1) the lorax with the words "unless" underneath
2) a spiderman signal in the shape of a heart
3) "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" hebrews 11:1
4) the words, broken by man, healed by god. It has many meanings both biblically and emotionally

That's all I have so far...let me know what you think.
This is for you Josh because I realized that I don't want a tattoo to impress you, I want a tattoo to signify that I know who I am and that won't change.

sacrifice

I am putting it out there that I do not hate Josh. I am extremely hurt beyond anything I could have ever imagined in my lifetime but I do not hate him. I love him in fact. Even after everything he has put me through, I still am in love with him. Granted, after all the hurtful things he has done to me some major act of god or gigantic gesture of love from him would have to happen for me to get back together with him.
I won't lie I sometimes think of going to his house waking him up in the dead of night, if he ever sleeps at his house, and punching him square in the face.
The truth is no matter what he does to me I will always be there to support him. I may not always love him, if he keeps doing the things he is doing the love may eventually burn out or be directed toward someone who actually wants it.
I guess what I want to say is I will never turn my back on you. I may get angry with you but I am more than entitled to feel that way.
We will always find a way to laugh with each other no matter how broken I am.

All the things I hate about you.

I hate that I never knew you were a liar. Your constant lies make me think I don't know you at all.
I hate that you were able to break me down this much but if you wanted you could build me up just as quickly.
I hate that you led me on at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
I hate that you are choosing her over me even though she won't be there for you when you need her but I will be.
I hate that you were capable of sleeping with her so soon.
I hate that when I wanted to sleep with you, you were always too tired but are never too tired to go to her house and sleep with her.
I hate that you are getting away from god when you wanted to get closer to him.
I hate that you may be turning into a bad person now.
I hate that she will be able to change you into someone you don't recognize because you are so easily sculpted by others.
I hate that you can't see what you had.
I hate that you choose someone over me who will only cheat on you as soon as you turn your back, I mean she cheated on her boyfriend with you and you really think she won't do the same to you?
I hate that you would want to sleep with her one last time before you got back together with me but would never cheat on her with me.
I hate that she will drag you down with her, she is a loser with no ambition or goals in life except to get a free ride from her parents.
I hate that you used to deserve me and you don't anymore.
I hate that I would still do anything in the world for you.
I hate that I love you unconditionally but your love is fickle, your love's condition only reaches to the city limit.
I hate that I know no one can love you as purely and as strongly as I do.
I hate that our connection is still so strong that we can laugh even at the worst moments of our lives.
I hate that you made the wrong choice.
I hate that when you realize what you have done it might be too late.
I hate that you still say you love me, how can that be true?
I hate that we may have lost each other forever and you don't care.
I hate that you would rather ignore me and discard me than to deal with me because I am in pain and you don't want to remember or see that it is your fault.
I hate that i ate up every thing you told me about how much you loved me and wanted to be with me, that you were willing to do anything for me to trust you again.
I hate that this pain may never go away.
I hate that I was the best thing to ever happen to you and all you want is the worst thing that could happen to you.
I hate that I miss you when you are not missing me.
I hate that I would rather be hurt than to live without you in my life.
Most importantly, I hate that you one day will regret loosing me when you could have had me.
I pray that she doesn't change you into someone like her. I hope that when the time comes you will have the balls to admit you were wrong. I pray that my heart won't be cold as ice when that day comes.
I pray that days like today will continue, days where I get hit on and get asked out repeatedly.
I hate that today was soo good because it proves I am desired by many even if it isn't you.
I hate that when I go on this date it might crash and burn because you are still in my soul.
I hate that I won't hide my feelings from you like you hide from me.

It's all just words

Everything you read on here is just words. I can not say what i truely feel. I can not grasp what I feel. I can not predict th future. I have lost.

I quit

I give up. I have done everything in my power to show josh how much I love him and have only been rejected time and time again. Led to believe we were going to be together again I had so much hope and happiness on the line. That is all forgotten.
All that is left of me is an empty shell. There is a whole in my heart where Josh used to live.
He just couldn't be honest with himself and therefore could not be honest with me. He will probably start a relationship with zorah and I will be forgotten. It started out that he didn't think we should get together right now, and it quickly (within hours) turned into "I want to give it a shot with zorah" mentality.
Everything changed before my eyes. Every piece of my already broken heart has been severed once more.
I have to quit.
I give up.
It's your turn Josh. If you want you're space. Then ask for it. Don't hide behind protecting me. If you are starting a relationship with her than I deserve to know after all "I am the girl you are in love with"?
If you are still confused and still want to be with me but also want to be with her than i need to know that too.
If you want to still be friends while you date her then give me time, I will come around, after all, I can't ignore you and you can't ignore me, we are too important to each other.
I will not be the one to call you. I will not be the one to seek you out anymore. If you want me, if you want to talk to me or spend time with me....you know where I am, you know my number.
If you are going to date her I will not wait for you any longer. It is your decision. If you have already made it, I deserve to know.
I officially quit you if thats what you want.

exercising the demons

corey gave me so really good advice one day. he said when the day comes that Josh wants you back don't let bitterness and pride stop you from getting what you want. True it wasn't word for word but its the general idea.
I had no idea this advice would come to be needed so soon, alas life is funny that way.
I have not let pride stand in my way of getting back what I have wanted for over a year. That's the good thing. The bad part is that I am still hurt. I have forgiven him, I haven't yet been able to forget what has occured. In essence bitterness has taken over my life.
I think far too much.
I think so much it hurts me, physically. Whenever I think of Josh and Zorah together I want to vomit and I lose my appetite for an entire day. I have lost quite a bit of weight this way.
I know what to do to fix my problem and allow me to get all I want.
What I don't know is how to do it.
I know I have to find a way to block those images of them having sex out of my mind. They are so vivid it makes me sick to my stomach. Because of these vivid images I have been having lately I have been unable to sleep or eat.

The funny thing is i did get what I wanted, he ended things with her completely only leaving their work friendship. he did this with the intention of us getting back together. The problem is I don't know if he still wants to be with her and is giving her up for me or if he wants to be with me so much that no other woman is capable of stealing his attention.
That isn't the only big question here.
My big question is am I still to hurt to get back together with him?
The truth is yes I am still very hurt. But with total honesty I can say that I have forgiven him and I know without a doubt that his love for me is real. It isn't a matter of trust if/when we get back together not for long anyway because I know without a doubt in my mind that he would never cheat on me when we are together.
This is a matter of are we both ready to get back together. I think we are but I think it will be tougher than we expected. No nothing will just go back to where we left it. We have both changed and we changed together for the most part. With the exception of the things that haunt me.
There in lies the problem...I am haunted by my demons.
I have to find a way to 200% ensure myself that this is in the past. That way I can forget it happened.
Forgetting and getting all of these images out of my mind is the only way for us to make it.
Do I want to get back together? With all of my heart, yes.
Am I too hurt to get back together? I don't know. I feel like I was starting to get over it all I was starting to be ok then bam I find out he made out with her on the eve of us getting back together. it brought all the bad thoughts back to the fore front and I was broken again.
I think that was worse than I let on, I think I was more hurt than what can be fixed in a days time.
it was wed morning when I found this out and it is friday night right now. Alot has happened in 2 days. Alot of good but the bad lingers in the back of my mind.

It is killing me to think that half the reason we are not yet back together is because I am still in pain, I am still experiencing some after shock.
I can not be the reason I feel like this.
I can not be the reason I am not happy. If I continue down this path I will turn into corey just as he warned me. Worse than that I will turn into sean, Kristen's crazy ex-boyfriend who couldn't cope with the past.

Time will heal all. I have to look to the future and stop looking to the past. As soon as I think back my demons attack me.

here is the truth.
I need time to be ok.
I do not however want time away from you, after all you are what makes me better. you bring out the good in me.
My verdict stands-I want to be with you. together we will get past this. After all, everything that has gone wrong in both our lives we have tried to fix together. We stand stronger together than either of us do apart. We should keep that in mind from now on. I should also keep in mind that I won. I got you back and have no reason to be jealous like you said. God and you alone are what will get me past this bump in the road.
So though I can not promise I will never get upset again, though I can not promise you I will never cry again, and I can not promise you I am ok right now. I can promise you I will be ok as long as you are there to be my voice of truth and reason.
I can promise you that I will do all that is in my power to make your doubts go away and make my own demons exercised.

what happened to me

what happened to me? Why can't I be ok with this. Why can't I let it all wash over me, turn the other cheek. Forgive and forget.
I am starting to think I like to be hurt. I feel like I thrive off of feeling hurt and unloved. jealousy is becoming my new addiction.
creating situations in my head is my new game.
Every time I start to feel o k I do something or say something that makes me not o k.
Josh tries his best to comfort me and to show me how much he loves me and to spend time with me but all I do is harp on what he has done to hurt me. All I do is dwell on this girl and her presence in his life.
i physically can not help it.
a friend the other day asked me what happened to you?
She said I used to be so strong and independent. I didn't need a guy. I was my own person.
I don't really know what happened to me.
It can't be attractive. Maybe if I turned into a whore and pretended i didn't care things would be different right now.
I miss when I wasn't a bitter person.

logic and rationalization

I like to reason. I feel like reasoning and logic are the only two things i am really good at. Maybe I'm not actually good at them but I feel as if I can reason the hell out of any situation. That is what makes me a great decision maker.
The only area of my life where this logic seems to faulter is my love life, or lack there of.
logically I should not be thinking of Josh at all. I should not trust him, he has given me no solid evidence of his fidelity toward me in the future.
I have absolutely no reason to believe that when I return to Gainesville that he will not pick up where he left off with zorah and I have been given no evidence that she is not continuously trying to get back into his pants. On the contrary.
I know for a fact that they will continue to hang out. I know there will be nothing to stop him from going to her house when he gets bored or lonely.
I'm not saying that he wants to be in a relationship with her, god knows he has drilled that into me. What I am saying is that I have no reason to trust that he will not be easily seduced again. I have no empirical evidence that history will not repeat itself.
I feel as if i have made it too easy for him.
Logically when something like this happens the person who is hurt does not do all the appologizing and does not continuously put themselves out there to be hurt yet again.
Again, not so much with the logic and rationality when it comes to matters of Josh. I just always thought our situation was above reasoning and logic and was only fit for matters of the heart.

August is starting to scare me.
I am starting to worry that my heart is going to lose this battle and my head will win.
logically I have no reason to trust him. My heart tells me he would never cheat on me. That if we got back together he would be 100% mine and no one else's. My head tells me that even if we got back together with me being "out of sight and out of mind" all is fair in love and war.
We can both agree that he is not ready to get back together with me. But why am I so quick to say I would take him back?
Isn't this whole situation illogical?
I went from being completely distraught and slightly suicicdal to happy?
Does any of this even make sense?
I am so confused...
I just want this summer to go on forever. I am finally happy again and all I can do is wonder.?.?

What will happen when I go back to gainesville. Will he realize that even though I am away I am worth holding out for?
or...
Will the next best easy thing steal his attention while I am "out of sight, out of mind"?

doubt

I have my doubts. I am sure everyone does. Mine take me a little too far. I have been able to control myself 85% of the time. (That is a rough estimate.) I have heard the truth but I can't believe it will come to pass. I have doubts. I am lacking faith. I am lacking independence and self control.
...more to come on my inadequacies

everyone's favorite place to eat....apparently

I obviously work at the best fast food restaurant and everyone's favorite place.
In the past three days my ghost has been through the drive through that I stand at every single night. It's so odd because I know she knows nothing about me. I know she has no clue what is going on. Now everyone I work with recognizes her and tells me when she comes in. Apparently she eats no where else.
I actually talked to her today. I said "hey, you're zorah! do you know who I am? " Of course she replies no she does not know who I am . I simply say, oh well we both know josh bird I am his friend.
that is all I said. That is all i wanted to say. I just wanted her to know that everytime she comes here and i stare at her it isn't because I'm a lesbo its because I know who she is.
It made me feel better. I am glad I said it, I am sorry it pissed Josh off but it was innocent. He should be happy that is all I said and all I will say. I would never want to hurt him or cause him trouble. In all fairness every time I see her, which is alot lately I lose my appetite and want to vomit.
But I would never tell her what I truly want to tell her...you can rest easy Josh Bird. I would never do that to you.

I saw a ghost today

Twice actually.
I went to Ruby Tuesdays with my sister for her lunch break. I really wanted a carolina chicken salad and I wanted to see Josh But I also kind of wanted to see what the other girl looked like. I didn't really but the curious part of me did.
So we went up there and sure enough she was there waiting tables. She was wearing classes and her hair in a half bun. she knew nothing. She had no clue that I not only knew who she was but Hated her just for what she thinks is normal, seeing some guy at work and sleeping with him right after she met him.
I hated her but I still was so curious about who she was. I stared at her while I was going into the bathroom, This was the girl who has made me cry for the last 3 weeks. this is the girl who destroyed my world as I knew it.
I tuned into my manly side and rejected my feelings putting them off because I know I am still more important to Josh than she is. I was ok.
Later,
I had to work from 6pm to 4 am .
My night was going alright. It was slow so I was just surfing the net and talking to people. I was having a good time at work.
We start to get a few cars and all of a sudden I look up. It is a girl with alot of makeup in a red cavalier. She was wearing a green shirt and a sweater. she had her hair down and had her glasses still on. it was about 1am. I wasn't one hundred percent sure it was her. I missed my chance because I didn't have the balls to ask her what I was about to ask her.
I wanted to ask her "is your name Zorah?"
I didn't do it. I didn't want to hurt the time. I am kicking myself in the ass for not saying anything.
My first thought is I wonder if Josh invited her over to his house for a change. I didn't know she lived around here.
I called him, woke him up to confirm that who I saw was actually who I saw.
It was.
It was her. It was like seeing a ghost.
I came to her job and now she was at mine.
As soon as she left I died a little because I actually talked to her. I took her money, and handed out her food. She asked for a drink that she didn't order origionally and I said...oh we don't have that for you, but here you go. Don't worry about the cost.
I was actually nice to the one person I hate right now.
The only thing I can think now is that I am dying inside because of what I just experienced but she has no idea who she just met she has no idea that the girl at the taco bell drive through died a little because she had sex no more than a week ago with some guy.
She will never know what she has done.
She will never know who I am or how hurt I am.
She will never knew that I knew who she was because I didn't have the balls to ask, "are you Zorah?"


I will always know.

i want out

I want out of here. I know its a holiday but today at work the only thing that i could hold onto to get me through this was that sunday I would be off and going to church.
I am excited about church. I want to get back to my faith. I want to stop being lazy and stop coming up with excuses why I can't believe in god or jesus.
It's so much easier to live the wrong way than it is the right.
Now I am not saying that everything will change at once, I am merely saying that i want to at least try to believe again. I have faith in something. I feel hope and to feel safe.
I don't know what will happen when I get back to gainesville because of a little thing called peer pressure.
I hope that I can continue to go to church there too but staying up till 4 am and getting up at 9am is not my cup of tea no matter what the occasion.
we'll see.
I guess I just want to put out there into the universe that I want out of here. Metaphorically, physically and every other kind of way.


Good news- i got my appetite back. It wasn't good for my health but I was losing quite a bit of weight on the depression/ loss diet.
I lost over 7 pounds in less than 5 days. I consumed no more than 2500 calories in a week.
that is not good.

The Good news is I am much better now and all it took was Josh. Turns out I needed the antidote much more than avoiding the poison.

going out

I'm going out tonight. I hope alot of drinking helps me to get my mind off some stuff. I wish I could say what I really want to say. For the first time on this blog I am going to hold back. I won't share my feelings. Maybe I can bottle up my emotions. we shall see once i am drunk...maybe i'll write to you later, maybe I won't

be careful what you wish for...

The funny thing about this is that I wanted Josh to date because I knew when he did he would realize what he had.
The thing I forgot to think about was the fact that he may take his dating experience much further than me.
Well that has come to pass.
I got exactly what I wanted...just like I wished he is dating someone else. He is having sex with someone else. Just perfect.

The truth is I am almost done with my problems with breathing, I can breathe now. Sometimes I have to take an extra breath to regain myself. I will still cry sometimes. I think that my sobbing is over.

I hope it is.

I went to gainesville yesterday, My mom couldn't stand me crying all day on my day off. She made me get out and I love her for that.
I cried the entire way there and the entire way back but on my way back I cried for different reasons.
When I got there I was a wreck then I talked to my roomie and she put me and my thoughts into perspective, they helped me to organize my thoughts.
When I came back I wasn't crying because I was falling apart without Josh. I was crying because I knew it was over. I finally excepted that we won't get back together anytime soon if at all.

When I got home I made a list. I wrote down all the things I was hurt by, all the things I still didn't understand and needed answers to, and not the sugar coated version I knew I had been getting to spare my feelings. This time It had to be real.

I probably shouldn't have called him but I did. It was the first time I knew I could talk to him without tearing up.
So I did call him and we had a long talk. It was good talk because we need to get on the same page.
I needed the truth. The real truth.

I got it.
He told me that he did have sex with her, I didn't cry. I already knew it but that didn't stop me from hurting just because I was right.
I didn't want to be right but I was. Yay for me I can tell what is going on...woohoo. who fucking cares. I didn't want to be right.
I needed to know if he had slept with her from his mouth because I knew when he said yes that it would change everything. It did change everything.
1) because I didn't know he was that kind of person
2) because I never thought he could sleep with someone he just met.
3) because I never knew who he was could change that drastically.
4) because I never thought he could do that to me, even though he didn't do it to hurt me and we aren't together, It did hurt me and he knew it would. I never would have done that. I never did anything major with the other guys I dated.
5) because I thought we had the same morals.
6) because we lost something we had when they had sex. He tainted what we had. He changed what we had for five years in the matter of 30 mins of passion.
7) Because it makes me think of him differently
8) because I cant trust him the way I used to, completely and openly with everything.
9) because I will never be the same again.
10) because I needed a number 10.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I do understand that he didn't cheat on me. I do understand he had no intention of getting back together.
The thing that bothers me the most is that he is a different person to me now.
I know My josh is still in there or at least I hope a part of him is but this changed who is he, at least to me.
I hate him so much for doing this. When he was hurting I didn't go out and have sex with some guy. I did meet other people, I did make out with other guys. I never did that to him though. I couldn't have.
I guess that is the difference between me and josh, even though I wanted to date other people I never stopped loving him, but he stopped loving me.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I am trying to think that almost everyone has more than one partner in their lifetime. I am trying to think of this as an adult. That it was just an act. It was just a physical act that means nothing. It is hard. It means something to me. Even when Josh and I were having sex all the time, it felt like it was just sex, it felt like we weren't in love at that time and we were just using each other. Maybe we were using each other like he and that girl are using each other.
It just felt different because I actually did love him. And not his definition of love that he has for me, a friend love and that is it. I have never really just thought of him as a friend.
He has been a friend with benefits at times. But those benefits weren't just sex, they were holding each other and kissing and being there for each other emotionally.

I can not believe that he loves me when he is capable of having sex with some girl he barely knows But now I know the truth. He doesn't love me, not in the way I thought he did.

I know he will always care for me. I know he will always care about me. But now that I know he can;t see us getting back together and he doesnt love me that way anymore. That makes things different.
I thought we were going through the same things. I thought he just needed to see people like I needed to see other people and go out and meet other people. Now I know he wasn't doing this to eventually get back together with me Like I was thinking when I went through this.

Things are different. I wish I knew sooner how over me and us he really is and it seems has been.

Now we just have our friendship left. I know we will be ok. I know this because I didn't cry on the phone, even when he told me the one thing that could make me hurt more than I already did.
I didn;t cry last night. I teared up this morning when i woke up and could picture him having sex with someone else but that is to be expected right now.

It doesnt seem like it from the way I have been acting and the way I have been writing in this blog but I really am starting to feel ok. I don't know how long this peace will last but right now I am holding onto it for dear life.

I wish I knew how long it will take me to be in love again. I wish I knew how long it will take me to not wish for what he had.
I do know that no matter what happens he will wake up one day just as I did, He will wake up and wish he could go back to what we had. He may never regret what he is doign now but he will regret that he had to go through this to be back where I am. When he does wake up and realize what I have already realized I hope that I am not long gone. If I am long gone I hope he doesn't have to hurt like I am hurting.

We will be ok because I know us, as josh and cristy, we are mature enough to be friends. We are close enough to remain friends. I don't know when it will stop being awkward but I have complete faith Everything will be ok.