Kizmit

It's fate. Destiny is a completely different bitch but oh fate how cruel she is, especially to me.
The very moment I even think to myself that I am starting to grow and become even more responsible. BAM! It hits me fate causes me to do something stupid and unpredictable that forces be to apologize and start all over again trying to prove myself, to myself and everyone else who saw me fuck up.
I don't know if this happens to anyone but me. I hope it does or else I am seriously being screwed by some invisible force that controls whatever is out of my hands.
Ok, sure setting my phone ringer from silent to loud is in my hands. What is ironic is it is the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep last night. All I thought was "Ok, now i'm going to turn my phone to loud"...then I passed out before actually doing the action. It was very late and I made a mistake. I didn't come into work. It's extremely irresponsible. But I am not an irresponsible person in fact I have been lifted up by my work environment as being one of the most responsible people there and what do I do to show them they were right about me...I don't wake up for work.
How is this possible. For almost a year I have been on time, an over achiever, very trustworthy. Then what happens? I fuck it up. And this isn't a one time thing It has happened once before the same incident. a couple of months after I started working at the animal hospital I slept in because I had moved all in one day and was exhausted. I didn't mean to and it was right after my 3 month period when I was starting to get praise for my efforts.
It's like every time I know I am on the right track, where I want to be at the top of the totem pole I get kicked right back down by myself or fate.
grrr....maybe i should have learned by now I am not meant to be at the top of the totem pole.
it's just that I always feel soooo guilty when I make a big fuck up like this. I am soo hard on myself that even little things become big things in my head and it screws with me even more.

How do I fix the problem of sucking at life?

Big Boobs, Blonde Hair and Tight abs.

I don't want/need male attention in the normal sense (for hook ups, make outs, etc). Want I do miss is being seen period. Lately, (not sure if its the weight thing or the fact that i love someone and people can sense that) I have had not as much as a look my way by anyone of the opposite sex. The more I go out and physically see how men treat women in club/bar and any other drinking occasions I see that men are looking for the hottest girls and that includes, being blonde, having big boobs, and/or having a tight ass and abs. Since I have none of the above should I be expecting no one to find me even interesting enough to talk to? I know for a fact that I am a generous, loving, interesting person. Obviously a great conversation is not what these guys are looking for, but why not? Aren't my qualities what is actually important in life? I would sooo much rather talk to an interesting fun and sweet guy who is ugly than listen to a hot cocky guy talk about boobs, blonde hair and abs or himself and how many girls he can get.
This is why I am tired of the Gainesville club scene.

The alcoholic's playground

I went to Ginnie Springs today. I have to say it was absolutely amazing. I have never gone on a college spring break trip but if i had this is how i imagined it to be. There were thousands of people everywhere, all in bikinis and bathing suit bottoms. all with drinks/beers in their hands. Everyone was shouting and running around like children, laughing and having a jolly time. The best part was that everyone was friendly, everyone was just relaxing and having a good time and everyone helped each other and had fun together. That made me feel really happy. I don't often witness this kind of thing from groups of people but it really was fantastic.
I went with co-workers, who i love. we had sandwich stuff, drinks, and lots and lots of rum, beer, and wine (for me). I bought a floaty that is shaped like a chair with cup holders and was as happy as ever floating down the river, drink in hand, ass in cold water, and surrounded by laughter and good friends. It's really one of those moments that makes you sure there is a God because there is too much love in your heart to believe this is possible from anything but a higher being.
Aside from all that I already mentioned swimming in a spring is LITERATELY THE MOST RELAXING AND REFRESHING THING TO DO IN THIS WORLD. I am absolutely obsessed with springs. I fell in love the first time i every stepped into a spring, deeply in love.
I would love to get married at a spring, its so beautiful and glorious to be in the presence of something so natural, untouched by humans (for the most part), and full of life.
If anyone wants to go i am sooo down!!!

music

I'm not original at all (not even today) in saying that music touches the soul in a way like nothing else. Songs change my mood. The song 'Stand' by Rascal Flats is what i put on whenever i feel like something is tearing me down or if there is something that is beating me i life. 'Like a Prayer' By Madonna is what I put on when I wanna feel sexy and dance. 'Perfect' is what I put on when I think of me and josh...Its actually a song about how relationships don't have to be perfect to be great, just like me and josh. There is so much I that I learn from songs. I learned from fergie that I can be such a lady and dancin like a hoe. and its ok for grey goose to get ur girl feelin loose.
I learned from Elton John what life and love is like. I learned from garth brooks what loosing a best friend is like, and that god's greatest gift is unanswered prayers.

I am so grateful that I have music to teach me things because all high school taught me was how to work 35 hours a week and go to school at the same time and all college is teaching me is that sometimes life sucks and is amazing all at the same time.

its not going well...

Things are not good right now. I might be going into a dark place and I don't know how to stop it from spiraling out of control. I've done some things that I never thought I would or could do, sure I didn't actually go through with Bulimia but i actually tried to throw up. I couldn't physically do it.
I feel so fat and overweight that I can't even muster the strength and will power to exercise or not go to taco bell.
I find myself obsessing about what I eat, how much I eat. I even have trouble taking showers because i am soo self conscious about seeing myself naked.
Something has to change this but I can't dig myself out of this depression and self loathing. I Keep having thoughts of how I can lose weight.
Should I fast, try a detox diet, no carbs, diet pills?
I feel like if I don't do something right now, and lose a good amount 3-5 pounds in a couple of weeks I won't ever lose the weight.
I don't have time to lose the weight in a healthy manner. I never thought I would feel so low as to contemplate these things.

unfocused on my resolution

At the beginning of this year I made a strong stand to do several things this year. My new years resolution list consisted of the following...
1) first and foremost I want to fit back into my size 3 jeans that I love. At this point I'm borderline size 7/8 which for my height means that I am obese. So, I need to lose 15 to 25 pounds.
2) read 24 books, mostly classics.
3) get an A in a science class

well since that A in a science class didn't happen and won't because I changed my major I really need to accomplish at least one of my many goals.
I am most depressed about the first resolution. I don't know or understand why i feel the need to eat more that i ever want and tend to always feel sick after I eat.

I'm really a very small person and could be more that satisfied with child portions of food but always have huge cravings. When I was younger I would watch my mom diet and wonder why it was so hard for her. Now, even though I realize food is not love it seems to always call to me.
I wish I had more will power. I don't know where my ambition and hard working ethic went.
All I know is that I have got to get motivated because my weight gain is really starting to bother me and I can't keep blaming it on birth control because even though it probably started it I didn't stop it in its tracks.

For shame on me for judging my mom and other overweight people for not being able to control themselves when i find my self with the same problem.

man i wish i hated food and could make myself throw up (j/k ...kind of)