Why I wish I had Tivo

1) The office whenever I wanted without having to spend almost 100 dollars on the seasons.
2) Family Guy because I never seem to be home when its on.
3) Coming home to a list of tv shows I missed just sounds like heaven.
4) Letting a machine decide what programs I would like to watch sounds intriguing.
5) Trying out a bunch of new shows just cause they're there.
6) not missing potential great shows because the office is on...I wouldn't miss the office for the world.

There are many reasons I would want tivo and only one reason I can't have it, Its freaking expensive. I am poor.

pet peeves

the following are a list of my pet peeves...
1) guys who wear their pants down past their butt so you can see their ass crease.
2) pimped out cars that are so low to the ground that all the money they put into making it that low they will have to put into fixing it when they go over a large bump in the road.
3) being allergic to important healing devices such as neosporin, and to think I have never been allergic to anything until last year.
4) fake people.
5) Inconsiderate people
6) broken promises.
7) people at a drive through who ask, "are you still there?". No, we left.
8) Not following through with what I said I would.
9) Being late.
10) Fickleness

** watching a best friend turn from their morals and turn into someone they wouldn't even recognize or respect**

"God's strength is shown in my weakness"

That has never been more true than with my circumstance. Every second of every day I have to fight the urge to fall deeper and deeper into depression. I am fighting my own thoughts, I am fighting the will to give up every second I am awake.
Yet here I stand, victorious over the night.
I woke victorious and refreshed from a night of fighting my demons as they try to wake me numerous times from a deep sleep.
Here. I. Stand.

My revolation

I was with my friend david today for a short bible study while he checked on how I was doing. It was really good. I have been reading a great book called Victory over the darkness, it teaches you how to realize who you are in christ and therefore who you are in life. I have not yet finished it but it is helping a little anyway.
We were reading some scriptures together when I came across something that changed who I was and will become.
Over the past two years college has been slowly breaking down my belief in God, my faith in general and to some degree my morals although they are almost completely in tact.
I realized that I was hiding from the light because I wanted to be in the darkness, I didn't want to live my life according to christ because it was easier not to.
It was easier to go out and get drunk than worry about my problems. It was easier to pretend everything was ok then to actually deal with the hell my life has turned into.
It was easier to say God didn't exist or the bible wasn't really from God because it was written by men than to actually sit down and read it.
The truth is I was lazy, I didn't care and didn't want to start caring.
I needed something to wake me up.
When my life was turned upside down and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die I turned to God because I needed some light. I needed someone to love me and someone I could trust since I could no longer count on Josh to be that person.
I realized the error of my thinking. If there was no God I would be dead by now. I would have committed suicide weeks ago.
God and the hope that peace will find me is the only reason i am alive. God, misty, david, and sadly Josh are the reasons I am alive. Ok, there are many reasons I am alive but in all honesty I might have given up living if not for God.
I still want to sometimes when I am feeling really low, I do sometimes want to give up, throw in the towel and say life is too freaking hard, I don't want to do it anymore.
I don't do that because I know there is some good that will come out of all of this hell and I want to look back and see what it was because right now no good is coming to me.
Josh always told me that in every bad situation something good always comes from it. I always hoped he was right, Now I am praying and believe he has to be right or there is no point.
Josh used to be the strong one in christ, he was the major christian who was diving into the bible and God's word, always hungry for more theology and knowledge about christ. Things have flipped and flopped a bit.
Now I am that person.
I pray that truth wins. I pray that God's will be done in this situation no matter what that will is, I need hope.

my tattoo

the tattoo Ideas I have are the following...
1) the lorax with the words "unless" underneath
2) a spiderman signal in the shape of a heart
3) "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" hebrews 11:1
4) the words, broken by man, healed by god. It has many meanings both biblically and emotionally

That's all I have so far...let me know what you think.
This is for you Josh because I realized that I don't want a tattoo to impress you, I want a tattoo to signify that I know who I am and that won't change.

sacrifice

I am putting it out there that I do not hate Josh. I am extremely hurt beyond anything I could have ever imagined in my lifetime but I do not hate him. I love him in fact. Even after everything he has put me through, I still am in love with him. Granted, after all the hurtful things he has done to me some major act of god or gigantic gesture of love from him would have to happen for me to get back together with him.
I won't lie I sometimes think of going to his house waking him up in the dead of night, if he ever sleeps at his house, and punching him square in the face.
The truth is no matter what he does to me I will always be there to support him. I may not always love him, if he keeps doing the things he is doing the love may eventually burn out or be directed toward someone who actually wants it.
I guess what I want to say is I will never turn my back on you. I may get angry with you but I am more than entitled to feel that way.
We will always find a way to laugh with each other no matter how broken I am.

All the things I hate about you.

I hate that I never knew you were a liar. Your constant lies make me think I don't know you at all.
I hate that you were able to break me down this much but if you wanted you could build me up just as quickly.
I hate that you led me on at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
I hate that you are choosing her over me even though she won't be there for you when you need her but I will be.
I hate that you were capable of sleeping with her so soon.
I hate that when I wanted to sleep with you, you were always too tired but are never too tired to go to her house and sleep with her.
I hate that you are getting away from god when you wanted to get closer to him.
I hate that you may be turning into a bad person now.
I hate that she will be able to change you into someone you don't recognize because you are so easily sculpted by others.
I hate that you can't see what you had.
I hate that you choose someone over me who will only cheat on you as soon as you turn your back, I mean she cheated on her boyfriend with you and you really think she won't do the same to you?
I hate that you would want to sleep with her one last time before you got back together with me but would never cheat on her with me.
I hate that she will drag you down with her, she is a loser with no ambition or goals in life except to get a free ride from her parents.
I hate that you used to deserve me and you don't anymore.
I hate that I would still do anything in the world for you.
I hate that I love you unconditionally but your love is fickle, your love's condition only reaches to the city limit.
I hate that I know no one can love you as purely and as strongly as I do.
I hate that our connection is still so strong that we can laugh even at the worst moments of our lives.
I hate that you made the wrong choice.
I hate that when you realize what you have done it might be too late.
I hate that you still say you love me, how can that be true?
I hate that we may have lost each other forever and you don't care.
I hate that you would rather ignore me and discard me than to deal with me because I am in pain and you don't want to remember or see that it is your fault.
I hate that i ate up every thing you told me about how much you loved me and wanted to be with me, that you were willing to do anything for me to trust you again.
I hate that this pain may never go away.
I hate that I was the best thing to ever happen to you and all you want is the worst thing that could happen to you.
I hate that I miss you when you are not missing me.
I hate that I would rather be hurt than to live without you in my life.
Most importantly, I hate that you one day will regret loosing me when you could have had me.
I pray that she doesn't change you into someone like her. I hope that when the time comes you will have the balls to admit you were wrong. I pray that my heart won't be cold as ice when that day comes.
I pray that days like today will continue, days where I get hit on and get asked out repeatedly.
I hate that today was soo good because it proves I am desired by many even if it isn't you.
I hate that when I go on this date it might crash and burn because you are still in my soul.
I hate that I won't hide my feelings from you like you hide from me.

It's all just words

Everything you read on here is just words. I can not say what i truely feel. I can not grasp what I feel. I can not predict th future. I have lost.

I quit

I give up. I have done everything in my power to show josh how much I love him and have only been rejected time and time again. Led to believe we were going to be together again I had so much hope and happiness on the line. That is all forgotten.
All that is left of me is an empty shell. There is a whole in my heart where Josh used to live.
He just couldn't be honest with himself and therefore could not be honest with me. He will probably start a relationship with zorah and I will be forgotten. It started out that he didn't think we should get together right now, and it quickly (within hours) turned into "I want to give it a shot with zorah" mentality.
Everything changed before my eyes. Every piece of my already broken heart has been severed once more.
I have to quit.
I give up.
It's your turn Josh. If you want you're space. Then ask for it. Don't hide behind protecting me. If you are starting a relationship with her than I deserve to know after all "I am the girl you are in love with"?
If you are still confused and still want to be with me but also want to be with her than i need to know that too.
If you want to still be friends while you date her then give me time, I will come around, after all, I can't ignore you and you can't ignore me, we are too important to each other.
I will not be the one to call you. I will not be the one to seek you out anymore. If you want me, if you want to talk to me or spend time with me....you know where I am, you know my number.
If you are going to date her I will not wait for you any longer. It is your decision. If you have already made it, I deserve to know.
I officially quit you if thats what you want.

exercising the demons

corey gave me so really good advice one day. he said when the day comes that Josh wants you back don't let bitterness and pride stop you from getting what you want. True it wasn't word for word but its the general idea.
I had no idea this advice would come to be needed so soon, alas life is funny that way.
I have not let pride stand in my way of getting back what I have wanted for over a year. That's the good thing. The bad part is that I am still hurt. I have forgiven him, I haven't yet been able to forget what has occured. In essence bitterness has taken over my life.
I think far too much.
I think so much it hurts me, physically. Whenever I think of Josh and Zorah together I want to vomit and I lose my appetite for an entire day. I have lost quite a bit of weight this way.
I know what to do to fix my problem and allow me to get all I want.
What I don't know is how to do it.
I know I have to find a way to block those images of them having sex out of my mind. They are so vivid it makes me sick to my stomach. Because of these vivid images I have been having lately I have been unable to sleep or eat.

The funny thing is i did get what I wanted, he ended things with her completely only leaving their work friendship. he did this with the intention of us getting back together. The problem is I don't know if he still wants to be with her and is giving her up for me or if he wants to be with me so much that no other woman is capable of stealing his attention.
That isn't the only big question here.
My big question is am I still to hurt to get back together with him?
The truth is yes I am still very hurt. But with total honesty I can say that I have forgiven him and I know without a doubt that his love for me is real. It isn't a matter of trust if/when we get back together not for long anyway because I know without a doubt in my mind that he would never cheat on me when we are together.
This is a matter of are we both ready to get back together. I think we are but I think it will be tougher than we expected. No nothing will just go back to where we left it. We have both changed and we changed together for the most part. With the exception of the things that haunt me.
There in lies the problem...I am haunted by my demons.
I have to find a way to 200% ensure myself that this is in the past. That way I can forget it happened.
Forgetting and getting all of these images out of my mind is the only way for us to make it.
Do I want to get back together? With all of my heart, yes.
Am I too hurt to get back together? I don't know. I feel like I was starting to get over it all I was starting to be ok then bam I find out he made out with her on the eve of us getting back together. it brought all the bad thoughts back to the fore front and I was broken again.
I think that was worse than I let on, I think I was more hurt than what can be fixed in a days time.
it was wed morning when I found this out and it is friday night right now. Alot has happened in 2 days. Alot of good but the bad lingers in the back of my mind.

It is killing me to think that half the reason we are not yet back together is because I am still in pain, I am still experiencing some after shock.
I can not be the reason I feel like this.
I can not be the reason I am not happy. If I continue down this path I will turn into corey just as he warned me. Worse than that I will turn into sean, Kristen's crazy ex-boyfriend who couldn't cope with the past.

Time will heal all. I have to look to the future and stop looking to the past. As soon as I think back my demons attack me.

here is the truth.
I need time to be ok.
I do not however want time away from you, after all you are what makes me better. you bring out the good in me.
My verdict stands-I want to be with you. together we will get past this. After all, everything that has gone wrong in both our lives we have tried to fix together. We stand stronger together than either of us do apart. We should keep that in mind from now on. I should also keep in mind that I won. I got you back and have no reason to be jealous like you said. God and you alone are what will get me past this bump in the road.
So though I can not promise I will never get upset again, though I can not promise you I will never cry again, and I can not promise you I am ok right now. I can promise you I will be ok as long as you are there to be my voice of truth and reason.
I can promise you that I will do all that is in my power to make your doubts go away and make my own demons exercised.

what happened to me

what happened to me? Why can't I be ok with this. Why can't I let it all wash over me, turn the other cheek. Forgive and forget.
I am starting to think I like to be hurt. I feel like I thrive off of feeling hurt and unloved. jealousy is becoming my new addiction.
creating situations in my head is my new game.
Every time I start to feel o k I do something or say something that makes me not o k.
Josh tries his best to comfort me and to show me how much he loves me and to spend time with me but all I do is harp on what he has done to hurt me. All I do is dwell on this girl and her presence in his life.
i physically can not help it.
a friend the other day asked me what happened to you?
She said I used to be so strong and independent. I didn't need a guy. I was my own person.
I don't really know what happened to me.
It can't be attractive. Maybe if I turned into a whore and pretended i didn't care things would be different right now.
I miss when I wasn't a bitter person.

logic and rationalization

I like to reason. I feel like reasoning and logic are the only two things i am really good at. Maybe I'm not actually good at them but I feel as if I can reason the hell out of any situation. That is what makes me a great decision maker.
The only area of my life where this logic seems to faulter is my love life, or lack there of.
logically I should not be thinking of Josh at all. I should not trust him, he has given me no solid evidence of his fidelity toward me in the future.
I have absolutely no reason to believe that when I return to Gainesville that he will not pick up where he left off with zorah and I have been given no evidence that she is not continuously trying to get back into his pants. On the contrary.
I know for a fact that they will continue to hang out. I know there will be nothing to stop him from going to her house when he gets bored or lonely.
I'm not saying that he wants to be in a relationship with her, god knows he has drilled that into me. What I am saying is that I have no reason to trust that he will not be easily seduced again. I have no empirical evidence that history will not repeat itself.
I feel as if i have made it too easy for him.
Logically when something like this happens the person who is hurt does not do all the appologizing and does not continuously put themselves out there to be hurt yet again.
Again, not so much with the logic and rationality when it comes to matters of Josh. I just always thought our situation was above reasoning and logic and was only fit for matters of the heart.

August is starting to scare me.
I am starting to worry that my heart is going to lose this battle and my head will win.
logically I have no reason to trust him. My heart tells me he would never cheat on me. That if we got back together he would be 100% mine and no one else's. My head tells me that even if we got back together with me being "out of sight and out of mind" all is fair in love and war.
We can both agree that he is not ready to get back together with me. But why am I so quick to say I would take him back?
Isn't this whole situation illogical?
I went from being completely distraught and slightly suicicdal to happy?
Does any of this even make sense?
I am so confused...
I just want this summer to go on forever. I am finally happy again and all I can do is wonder.?.?

What will happen when I go back to gainesville. Will he realize that even though I am away I am worth holding out for?
or...
Will the next best easy thing steal his attention while I am "out of sight, out of mind"?

doubt

I have my doubts. I am sure everyone does. Mine take me a little too far. I have been able to control myself 85% of the time. (That is a rough estimate.) I have heard the truth but I can't believe it will come to pass. I have doubts. I am lacking faith. I am lacking independence and self control.
...more to come on my inadequacies

everyone's favorite place to eat....apparently

I obviously work at the best fast food restaurant and everyone's favorite place.
In the past three days my ghost has been through the drive through that I stand at every single night. It's so odd because I know she knows nothing about me. I know she has no clue what is going on. Now everyone I work with recognizes her and tells me when she comes in. Apparently she eats no where else.
I actually talked to her today. I said "hey, you're zorah! do you know who I am? " Of course she replies no she does not know who I am . I simply say, oh well we both know josh bird I am his friend.
that is all I said. That is all i wanted to say. I just wanted her to know that everytime she comes here and i stare at her it isn't because I'm a lesbo its because I know who she is.
It made me feel better. I am glad I said it, I am sorry it pissed Josh off but it was innocent. He should be happy that is all I said and all I will say. I would never want to hurt him or cause him trouble. In all fairness every time I see her, which is alot lately I lose my appetite and want to vomit.
But I would never tell her what I truly want to tell her...you can rest easy Josh Bird. I would never do that to you.

I saw a ghost today

Twice actually.
I went to Ruby Tuesdays with my sister for her lunch break. I really wanted a carolina chicken salad and I wanted to see Josh But I also kind of wanted to see what the other girl looked like. I didn't really but the curious part of me did.
So we went up there and sure enough she was there waiting tables. She was wearing classes and her hair in a half bun. she knew nothing. She had no clue that I not only knew who she was but Hated her just for what she thinks is normal, seeing some guy at work and sleeping with him right after she met him.
I hated her but I still was so curious about who she was. I stared at her while I was going into the bathroom, This was the girl who has made me cry for the last 3 weeks. this is the girl who destroyed my world as I knew it.
I tuned into my manly side and rejected my feelings putting them off because I know I am still more important to Josh than she is. I was ok.
Later,
I had to work from 6pm to 4 am .
My night was going alright. It was slow so I was just surfing the net and talking to people. I was having a good time at work.
We start to get a few cars and all of a sudden I look up. It is a girl with alot of makeup in a red cavalier. She was wearing a green shirt and a sweater. she had her hair down and had her glasses still on. it was about 1am. I wasn't one hundred percent sure it was her. I missed my chance because I didn't have the balls to ask her what I was about to ask her.
I wanted to ask her "is your name Zorah?"
I didn't do it. I didn't want to hurt the time. I am kicking myself in the ass for not saying anything.
My first thought is I wonder if Josh invited her over to his house for a change. I didn't know she lived around here.
I called him, woke him up to confirm that who I saw was actually who I saw.
It was.
It was her. It was like seeing a ghost.
I came to her job and now she was at mine.
As soon as she left I died a little because I actually talked to her. I took her money, and handed out her food. She asked for a drink that she didn't order origionally and I said...oh we don't have that for you, but here you go. Don't worry about the cost.
I was actually nice to the one person I hate right now.
The only thing I can think now is that I am dying inside because of what I just experienced but she has no idea who she just met she has no idea that the girl at the taco bell drive through died a little because she had sex no more than a week ago with some guy.
She will never know what she has done.
She will never know who I am or how hurt I am.
She will never knew that I knew who she was because I didn't have the balls to ask, "are you Zorah?"


I will always know.

i want out

I want out of here. I know its a holiday but today at work the only thing that i could hold onto to get me through this was that sunday I would be off and going to church.
I am excited about church. I want to get back to my faith. I want to stop being lazy and stop coming up with excuses why I can't believe in god or jesus.
It's so much easier to live the wrong way than it is the right.
Now I am not saying that everything will change at once, I am merely saying that i want to at least try to believe again. I have faith in something. I feel hope and to feel safe.
I don't know what will happen when I get back to gainesville because of a little thing called peer pressure.
I hope that I can continue to go to church there too but staying up till 4 am and getting up at 9am is not my cup of tea no matter what the occasion.
we'll see.
I guess I just want to put out there into the universe that I want out of here. Metaphorically, physically and every other kind of way.


Good news- i got my appetite back. It wasn't good for my health but I was losing quite a bit of weight on the depression/ loss diet.
I lost over 7 pounds in less than 5 days. I consumed no more than 2500 calories in a week.
that is not good.

The Good news is I am much better now and all it took was Josh. Turns out I needed the antidote much more than avoiding the poison.

going out

I'm going out tonight. I hope alot of drinking helps me to get my mind off some stuff. I wish I could say what I really want to say. For the first time on this blog I am going to hold back. I won't share my feelings. Maybe I can bottle up my emotions. we shall see once i am drunk...maybe i'll write to you later, maybe I won't