My revolation

I was with my friend david today for a short bible study while he checked on how I was doing. It was really good. I have been reading a great book called Victory over the darkness, it teaches you how to realize who you are in christ and therefore who you are in life. I have not yet finished it but it is helping a little anyway.
We were reading some scriptures together when I came across something that changed who I was and will become.
Over the past two years college has been slowly breaking down my belief in God, my faith in general and to some degree my morals although they are almost completely in tact.
I realized that I was hiding from the light because I wanted to be in the darkness, I didn't want to live my life according to christ because it was easier not to.
It was easier to go out and get drunk than worry about my problems. It was easier to pretend everything was ok then to actually deal with the hell my life has turned into.
It was easier to say God didn't exist or the bible wasn't really from God because it was written by men than to actually sit down and read it.
The truth is I was lazy, I didn't care and didn't want to start caring.
I needed something to wake me up.
When my life was turned upside down and I wanted to crawl under a rock and die I turned to God because I needed some light. I needed someone to love me and someone I could trust since I could no longer count on Josh to be that person.
I realized the error of my thinking. If there was no God I would be dead by now. I would have committed suicide weeks ago.
God and the hope that peace will find me is the only reason i am alive. God, misty, david, and sadly Josh are the reasons I am alive. Ok, there are many reasons I am alive but in all honesty I might have given up living if not for God.
I still want to sometimes when I am feeling really low, I do sometimes want to give up, throw in the towel and say life is too freaking hard, I don't want to do it anymore.
I don't do that because I know there is some good that will come out of all of this hell and I want to look back and see what it was because right now no good is coming to me.
Josh always told me that in every bad situation something good always comes from it. I always hoped he was right, Now I am praying and believe he has to be right or there is no point.
Josh used to be the strong one in christ, he was the major christian who was diving into the bible and God's word, always hungry for more theology and knowledge about christ. Things have flipped and flopped a bit.
Now I am that person.
I pray that truth wins. I pray that God's will be done in this situation no matter what that will is, I need hope.