exercising the demons

corey gave me so really good advice one day. he said when the day comes that Josh wants you back don't let bitterness and pride stop you from getting what you want. True it wasn't word for word but its the general idea.
I had no idea this advice would come to be needed so soon, alas life is funny that way.
I have not let pride stand in my way of getting back what I have wanted for over a year. That's the good thing. The bad part is that I am still hurt. I have forgiven him, I haven't yet been able to forget what has occured. In essence bitterness has taken over my life.
I think far too much.
I think so much it hurts me, physically. Whenever I think of Josh and Zorah together I want to vomit and I lose my appetite for an entire day. I have lost quite a bit of weight this way.
I know what to do to fix my problem and allow me to get all I want.
What I don't know is how to do it.
I know I have to find a way to block those images of them having sex out of my mind. They are so vivid it makes me sick to my stomach. Because of these vivid images I have been having lately I have been unable to sleep or eat.

The funny thing is i did get what I wanted, he ended things with her completely only leaving their work friendship. he did this with the intention of us getting back together. The problem is I don't know if he still wants to be with her and is giving her up for me or if he wants to be with me so much that no other woman is capable of stealing his attention.
That isn't the only big question here.
My big question is am I still to hurt to get back together with him?
The truth is yes I am still very hurt. But with total honesty I can say that I have forgiven him and I know without a doubt that his love for me is real. It isn't a matter of trust if/when we get back together not for long anyway because I know without a doubt in my mind that he would never cheat on me when we are together.
This is a matter of are we both ready to get back together. I think we are but I think it will be tougher than we expected. No nothing will just go back to where we left it. We have both changed and we changed together for the most part. With the exception of the things that haunt me.
There in lies the problem...I am haunted by my demons.
I have to find a way to 200% ensure myself that this is in the past. That way I can forget it happened.
Forgetting and getting all of these images out of my mind is the only way for us to make it.
Do I want to get back together? With all of my heart, yes.
Am I too hurt to get back together? I don't know. I feel like I was starting to get over it all I was starting to be ok then bam I find out he made out with her on the eve of us getting back together. it brought all the bad thoughts back to the fore front and I was broken again.
I think that was worse than I let on, I think I was more hurt than what can be fixed in a days time.
it was wed morning when I found this out and it is friday night right now. Alot has happened in 2 days. Alot of good but the bad lingers in the back of my mind.

It is killing me to think that half the reason we are not yet back together is because I am still in pain, I am still experiencing some after shock.
I can not be the reason I feel like this.
I can not be the reason I am not happy. If I continue down this path I will turn into corey just as he warned me. Worse than that I will turn into sean, Kristen's crazy ex-boyfriend who couldn't cope with the past.

Time will heal all. I have to look to the future and stop looking to the past. As soon as I think back my demons attack me.

here is the truth.
I need time to be ok.
I do not however want time away from you, after all you are what makes me better. you bring out the good in me.
My verdict stands-I want to be with you. together we will get past this. After all, everything that has gone wrong in both our lives we have tried to fix together. We stand stronger together than either of us do apart. We should keep that in mind from now on. I should also keep in mind that I won. I got you back and have no reason to be jealous like you said. God and you alone are what will get me past this bump in the road.
So though I can not promise I will never get upset again, though I can not promise you I will never cry again, and I can not promise you I am ok right now. I can promise you I will be ok as long as you are there to be my voice of truth and reason.
I can promise you that I will do all that is in my power to make your doubts go away and make my own demons exercised.