for you my friend

You know who you are this is for you. I already started the list awhile ago, I kind of had to for survival.
1) finding someone who is more emotionally available and willing to talk instead of just laugh things off.
2) needing someone who will push me when i am lazy instead of always having to push them.
3) Being able to have cats, he was allergic when too many were around. although I do not want to become THE CAT LADY.
4) being able to form a closer relationship with god, not that he ever stopped me, on the contrary but this experience has sort of forced me to look to someone when I couldn't look to him.
5) forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone, with him I was always so happy just being myself. Now I have to force myself to be more open, and more extroverted or I'll end up alone.

This list may not have been what you were looking for but it's all I got so far, this is a lot harder than I thought. It's hard to think of reasons I am better off without him when deep down I know I'm not.

low

I'm just having a rough day, maybe I am about to start my period or maybe my dreams are starting to affect my awake time.
I just sat in my car and balled for the first time in weeks. I was doing well. I was feeling better, out of nowhere in church I started crying and as soon as I got to my car I let it all go. I sobbed harder than I have in a long time. I don't even know why. I mean I know why but I don't know why specifically at church and today. I guess its that I can't take her writing on his wall and being all happy with him. I can't take him being happy with someone else while I am so miserable. It's just so unfair that I have to go through this and he will never have to go through it.

my new blog

I love my new major. For my class aee4031 I had to create a blogspot account to write my opinions about things I read in the USA Today. HELLO!!! I do that already! I love it. I'm going to get to do for a class what I already like to do.
I love to give my opinions as everyone who knows me can testify. I have really enjoyed reading the newspaper everyday and keeping up with the world, more importantly America because we are the only country that matters. Duh!
This blog therefore is going to turn into a blog just about my feelings, emotions, my day to day life. The other blog will be where you can find my opinions on important news worthy events.
there is a great article in the usa today about how men are giving women the pants to wear in the household! I love it!
I'm not a feminist but I love to learn about the dynamics of men and women and how they shift over time. This is a new ear fellows...We're in control now and Palin is about to prove it!

Openness

People have the hardest time being open. I don't get it. I wish everyone were as open as me or I wish I could get more people to open up. Maybe I do sometimes and I just don't realize it was me who opened them up.

I love being open for the most part. I will not lie to you. ask me a question and you will get the answer no matter what the question.
I really like being like this. sometimes it puts people off and sometimes I get frustrated cause I am alone in being open. It is so worth it though to not have anything bottled up, to always let myself out. The hardest thing in the world to me is to lie when someone asks me how I am doing. If someone asks...I tell. If someone wants to know what i did with my day, I tell them. I don't just say, I went to school or work. I start from the beginning and work my way down.

Being open is so liberating. I know I have nothing to hide. I know that if someone doesn't like something about me, that's ok because there are things I don't like about myself.
The only thing I am not willing to shout from the rooftop in my life right now is that i am in a Christian sorority. I am working on that, but honestly I judge myself a little for being in it because it still just isn't me. I am trying to enjoy regardless.


Everyone should try being open and honest on the most real level possible because trust me it helps me sleep at night.

Bad decisions

On friday night I made a few.
I wanted to do something involving a small amount of beer, wine or liquor.
I found Bear, Wade and Allen.

We went to XS a club that I kind of like but only for 80's night so I was actually kind of happy.
I ended up drinking 2 shots of bacardi and a beer or so. Not in that order.
I was happily anticipating just chatting it up with the guys, dancing, and going home. That did not happen.
When we got to the club I decided to have another drink, bad decision #1.
I love 80's music and was pulled up onto the stage by a guy I think is gay but also has a girlfriend. We had a great time, dancing and knowing all the words to every song that was played.
Wade made his way up to the stage and I started dancing with him, bad decision #2. Wade is a very attractive male but is kind of a douche bag. He just is angry and cynical. Well he was pretty enthusiastic about dancing closely with me even though none of the songs were slow songs.
After the club we made it back to bear and wade's place where I was hoping we would pick up where we left off on the dance floor but as soon as we got back douche bag wade reared his ugly head again and the moment was gone.
I made a fool of myself and that was bad decision #3.
There was a guy with us all who I never liked, hated in fact. He had pissed me off like 9 months ago and i hated everytime I saw him. the last couple of times he has appologized to me and we sort of made up but i still didn't like him that much.
we ended up together on the couch and I fell asleep/passed out on his chest. he randomly started rubbing my back, things happen when loneliness and liquor mix. bad decision #4.

I won't go into bad decision #5 or 6 from the rest of the weekend, you're just not ready for that yet.
I hate that i was capable of these things but it helped my confidence a lot, and allowed me to get over a lot of anger and depression. It also helped me answer some questions about how someone who loves a person can do things that do not prove that love. I still am in love with josh but was able to do things that seem as if I am not. That was a huge thing through all of this. I at least can understand how he was capable of these things. Sometimes shit just does happen, sometimes you kind of want shit to happen. Josh wanted these things to happen that he said "just happened". I let some things happen that..."just happened". I can blame alcohol all day but In the back of my mind it was kind of my intention.


This will have to count as my rebound.

Pop Culture: The future

The future is always tomorrow, but today is yesterday's future.
It's weird to think about but true.
A small instance on a college campus 6-9 months ago (I can't remember the month it occurred in) is going to be written down into our popular culture for everyone to see and remember forever. Sure eventually people will forget, but than as soon as someone says those four little words it will come popping up again.
I wonder if "Don't taze me bro" will be made fun of, at the shame of U.F., for decades to come. Maybe it will be in Trivial Pursuit, doubtful but you never know.
I bring this all up because many months after the event of a young man tazered by The U.F. police, which are basically security guards with huge egos, My USA Today crossword puzzle had a clue that read, "don't taze me___!" it was 3 down and had three letters. It was amazing. I even heard it on jeopardy last month. I can't believe that instance is not only national news worthy but also culturally funny enough to be made fun of by all facets of news and media. I want someone things else funny to happen on campus and let the whole world know about it so U.F. can be not only the number 1 party school but also number one retard school of florida. Thanks to U.F.P.D. we might just get there.

life

Life goes on no matter what happens. It does, it sucks but it does. I have to wake up everyday and live with mountain sized weight on my heart. (alright, i dont know how heavy a mountain would be but i enjoy exaggerating so keep up)
I didn't die. I did't shrivel up without josh. Well, not permanently anyway. It turns out I can live without him, but not because I want to because he wants to.
I thought for the first month, that's how long it has been since that fateful night where everything nearly killed me or allowed me to kill myself, that I couldn't live without him. I was reminded of the rent song "without you". " the world turns, but I die without you" its overly emotional and depressing but it's how I felt.
A month later I realized I can live without him. I can eventually be happy without him. I realized that no one's absence in my life will kill me not even his, which is surprising given how i already planned our future in my heart.
The thing that remains constant is that even though I can live without him, I STILL, after everything that has happened, don't want to...

my confidence exercise.

I am supposed to take the thoughts I have that hurt me and change them into something good, homework from my counselor.

Here is what I have so far.
I am sexy
I have a hot body
I have beautiful eyes
I have a great sense of humor
I am passionate
I am the most honest person anyone will ever meet
I am sincere
I love unconditionally
I am a hard worker
I will succeed at what I want to do
I am intelligent
I am strong willed
I am more giving than receiving
At some point I will love again

Gabby: Blue Healer

Gabby is a Blue Healer who I met at Pet smart here in Gainesville. She is ridiculously sweet and needs a good home who will love her. She only weighs 20 lbs but is supposed to weigh up to 35-40. She was heart worm positive when brought back to Helping Hands animal shelter. They rehabilitated her after her over 500$ treatment.
She has only a few draw backs, she seems skiddish and likes to jump up a lot.
After being in a cage for a few months I will probably have to rehabilitate her. She needs so much love. It's soo sad to see such a loving and sweet animal thrown out and without a home. I am seriously considering adopting her. She would be a perfect companion for me. She isn't too big for the apartment and isn't an annoying small ankle biter. She is loving and likes to play, she is two years old so she will be potty trained. She is leash trained because people walk her on a leash every day. She is crate trained because she is put into a crate twice a week. She is also the most expensive dog they have because she was treated for heart worms, which for those who don't know is one of the most expensive treatments there is.
I just have to make sure I haven't taken on too much with school and extracurricular activities.
I don't want to get her and then not have time to give her the love she needs. I will be thinking seriously about it and if she is still there when i decide, well, I will have a new addition to the family.
Let me know what you think I should do...

9/11 graphic novel

My new favorite thing to do is to grab the USA Today and read as much of it as I can before I get home from my day, its a mini challenge everyday. Thanks to him I am ever curious about what goes on in the world. Ever curious about politics and polices, etc. I just like to know things, that is truly thanks to him.

Today there was a sad and interesting story in the USA today. The story was about a woman who was 8 months pregnant when her husband died in one of the trade towers. It broke my heart. Well, actually it healed my heart ever so slightly. (He always grounded me to help me see things aren't as bad as I am making them, he would be wrong in this case, but they still aren't as bad as someone who is left alone in the world with a new born baby)

7 years later, she decided to write a comic book memoir. She is so strong to me. I am sure she wasn't a month after she lost her husband or even 6 months after. Losing someone you love that much is the hardest thing, in my opinion, to live through in this world. Anything is possible when you have someone you love more than anything at your side. I can imagine what she went through because I am getting a huge spoon full of that and it is hell-o-bitter.

In any case, she chose to take something painful in her life and turn her harsh emotions and feeling into a comic book/graphic novel. This is completely cool. She found someone to do her art work for her and she wrote the story just by taking things she wrote down when she was going through her first year without him.

maybe it isn't that great to most, to me it is amazing.

Sarah Palin

I watched Sarah Palin last night. Several things came to mind when watching her speech.
1) I believe she is balancing out the "lack of experience " argument many have had for the democrat's ticket. It is true, Obama is less qualified, in my opinion, to be President. Now, McCain has gone and picked someone who is possibly even less qualified. I think this sort of takes away alot of his argument on qualifications and years in the biz. Palin has only been gov. for 2 years. She in that time has done A LOT for alaska and her people love her and she is great, she "fights for them". But does she really have the experience with pressure and with larger scale government policy to do the job. I don't know. I am not convinced she is ready yet, although I think she is an awesome person.

2)She bashed Obama's experience as a "community organizer", at least he became a senator...come on. kind of a cheap and stupid shot.

3) She doesn't believe global warming is caused by man. I have to stop right there actually. There is scientific evidence that at the very least out emissions are higher than any other country besides china, and that that effects our ozone which effects the increased UV rays, which increased the temp levels of the world by more than 1 degree and is causing polar ice caps to melt at a quicker pace than other global temp. increases in the earth's history. I think the evidence that exists today should at least be recognized.

3)She is probably the most anti-environment candidate I have ever read about. Which in all fairness I have only in the last couple of years started to even read up about them at all. With that said, she does have some pretty terrible things to say about the polar bears...I guess she hasn't seen the commercial where one of them almost drowns in front of the camera. I guess they don't get cable way up there.

4) her cheap shots at Obama in the end made me laugh but were also that...cheap. That's politics.

I liked Palin a lot at first. I liked her enthusiasm, her family values, her integrity. The only thing I seem to not like about her is her policies. She is anti-environment, she is anti-sex education, sort of pro-marijuana, her husband even worked for an oil company...yeah that's great. She tells America she is fighting the oil companies in alaska yet her husband worked for them.And she does not want equal rights for homosexuals. I can't go along with that because my brother is gay. He would probably kill me if he knew I was thinking of voting for McCain and Palin.

Other than that she is good people.

Decisions, Decisions

Recently my idea of restarting my life means getting involved, trying new things, and above all doing things the right way this time.
I have many choices to make to ensure all of these ideas become realities.
1) I am going to have something planned to do at least 4 out of 5 week nights.
2) I am going to a church every sunday and church every Wednesday , which leaks into goal 1.
3) I am going to hang out with friends on campus, make sure I have a lunch date at least 4 out of 5 school days. Noonday with one of my organiztions will ensure that, it is a $3 all you can eat buffet at the BCM building every thursday.

The choices I have to make are...
Tonight I can workout, go to a bible study with BCM, go to a Rush event for a fraternity, or stay in an do homework.
I definitely have to be back by 9 for The Office, sooo excited!

I have other choices to make. There are right now 2 guys who want to "hang out" with me. Neither of them are my fav people in the world but they are both nice enough thus far.
I could go out with one of them or do one of the things already listed. I would however have to choose which one.

I like that my life has opened so many doors when one big one slammed shut in my face. I like that I get to choose now what to do instead of someone choosing what my fate will be.
The masses is right, when one door closes another opens...I just had no idea I would get so many doors opening at once.

Yay, I love making decisions.

Everyone Falls

Paul wrote to Timothy that he should guard what God has given him. Avoid godless, foolishness from those who oppose you. Paul talked about how men fail, all fall short of the glory of god. He made it very clear in his instructions what we must do to avoid being greedy and avoid moral failures.
Paul pleaded with Tim to not be like the others. To guard his love for god and his teachings.

Even the most moral of men fail. Not one of us can be perfect.
A pastor's son, Micheal Guglielmucci, Claimed to have cancer a while back. He shared his testimony of God's healing in his life and even wrote an extremely popular song "the healer" which quickly became a fan favorite all over the world. He touched many people with his testimony and he claimed that God's power Lead him to teach others and write songs about his healing.
Turns out he never had cancer, he lied about the whole thing. His father now reports that he
Did these things out of a mental illness and his sex obsession, and the guilt he felt from his fall from grace.

If a Christian man can fall that far, what does that say about the rest of the men in this world. It turns out that we all fall victim to sin... The difference is a good man picks himself up and dusts away the dirt, repents and moves on. But how do we forgive that man. How do we deal with deception, after all deception isn't deception if it doesn't deceive you. No one starts out wanting to sin, well almost no one. We fall because we don't grow in christ and than we just fizzle into the depths of sin.
Paul pleads with tim and the rest of us to hold onto what love and purity god has given us.
Paul pleads with us to not turn into the other hypocrites...are you up to the challenge? I have seen many, including myself fall from God, at what point do we forgive?