what happened to me

what happened to me? Why can't I be ok with this. Why can't I let it all wash over me, turn the other cheek. Forgive and forget.
I am starting to think I like to be hurt. I feel like I thrive off of feeling hurt and unloved. jealousy is becoming my new addiction.
creating situations in my head is my new game.
Every time I start to feel o k I do something or say something that makes me not o k.
Josh tries his best to comfort me and to show me how much he loves me and to spend time with me but all I do is harp on what he has done to hurt me. All I do is dwell on this girl and her presence in his life.
i physically can not help it.
a friend the other day asked me what happened to you?
She said I used to be so strong and independent. I didn't need a guy. I was my own person.
I don't really know what happened to me.
It can't be attractive. Maybe if I turned into a whore and pretended i didn't care things would be different right now.
I miss when I wasn't a bitter person.