life

Life goes on no matter what happens. It does, it sucks but it does. I have to wake up everyday and live with mountain sized weight on my heart. (alright, i dont know how heavy a mountain would be but i enjoy exaggerating so keep up)
I didn't die. I did't shrivel up without josh. Well, not permanently anyway. It turns out I can live without him, but not because I want to because he wants to.
I thought for the first month, that's how long it has been since that fateful night where everything nearly killed me or allowed me to kill myself, that I couldn't live without him. I was reminded of the rent song "without you". " the world turns, but I die without you" its overly emotional and depressing but it's how I felt.
A month later I realized I can live without him. I can eventually be happy without him. I realized that no one's absence in my life will kill me not even his, which is surprising given how i already planned our future in my heart.
The thing that remains constant is that even though I can live without him, I STILL, after everything that has happened, don't want to...