Joining a chrisitan sorority

I make lists, its what I do. In order to make any major decision in my life I have always found it useful to make a Pros and Cons list. So here goes...

Pros for joining the sorority
1. Involvement
2. creating new friendships
3. Fellowship (which is a christian word according to daniel downard) with people who will encourage me positively
4. Being forced by the laws of the sorority to do the things I came to Gainesville wanting to do and things I need to do, i.e. Going to church regularly and Joining a bible study.
5. Meeting Christian guys who hopefully won't end up being complete assholes.
6. Getting to do more things, formals, parties, events, etc.


Cons for joining the sorority
1. money, it is $160 a semester.
2. I am not the 'sorority' kind of girl, am I turning my back on who I really am?
3. I never want to be an uptight, crazy christian. which I am concerned some of the girls are and may influence me to be the same.
4. I am against buying your friends, is that what I would be doing?
5. Taking time away from the friends I already have who love me and I will be pushing aside.
6. Am I a strong enough christian to fellowship with these people?

It seems the part I am most concerned with is changing into someone else, which I will probably do with time anyway. I do hold my values and ideals pretty highly. The whole being a "sorority girl" thing bothers me alot. I guess it will have to be my duty to be who I am and not let something stupid like stereotypes and generalizations change what could be something good for me.
The pros and cons will waver in me until the time comes for me to be a pledge. I hope that I am being true to myself...I don't wanna be a sorority girl, why can't it just be a club?

The last one

I am deleting Josh from my life. I can not do this anymore. I can not try to be friends with him, as much as I want him to be in my life, right now it only hurts me and unlike him I can't push my pain away all the time.
No one knows how much this all has hurt me, everyone just looks at me and expects me to be ok and put a smile on for them so I don't make them feel awkward. I can not pretend I am ok all the time. I might be able to do it every now and then but it wears thin on my spirit to constantly hide how I am feeling. I get irritable when I hide who I am, what I want to say and how I feel.
I tried to sacrifice my feelings, my pain, and my thoughts for the good of us, our friendship and the good of our mutual friends.
It sucks that I blame myself for not being able to be friends with him when i should blame him for hurting me so bad that I can't even breathe sometimes.
I can't help but think that If I were more like him, able to hide my emotions and make jokes instead of deal with things, that I wouldn't even be in this pain right now. I would be able to laugh what he did off and deal with it that way instead of being too hurt to talk to him.

maybe counseling will help me, I hope it does.
I am going to try really hard not to blog anymore, specifically about any of this but really in general because all of it is just to keep my mind busy and to avoid what I am going through when that clearly is not how i handle things.

As much as I want to know what is going on with him, I don't want anyone to bring him up, to even talk about hanging out with him. I can't handle thinking of all my friends, our friends, meeting his new girlfriend and i certainly can't handle any of you liking her or enjoying her company.

This is my stance. If you are my friend you will know how much better than her I am, not just for Josh but also in general.

It sucks that it had to be like this but after everything that he did to hurt me, some purposefully, some not, it was stupid to even try right now. If ever.
Like my counselor said, I have to make my heart believe what my head already does. I am too good for all of this, I was too good to josh to deserve this happening. I deserve better. This will all pass and I will be happy again.

See my head has it down, that just hasn't stopped my heart from feeling the pain.

VIP treatment

Waking up at 6am is never fun no matter the circumstance. I knew today had to be great when I woke up because i was passed due for a great day.
I had to be to work by 7, which sucked. traffic occured, shit happens.
Work was boring, everyone wanted to know how the summer was...i said i am pretending this summer never happened. they all seemed curious, I ignored them.
I was only there for 3 hours so time went by quickly.
I was freaking out because i left work at 10 and have to be in class by 10:40. With driving and catching a bus, i was worried I would be late.
God smiled upon me...He sent me a limo!!!
He said to the guys at 105.3 radio station in gainesville, "Cristy had a bad summer, lets start the year off right and make her day great"
"yes God." they replied.
They sent a limo to pick me up and take me to school on time. I felt special.

Actually they do it every year and picked up other people too but I was the first person to look at the limo and say heck yes, no one else at the bus stop would be the first to get in.

My first class was fun, the teacher is supposedly gay but I can't tell. The class seems like it will be interesting and I am eager to get an A.
I had break so tried out tijuana flatts for the first time ever with a friend and one of his friends. it was tasty.

I enrolled myself into the counseling program at UF. I now have an appointment with a counselor every wed at 1pm. I am actually terrified. I think I am getting better and I am worried that telling a new person about my depression will only make me suffer more. I am leaving it in god's hands.

My second class was awesome, professor is fun, seems lax, fun topic. I get to produce and write movies, and edit them and learn to do all kinds of cool media stuff. It seems like it will be alot of fun. Also most classes with only 20 people are fun.

All in all I had some low points but I had a kickass first day, now I am going to do some decorating and read. I am glad I am back in gainesville, I missed my drunken friends.

my schedule

I am excited about my new major and classes. I have a full load. 15 credits, I am happy to be getting back to school. I am happy to have a full day ahead of me everyday.

I am taking digital media production, agribusiness management, leadership development, communication process, resource ethics. I am most excited about resource ethics and leadership development.
I will be on campus monday 10:40 to 2:45pm with a 2 hour break from 11:30am 1:55pm
Tuesday -9:35 till 4:55pm with 2 breaks, one at 10:25 till 12:50, and the second at 1:40 till 3pm.
wed- is the same as monday except I have more classes after my 1:55 class so I won't be done till 4:55pm.
Thur- is the same as tuesday,
Friday I have only one class but work the rest of the day.
Saturday I will most likely work every sat but I get off at 11:30-12 so I will always be able to go to games but I will be late to all the noon games.

This was mostly for corey so we can hang out on campus in our times off but also for david and who ever else reads this so you will know when I am available to talk on the telly.

I am excited about this up coming school year and I hope you are too!!! we're almost done, well I have more time than the rest of you but still the sweet taste of victory is coming upon me.

I will be posting to let you know how my classes go...can't wait!!!!

not so sober blog

Alright, I admit it I drank tonight. Did I drink more than I should have, probably. I haven't had alot to drink in a while its been about 4 months since I knew my limit.
I got into a fight with carmen who judged me for talking to mike under the covers of a bed while poonam was in the next room. Never mind the fact that we were just talking...

I got annoyed and talked to casey and mike about my troubles of never meeting a guy who will be as good as I thought Josh was and all of a sudden I am pegged as a whore who has betrayed my best friend and roommate.


So now I am in trouble for things I didn't even do. I hate my life because when I am sober I hide my feelings from the world and try to hide my pain from him and our friends. The truth is I am too drunk to be talking at all but she made her facebook profile public so I saw it and Now I have to realize that I am better than her. I am prettier than her, skinnier than most of her pictures thanks to my depression. Thank you to Josh, I am 20 lbs skinnier. I have much bigger breasts. I am alot classier than her, besides this blog. I have much more to offer any man than she does. sex is not included because there is more to life than fucking someone so often and without care that they turn their back on what really matters and who really cares about them.
Fuck it all.

Oprah's Transexual show

I watched Oprah today, it was an enriching experience. The show was about men who decided they could no longer live their lives as men but wanted to be women. "They were born in the wrong body", said Oprah.
I don't agree with this. I can't believe that God or nature, for the sake of the argument, would allow a person to be put into the wrong body. To be born the wrong gender? Yeah right.
I digress...
The first family shocked the hell out of me.
The mad Don, now a woman named denise was married for many years before he told his wife and 3 kids that he wanted to be a woman and has been contemplating suicide because of having to be a man.
The wife does not kill him or hate him, or even leave him. She supports him/her.
This wife who has a vagina, has a husband who has a penis. They are married and they have sex, i would assume. At what point do you tell your husband that it is perfectly fine that they turn their penis into a vagina and get boobs attached to their body and their marriage will be fine?
To me this would mean that the husband is forcing his wife to become a lesbian.

I started to imagine what i would do If my husband approached me with this situation. I would feel betrayed and divorce him. God says that i would be committing adultery if I married another man but I am pretty sure if they change sex, God will let that one slide.

It was a weird show and I think that Oprah should screen her stories cause...awkward turkey galore on this one.

Peer pong

I played beer pong tonight, not with beer but with mike's hard lemonade. It was awesome, not to drink but to go out. Not being at home watching tv, putting myself out there as a single person and just joking around with people I don't really know. It was alot of fun. I hope to meet alot of new people this year. I think I have grown alot and been able to come out of my shell more, although I have never had that hard of a shell.
Beer pong actually sucked, misty and I only played once. we played against Steve and sean. It was difficult, they are good and we are not. We lasted like 2 seconds and I drank all of out cups and none of theirs because they showed mercy on us.
I got a little buzzed and misty drove us, she had to make me leave because I was really getting into everything, talking to everyone and joking around. I am glad I drank tonight because I know I will sleep well tonight.

Thanks steve for inviting me. I had a good time.

Fullfilling a promise

When I started back at taco bell this summer I hated myself for going back, almost immediately. I began to need things to occupy my mind. I started to keep track via paper, pen, and tic marks what kind of customers came through and the qualities that stood out the most.
Here are the Characteristics...

Asshole-47
retarded/annoying- 75
drunk- 53
Dog in the car-31
Fun/entertaining- 9
Crackhead/white trash- 40
Driving off rudley- 24

Minor characteristics that were observed only a few times-
High- 9
Cute guys- 6
cute girls- 5
smells good- 2
smells bad- 1

It seems as if the retards and annoying customers won the game. The Drunks were in second place by being most previlant and of course the assholes were the next most noticed characterisitc from a taco bell customer.
I am happy to report this data to you all because I know just how important it is for you all to know what I was doing with my summer, aside from becoming crazy and depressed.

In all fairness most of my summer I spent very upset or depressed so it might not be fair that everyone was mostly annoying, maybe I was just having a bad night that night...but really that goes without saying.

In any case it was good for me to show you all how hellish working there was...now you know what I dealt with and you also know that there are far too many people drunk driving. It's sad that a great deal of them were in the same line as a cop. Gotta love how observant they are.

My new obsession

is family guy, i can not get enough...i will watch all 8 episodes that come on any given week day. I need to get dvr or tivo when I get back to gainesville...it is a must.

Gainesville will never be home.

I am heading back to Gainesville either tomorrow or wednesday. I will be going back to school. I will not be running from my heartache I will instead be walking toward my future.
I at first looked at me going back early as the only way for me to live to see another day. Now I look at it as a way to see my life start again.
Every chapter of my life has been great so far, sure there have been struggles but they have all been worth seeing come to pass. This next chapter will be the greatest of all because I will be starting it out truly on my own and without a security blanket to run to, I will be on my own. I will start this school year with a new major, new friends, a new focus and I will be dating new people.
It will be good for me to get away from this place, to put it behind me for a while but I will not run from him I will only run toward myself.
Even though i am going to gainesville for another year, it will never be my home. My home is where ever my family is, mostly just rocky though, lol.
I might be able to graduate sooner than I thought. We will see.
I can't wait to see what God has planned for me now.

Goodnight everyone, don't forget about me, I won't forget about you.

Following corey's leadership role.

I too have happy things I can blog about and just to prove you all wrong I am going to blog only awesome things for a while...we'll see how long that lasts.
The one thing I never thought I would actually enjoy watching is the Olympics. I have never watched them except for the gymnastics and that's only when I actually used to participate in the sport.
The thing I hated about the Olympics is there are way too many freaking sports. Every few seconds, as soon as you get into a sport/event they switch it up on you with some cheesy transition like, "now tumbling back over to the U.S. gymnast team".

o k, so they never said that but I could imagine some of them have wanted to say that.

I freaking love all the U.S.A teams because they have time and time again proven how awesome America is at ignoring important things like work and school and instead trained their entire lives on one activity and that is all they are capable of doing.
I am sure once micheal Phelps finishes winning every swimming award possible that he will retire and live in a mansion somewhere and doing commercials for Nike or Corn Flakes every time he needs some extra cash.

Nastia, corey's new lover, is one of the oldest girls compete ting at the olympics. It's good he at least chose the legal one. I am proud of you corey.
Nastia is also the most amazing gymnist in the world as proven by her gold medal in individual gymnastics. I was happy that she got the gold because she was underscored I thought in at least two of her events. She deserved to win my more than she did.
That of course is my expert opinion since I did gymnastics for one year when i was like 8.

The truth is I love the Olympics so much now, especially since at misty's house I can do whatever I want and watch it later because she has the amazing and unforgettable tivo.
I love watching Olympics because there are sooo many things to watch, its never the same thing. There is always a different sport on, every other second you can watch a new sport.
frankly some of these sports shouldn't have been added to the Olympics such as couple diving, who cares if you can count to five in your head and jump of a board at the same time as someone else...that should not be a sport.
I miss synchronized swimming and the version of gymnastics that involved waving a ribbon and other items around...that was just cool.

Go phelps and gooo nastia. U.S.A Rocks China like an earthquake.

This was my day.

My world was turned upside down today as I had to prepare to move back to gainesville and pack my car. I had to go through all my boxes that have been in the garage all day and pick out what i needed and what could be left here. I saw so much so much that reminded me of what Josh meant to me and what we had. There are now two large boxes filled with memories that he and I made together. 1 is a box of random scrapbook stuff i have collected over the years. The status on my scrapbook is I started it while in highschool and have only made it to my high school years in the book. I have worked on it slowly and every summer gotten through another stage in my life. Obviously this summer I have avoided doing so because where I was in the scrapbook marks the beginning of The Josh and Cristy era. For the past 5 years Josh has been in every photo, memory, every good thing that happened to me, he was there. He was there to help me through the bad and laugh with me through the rest.
Josh was my everything, that became abundantly clear as I put what he has given me and what reminded me of him into the second box. It seems as all of my life belongs in those two boxes. Half of my jewelry, cds, movies, half my games, half my nic nacs, half my life belongs to him. I have to leave it all here, everything that is of him, in orange park. I can not bare to start my life over in gainesville with all of the things from him that will remind me of what I had.
I always wanted to finish that scrapbook and work on it as life occurs. That can not happen now. I can never finish it, it is too painful to look back.
I ended up sobbing all afternoon as box after box i found things that started the tears to flow again.
My mom tried desperately to stop me from crying, she told me this is a good thing and only good things can come from my new life without him.
Everyone says that, it must be true. I hope it is anyway. I must have a great life ahead of me because if he is not good enough for me and I can do better than what I thought what the best man I would ever meet than there must be a perfect man waiting for me at the end of this dream come true turned nightmare.
Still, regardless of what I have previously said it will take me a long time to fully realize how gone Josh really is from me.
It never leaves my mind,his moving on with this slut girl who is not worthy of him. Them as a couple haunts me dreams and wakes me up from a sound sleep. I find myself crying in my sleep. They torment me.
The only way I am going to get through this terrible time in my life is to cling to God, my family, my true friends, and above all let go of my pain and anger, accept it and move on with my life...this time without him.

I have to stop focusing on what I have lost at his hands. I have to not care what he did, is doing and will do. I have to forget about him.
The trouble is, how do you forget the most important, cherished, and loved person in your life.

I leave you with my epiphany...The obituary of Cristy and Josh's love.

The couple previously known as Josh and Cristy are being laid to rest.
For nearly five years they survived through many obstacles, parents, teachers, cops at the target parking lot, punctured lungs, an hour's drive, and many more.
Through all of these obstacles they drew near to each other and comforted each other.
They loved each other with their whole hearts. Either of them would have given anything for the other. Both of them put each other first.
They made many wonderful memories together, too many to count.
They took trips together to theme parks, kentucky, visiting potential schools, debate tournaments, among many other trips.
They had countless inside Jokes about tasting quesadillas, doing baby talk, him as the baby and her as the mom, scratching legs and arms, joking about their faults, family, friends, and life. They seemingly never stopped laughing.
They shared all the same friends who will dearly miss them and the joy they two spread to others. The inspiration they were to other by their loving relationship will truly be missed.
They wanted to please each other and did so in many way, through compromising, sharing, time with each other, material things, and even with p.d.a. (scratching his legs and arms and head and neck and back)
They both loved each other so much neither could let the other go when life, college, and temptation slowly tore them apart.

The Couple's love finally died Tuesday August 12th, 2008 when one's temptation took over and the other's heart was shattered.
The love they shared will always live on in other's memories and in photos and memorabilia.
The world became a darker on this day when such a bright and loving flame burnt out.
May the love they shared be a light in the dark, a hope to those who don't believe in love. Real love did exist, let us all pray that this kind of love will next time be worth fighting for, for both parties involved regardless of what life throws at it.

We will all miss their light, love, and the life they could have shared. May Cristy and Josh's Love (feb 9th, 2004 to august 12th 2008) forever Rest In Peace.

misty groce

I have lots to say but I will say only this. Today was a great struggle for me. My sister is the best person I know. She is a saint and everyday her loves make me want to get better. I thank God for her never ending love and patience with my never ending tears.
She holds me up when I want to fall back down. She loves me unconditionally and takes my mind of my pain when no one else can.
God's love shines through her and I strive to be that way. I love her so much. I would be nothing without her, she has kept me wanting to wake up in the morning.
Misty Groce is the most beautiful person I know.

everyone except my heart turned out to be right

Everyone told me to get away from him when he started dating her. EVERYONE. Did I listen, of course not. I always without fail follow my heart. It's what I do. I always trust it because it usually doesn't steer me wrong. This time it had intentions of killing me, that it did.
Everyone told me that he didn't want me and he didn't love me anymore. Everyone said he was over me and he had already moved on. Did I listen, no i didn't listen to them, I listened to HIM. He told me he did love me, he told me he did want me, he told me he could see us together forever, he said he had never moved on. I believed him. I trusted him completely.
Everyone one was right. He can tell me all day long that he still loves me, he has and he still maintains that he loves me, to the point that he gets angry because I don't believe him anymore. The truth is and everyone has said the SAME DAMN THING. "IF HE LOVED YOU HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU". I time and time again made excuses for him because I believed him. I finally ran out of excuses, there is no excuse left.
I hope that one day soon we can be friends.
I deserve so much better.

loss

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is not something I should be going through. Yet, My best friend and the love of my life has passed away. He is dead. He died about 3 months ago. I was in denial for a good two months. I pretended he was still alive. The person who has taken his identity has told me many different things and they allowed me to get sucked into the idea that i could bring him back to life. It took me three different rounds of depression. It took me dealing with suicidal thoughts, possibly being on medication, and being dumped and heartbroken on three different occasions for the truth to come out. Finally, he is really dead to me. I am over the first stage of dealing with grief. I have accepted that he is really gone. I won't be friends with the Josh impersonator. There is no point being constantly reminded of my loss and being disgusted by this person who claims he is Josh.
I have suffered the greatest loss of my life, now I have to grieve. The next stage is dealing with the pain I am experiencing and the loss of Josh's presence in my life after his death.
wish me luck. I will keep you updated on my grieving process. I am going back to gainesville to help this process asap. I am deleting Josh from my life. He deserves a proper burial. All the photos, memories, rings, memorabilia, gifts, everything is going into a box to be left back in orange park where Josh's presence was the strongest. I doubt I will be back there except for holidays and times when I miss my sister. I am keeping the engagement ring because I can't bare to see it be sold at a pawn shop by the Josh impersonator.
I am done.
I pray that life continues on the way it is supposed to. Maybe if a miracle occurs Josh Eric Bird, the love of my life, will be risen from the dead. If not, I will be in gainesville and dealing with my grief the only way I know how, to realize he is never coming back.

a summer in review

I hope that when i look back later in life I will look back at this summer as a time of personal growth and a time spent with friends.
The only trouble with that scenario is that this summer has been the summer of the end of Josh for me. This whole summer has led up to the moment where he finally admits he doesn't want me and I am not worth fighting for.
I hope that is not all I remember of this summer.
I pray that I will be ok.
I know that I had a lot of great times with him this summer but I think for the first time in my life the terrible times that I have endured may shadow over those good times, breaking them down into a waste of my time.
count them...1, 2, 3.
I got my heart broken by the same guy 3 times in a matter of 3 months. Who do I have to blame? No one but myself.
I think it is a vast understatement to say that I got my heart broken, It is more accurate to say that my spirit and life has been shattered.
The good news is I am heading back to gainesville. The bad news is i am coming back without Josh's heart. I am on my own now. No one to care what happens to me, no one to call to see how my day went. No one to talk about the few things I know about politics with. There is so much that I already miss and I just saw him yesterday.
It is going to be the roughest year of my life.

summer events that were fun to remember...
1 going to ichetucknee multiple times.
2 seeing movies the opening nights with josh, ben and heather.
3 bible studies with david
4 times when ben, josh, me, heather, and david all got together.
5 Rock band with the shrutes.
6 spending nights with my sissy and her sort of adopted daughters.
7 scratching Josh's legs and watching tv
8 Kyle's wedding with Josh's awesome family
9 island's of adventures with misty and jonathon
10 loving on misty's cat, smokey and david's animals.
11 getting to know New Beginnings people.
12 Rededicating my life to Jesus Christ.

I will try to stand on these things and remember the good times and not the depression that I am going back into.

My man

I have grown up so much I hardly recognize myself, at least my worrisome side anyway. I know what I want from my life and I know what I want in a partner. I know myself and my strength, that which I get from God. I respect myself and as always hold my beliefs and values higher than anything else. I deserve someone who will love me for me and will want only me. I deserve someone who will realize how amazing and rare I am. I want someone who can make me laugh and won't make me cry. I want someone who has the same morals as I do and who is growing in christ with me. I want someone who wants a family as I do. I want someone intelligent who can always intellectually stimulate me. I want someone who puts God first, family second, friends third and work last. I want someone who believes in marriage and not divorce. I want someone who knows what they want. I want someone who I can trust the same way that they can trust me. I want someone who will have the same unconditional love for me that I am capable of having. I want someone who I can take vacations with and enjoy some silence but never be awkward with. I want someone I can fight with and who will fight back. I want someone who will defend themself from slander and has a high respect for honesty. I want someone who is literate, it seems like an odd request but I have seen quite a few guys who are not. I want someone who will challenge me when I am wrong and someone who will accept when they are wrong. I want someone who will value me. I want someone who will hold me without me having to ask just because they want to, someone who will understand when i am angry and act accordingly. Someone who i do not have to spell everything out for, someone who will care to know my habits and know my personality well enough that I won't even have to say what I want. None of this is too much to ask because almost everything I have already had. I refuse to believe I won't find what I want out of my significant other because I already had it and now I have to either keep it or find it again, depending on him. I don't believe in love at first sight and I am a rational and logical person, I expect the same values in the person I love. What I will not tolerate is being second choice or being a backup. I deserve better and i will get better if that is the case. I stand firm in what I want. Let no man take from me what I have finally found. Self worth and self respect.

Growing Up

I have grown so much in the past few years, but really it has been the last few months that have really shaped me to who I know I will become. It is the hard times that you go through that determine who you are, that and how you deal with them. At first I cried everyday, I got depressed, I lost weight, and I whined. That was the beginning. Now I have reached a healthy place. I have realized that whatever happens I have to move forward. I have to continue to live my life no matter who is in it or who is not. I have come to the conclusion that I am worthy of only great things because I have only the most committed love and honestly to offer whoever I love. I have realized that nothing I do is worthy of praise. Only God is worthy of praise and he and he alone got me through this great ordeal in my life. God is who I will follow and God is towhom I gave my life. With all of this said, I am here to say that my life is still hard. I am still dealing with alot of loss and heartache, I am still dealing with the drastic change my life has taken as far as my education was going and whatever future career I was going to have, and finally now I am dealing with a deep debt with rent and possible eviction. Years ago, as only Josh can vouch, I would have freaked out with all of this upon my shoulders. I would have cried and thrown my hands up saying i am doomed and there is no way out. I would have flipped especially with the potential eviction. Now I can proudly say I am not fretting about any of it, I know one way or another I will get through it, if I don't get through it than God will find another way. There are only two options in life. 1) to life with what comes at you. 2) to kill yourself/give up/roll over and die. Those are the only two events that can occur, living or not living. I will always choose to live therefore I will not worry about the way in which I get through the hard times i will just hold fast to the FACT that I will get through them. I have been able to forgive more than i could ever thought I was capable. I have been able to survive what I never thought I could or would even want to survive. Here I stand and here I will continue to stand.

a sad fact

Today at work I got to know a kid, only 16. He is mexican but looks Indian, not native american.
We got to talking about all sorts of things. Just getting to know you stuff. Out of almost nowhere he starts to tell me about how his latest girlfriend was crazy and pretended to be pregnant and pretended to have gotten a std from him.
This honestly shocked the hell out of me.
Sure, I generally don't think about whether or not someone's sexual experiences may exceed my own because thats just weird to think about. Generally without even realize I am doing it I assume that people have similar values to me as far as sex and money, etc.
This could not be farther from the truth.
This boy who is only 16 admits to me that he has already had multiple sexual partners and two of which have claimed they were pregnant from him. this kid is not a huge stud, he is just your average mexican.
He said that the girls he dates are sluts, " they are the ones who open their legs" he tells me. I am pretty sure he got that I was shocked and afraid I would think he was a slut, or a bad person. I am sure my facial expressions gave my judgement away.
I didn't mean to judge him, it just shocked me.
It began to piss me off that he said the girls he slept with were sluts but not him because they spread their legs. It geniunely pisses me off the way guys think of girls.
Maybe girls in Texas, that's where he is from, are much more loose. Maybe all girls are much more loose than I imagine.
Maybe I am a huge prude?
I was very shocked.
I could never have sex with someone I did not truly love. I don't get how people could.
Maybe My views on sex are completely skewed or maybe the world has turned into a big orgy and no one told me.
The way he talked about his sexual experiences with me was so awkward for me, 1) we were at work. 2) I barely knew the kid. 3) I think he was hitting on me because he kept joking with me about it all and making comments.
I hate that i felt so self righteous because i had stronger morals and value than he does. i actually felt like a better person than he is because of his life choices. I know it is wrong and I should never think these things. The truth is I am proud of the fact that I am not a slut. I am proud to say that I have only had sex with one person and I have no desire to add to that number. i can stand proudly and say I love sex, But I don't need to sleep with more than one person to feel validated.

skin

Our epithelial tissue is absolutely amazing. How resilient it is and how it stretches and protects us against anything from mere dirt to harmful microscopic organisms never ceases to amaze me.
I recently have been painfully reminded of how amazing our skin is in two different circumstances.
1) my wrist acquired a second degree brun from a grill at taco bell. That was 3 weeks ago and it was very painful. The first thing I did was to put neosporin on it, which was a big mistake because I apparently am allergic to that now. The amazing thing is that ver time the skin that was being repeatedly burned by the neosporin allergic reaction has been worse off then the actual burn. New skin cells formed in the place of the destroyed cells. my arm's skin grew back together and the only scar I will be left with is the afterburn of neosporin. That to me is amazing. After being deeply burned and continuously attacked, the skin continues to prove it's ability to heal and replace itself.

2) about a week ag0 I got a terrible rug burn, in a very interesting way. It is right on my lower vertebre. It wasn't painful to get but the aftermath has been more than irritating.
Everytime I bend over or crouch down the skin that would normally stretch to allow me to do such things without notice is very annoyed with me.
I can feel every stretch in the now scabby skin that would normally stretch at least a couple of centimeters to give me room to move around.
You don't think about how incredibly fascinating your skin is, but really the human body is just down right intriguing.

The trustworhiness of men, for real this time.

I spoke irrationally. Hope can never be truly lost. Hope is what keeps the world turning, hope that things will change and things will always get more advanced and essentially better. If no hope had existed that one day The colonies would be free we would not be here today. If Hope didn't exist there would be no point, to anything. Hope in a brighter day and in what is to come is what keeps everyone going...the future is what people look toward.
With that said I have to admit I have lost some hope in future happiness with the male gender.
Lately I have seen only the piggish side, the testosterone driven, selfish and degrading bastards that you all can be at times.
I have to hold onto the fact that you all and in fact we all as a species have to go through an emotional roller coaster some times in our lives. We are all faced with the same temptations and doubts about the opposite sex and what we do during these times defines us but only in that time.
I would like to refer to this time as the "oat sowing" period for men and the "wondering" time for women.
Yes, we all falter and need time to explore what could be out there. The idea of the unknown is a powerful one. It can cause separations, divorces, breakups, and sometimes suicides or depression.
Getting through this time in one's life is imperative for success.
The time is obviously meant to be when you are young and gaining more confidence in yourself. This time can last as long or as short as you make it last.
Me personally it last only months. Apparently for other it can last year and potentially a lifetime.
Let's HOPE it doesn't come to that.
It is in this Oat sowing or wondering time that the person decides what they do want in a mate, life partner, husband/wife or general significant other.
It is also when the said person decides what they do not want.
I decided over a year ago what I wanted and have not faltered much since then.
Yes, I won't lie I have been disappointed, heart broken, lost, depressed, broken in general, and just plain in a bad situation.
The problem was the pedestal I created for that person and the idea that he was perfect.
The truth is no one is perfect that however does not mean that no man can meet an expectation a woman has.
Just because people will inevitably let you down at some point in your life does not mean that no one can be trusted or that a man will never be able to be true to a woman. It also doesn't mean that there should be no hope that real love exists.
...I will continue this later.

The trustworthiness of men, the female version

I will be rewriting this Just so you know.