The last one

I am deleting Josh from my life. I can not do this anymore. I can not try to be friends with him, as much as I want him to be in my life, right now it only hurts me and unlike him I can't push my pain away all the time.
No one knows how much this all has hurt me, everyone just looks at me and expects me to be ok and put a smile on for them so I don't make them feel awkward. I can not pretend I am ok all the time. I might be able to do it every now and then but it wears thin on my spirit to constantly hide how I am feeling. I get irritable when I hide who I am, what I want to say and how I feel.
I tried to sacrifice my feelings, my pain, and my thoughts for the good of us, our friendship and the good of our mutual friends.
It sucks that I blame myself for not being able to be friends with him when i should blame him for hurting me so bad that I can't even breathe sometimes.
I can't help but think that If I were more like him, able to hide my emotions and make jokes instead of deal with things, that I wouldn't even be in this pain right now. I would be able to laugh what he did off and deal with it that way instead of being too hurt to talk to him.

maybe counseling will help me, I hope it does.
I am going to try really hard not to blog anymore, specifically about any of this but really in general because all of it is just to keep my mind busy and to avoid what I am going through when that clearly is not how i handle things.

As much as I want to know what is going on with him, I don't want anyone to bring him up, to even talk about hanging out with him. I can't handle thinking of all my friends, our friends, meeting his new girlfriend and i certainly can't handle any of you liking her or enjoying her company.

This is my stance. If you are my friend you will know how much better than her I am, not just for Josh but also in general.

It sucks that it had to be like this but after everything that he did to hurt me, some purposefully, some not, it was stupid to even try right now. If ever.
Like my counselor said, I have to make my heart believe what my head already does. I am too good for all of this, I was too good to josh to deserve this happening. I deserve better. This will all pass and I will be happy again.

See my head has it down, that just hasn't stopped my heart from feeling the pain.