be careful what you wish for...

The funny thing about this is that I wanted Josh to date because I knew when he did he would realize what he had.
The thing I forgot to think about was the fact that he may take his dating experience much further than me.
Well that has come to pass.
I got exactly what I wanted...just like I wished he is dating someone else. He is having sex with someone else. Just perfect.

The truth is I am almost done with my problems with breathing, I can breathe now. Sometimes I have to take an extra breath to regain myself. I will still cry sometimes. I think that my sobbing is over.

I hope it is.

I went to gainesville yesterday, My mom couldn't stand me crying all day on my day off. She made me get out and I love her for that.
I cried the entire way there and the entire way back but on my way back I cried for different reasons.
When I got there I was a wreck then I talked to my roomie and she put me and my thoughts into perspective, they helped me to organize my thoughts.
When I came back I wasn't crying because I was falling apart without Josh. I was crying because I knew it was over. I finally excepted that we won't get back together anytime soon if at all.

When I got home I made a list. I wrote down all the things I was hurt by, all the things I still didn't understand and needed answers to, and not the sugar coated version I knew I had been getting to spare my feelings. This time It had to be real.

I probably shouldn't have called him but I did. It was the first time I knew I could talk to him without tearing up.
So I did call him and we had a long talk. It was good talk because we need to get on the same page.
I needed the truth. The real truth.

I got it.
He told me that he did have sex with her, I didn't cry. I already knew it but that didn't stop me from hurting just because I was right.
I didn't want to be right but I was. Yay for me I can tell what is going on...woohoo. who fucking cares. I didn't want to be right.
I needed to know if he had slept with her from his mouth because I knew when he said yes that it would change everything. It did change everything.
1) because I didn't know he was that kind of person
2) because I never thought he could sleep with someone he just met.
3) because I never knew who he was could change that drastically.
4) because I never thought he could do that to me, even though he didn't do it to hurt me and we aren't together, It did hurt me and he knew it would. I never would have done that. I never did anything major with the other guys I dated.
5) because I thought we had the same morals.
6) because we lost something we had when they had sex. He tainted what we had. He changed what we had for five years in the matter of 30 mins of passion.
7) Because it makes me think of him differently
8) because I cant trust him the way I used to, completely and openly with everything.
9) because I will never be the same again.
10) because I needed a number 10.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I do understand that he didn't cheat on me. I do understand he had no intention of getting back together.
The thing that bothers me the most is that he is a different person to me now.
I know My josh is still in there or at least I hope a part of him is but this changed who is he, at least to me.
I hate him so much for doing this. When he was hurting I didn't go out and have sex with some guy. I did meet other people, I did make out with other guys. I never did that to him though. I couldn't have.
I guess that is the difference between me and josh, even though I wanted to date other people I never stopped loving him, but he stopped loving me.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I am trying to think that almost everyone has more than one partner in their lifetime. I am trying to think of this as an adult. That it was just an act. It was just a physical act that means nothing. It is hard. It means something to me. Even when Josh and I were having sex all the time, it felt like it was just sex, it felt like we weren't in love at that time and we were just using each other. Maybe we were using each other like he and that girl are using each other.
It just felt different because I actually did love him. And not his definition of love that he has for me, a friend love and that is it. I have never really just thought of him as a friend.
He has been a friend with benefits at times. But those benefits weren't just sex, they were holding each other and kissing and being there for each other emotionally.

I can not believe that he loves me when he is capable of having sex with some girl he barely knows But now I know the truth. He doesn't love me, not in the way I thought he did.

I know he will always care for me. I know he will always care about me. But now that I know he can;t see us getting back together and he doesnt love me that way anymore. That makes things different.
I thought we were going through the same things. I thought he just needed to see people like I needed to see other people and go out and meet other people. Now I know he wasn't doing this to eventually get back together with me Like I was thinking when I went through this.

Things are different. I wish I knew sooner how over me and us he really is and it seems has been.

Now we just have our friendship left. I know we will be ok. I know this because I didn't cry on the phone, even when he told me the one thing that could make me hurt more than I already did.
I didn;t cry last night. I teared up this morning when i woke up and could picture him having sex with someone else but that is to be expected right now.

It doesnt seem like it from the way I have been acting and the way I have been writing in this blog but I really am starting to feel ok. I don't know how long this peace will last but right now I am holding onto it for dear life.

I wish I knew how long it will take me to be in love again. I wish I knew how long it will take me to not wish for what he had.
I do know that no matter what happens he will wake up one day just as I did, He will wake up and wish he could go back to what we had. He may never regret what he is doign now but he will regret that he had to go through this to be back where I am. When he does wake up and realize what I have already realized I hope that I am not long gone. If I am long gone I hope he doesn't have to hurt like I am hurting.

We will be ok because I know us, as josh and cristy, we are mature enough to be friends. We are close enough to remain friends. I don't know when it will stop being awkward but I have complete faith Everything will be ok.

I am done.

I cried tonight stronger/harder/ more powerfully than I ever have in my life. I am certain of this fact.
I was shaking and I still am.
I think Josh and that girl are having sex.
I can't believe it.
It hurts too bad that he would do something like that.
I knew it was the next logical step after fooling around on the first date that they would have sex.
I just don't know how I am going to live with that knowledge.
I really need help.
I want to die.

Writing

I don't care if you're tired of this broken record. I don't care because I am not writing for anyone but myself. i am one who truly believes that writing is an escape, It can help you think, help you make up you're mind, maybe it will kill me or maybe it will save me.

I need to write. I feel like if I don't write it down It will strangle me. Like when I'm about to start crying and the lump forms in my throat. I have to release the pressure that builds.

I am still having trouble coming to grips with my loss. I am still crazy jealous. I still want him more than ever and now he is moving even further from me. I know he isn't doing this on purpose but it's adding salt to an open wound.
He's moving in with a friend of mine, a girl who likes sex alot. She is infamous for her sexual drive.
He finds the one girl I would not want him to move in with and moves another hour away. If I ever want to see him I will have to drive 2 and a half hours to get to see him. I know he will never drive to see me because he struggled to do so when I was only an hour away. I drove almost everytime we saw each other this year. For some reason this doesn't phase him.

I know I shouldn't be writing this. I wish he didn't know how much I was hurting. I want to stop hurting so bad but it doesn't go away. I have been doing better. I thought I was at least.

I stand in the window at work everyday and when I am not passing out money or talking to customers I am thinking. Sometimes I have to bend to my knees and tell myself that i will be ok otherwise I wouldn't get through a shift.
The pain is nothing like I have ever felt before. I feel like I have to constantly remind myself I am not dying.

I talked with my mom today. She, like everyone else tells me this is a good thing for me. they all tell me I need to date. They tell me I need to go out with other guys. they tell me I need to move on.
The problem is not going out with other guys. I know of at least 2 guys right now who have wanted to take me out. I can get guys.
I am not worried that i am unattractive, I am not worried that i would eventually find someone that I like. None of that is what is killing me.

What no one seems to understand is how much I loved him. He way he eats drives me crazy but even so it makes me laugh. He is so cute. he makes constant jokes, but he can always make me feel better. even through this when ever I wasn't pissing me off he was able to make me smile.
His truck is a disaster, his room looks like a hurricane went through it with no hint of ever being cleaned. He doesn't wash his clothes sometimes and starts to stink. With all of these random flaws, I love them . I love his flaws. I didn't at first. It used to really piss me off that he couldn't clean up after himself but it grew on me, its like a joke. I just laugh and smile when I walk into his room. I just smile when i push bottles over in his truck.
I just offer to clean his sheets and I would offer to clean his clothes.

Sure I can go out with John Eassey when I get back to gainesville or nick frasier. I could find a guy at a bar and go out with him.
I won't.
Maybe I am torturing myself. In fact I know I am just torturing myself by constantly rehashing what i have lost instead of looking to the future.
A part of me takes comfort in sobbing because it is real, it is pure. A part of me holds on for dear life to josh. A part of me can not let him go no matter how much I would like to not feel this way.

I don't blame josh, he is just doing what I needed to do two years ago. I blame myself because I can not let him go. He has let me go, a long time ago. But I never let him go not even when I was with someone else. I never did let him go.
I realize how selfish that is. I realize I did bad things, manipulating him. Trying to make him jealous when he was already hurting. I didn't know I wasn't feeling what he felt because I was still holding onto him and he was trying to let go.
I wish so badly that I had not done those things. I wish i could take it back but I can't I know that the reason I did those things was because i wanted him here and he went back to orange park. I wanted to guilt him into seeing me. that was wrong.
Now, even though I am not trying to make him feel guilty I do.
All I want is for him to never stop loving me like I never stopped loving him and holding onto him. it doesnt seem fair that I was so blind. That the whole time I thought I had him I only had his fear of being alone.

Irony

I am a murderer.

Background: For christmas two years ago Josh did a wonderful thing for me. He relieved my pain of not having a pet. He bought me a chinese dwarf hamster. She was ours. he loved her too. We named her peanut and he loved to come over and see her.

fastward to the beginning of the month-
She was put in the den when smokee, misty's cat, had to stay with us for 2 weeks because she would be out of town. We didn't want the cat to be curious about the mouse like creature so we put her in a safe place.

I gave her food before I left for vacation with the idea that my mom would be here to give her more food and water when she ran out.

two weeks later-
I am sitting in the computer room where I never go because I wanted to write a blog and the internet I was stealing got wise and blocked me. I was forced to use my mom's slow ass aol internet to write my blog.

My mom comes in and asks how is peanut doing...
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT HER. I DIDNT THINK OF HER ONCE IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS.

certainly the food I gave her had run out and her water had probably been gone for over a week.

I was slowly and painfully killing the pet that Josh and I shared. How ironic I have also been killing our friendship with jealousy and anger.

Thank god my mom said something to me because she was almost to her death bed. She was emaciated, dehydrated, unable to open her eyes and barely able to walk.

Also, thank god I am not going to be a vet. I almost killed a hamster. I can't even imagine the pain she is going through right now and it is all because of me.
I think we got her in time. she seemed very responsive after drinking for 20 mins straight.
I am praying that she does not die.

a bit of self help

Josh and I are not going to be seeing each other for some time, the length is unknown and depends on me alone.

To get through this difficult time in my life I have began research on surviving the loss of a loved one. I know josh isn't dead but since he won't be in my life for any given period of time, I should treat the situation as if he is truely gone from me. At least that is how the experts have described it so far in my research.
here is what I have found. I am not sure it will help me but I didn't cry at all last night even though things came up that would normally spiral me down into depression. I was ok. I slept almost soundly, with the exception of being woken by concerned friends and family about my recent behaviors.
Thank God for them but sometimes I feel that I am alone because I knwo that I have to go through this on my own. I wish someone could help. I don't think anyone can. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I am on my own with this and it has to make me stronger because other wise I die.

How to Heal When a Loved One Leaves

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 Source: By Wendy Bridger

"Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn’t working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you’ve started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.
In some ways, loosing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same.
That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies don’t taste right, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of the loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD.
Short and simple, this is what grieving is...
Learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are.

So, what do we do?
How do we go on after they are gone?

I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed or ended, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don’t feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life without them. When my father in law lost his dad last year, he hung a picture of him up in the living room. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving them a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them. I had a friend who’s little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, I remember burning every picture I had of an ex-boyfriend when I finally came to terms that he was gone and I needed to move on.

Another thing, you usually don’t ever “get over it.” Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it’s easy to realize that replacing it with something else would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having them again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, and brownies. So, even if you aren’t going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn’t easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it’s going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one. "

I will hold onto the song "broken" by seether because Josh thinks of us when he hears it, I agree.
We both love each other so much that we don't want to see the other hurt. he wants to take away my pain, and I wanted to take his away.


I feel like I can't live without him sometimes but i realize I can live without him. I just don't want to.

I know I am stupid

Believe me, I know no woman should put them self through what I am doing. I guess I feel that sense he survived me doing this to him I should be able to handle it in reverse.

I promise you all I will be ok.

I realized last night that I am fucking hot. There are plenty of guys out there who would give anything to find a girl like me.

I know that now.

They maybe creeps, assholes, jerks, retards, and whatever else. They sure as hell aren't Josh and I have to accept that. I am going to be ok. I have to be ok because I am a survivor.

Josh can not be the only great guy out there for me. There has to be more, there just has to be.

I wanted to marry Josh. I wanted to love him and only him for the rest of my life. I could see us having the "perfect" life together. We even talked about our kids names. I could see us being the one couple who really made it til death do us part. well, now we know that if we ever did get married we wouldn't have ever divorced. I mean look how far we have come just to stay friends/and more. There is no way in hell divorce would have split us, We can't even split us even though we both think we should sometimes. Nor distance, time, etc. That says a lot about both of us.

Well as great as that dream was, it just isn't coming to pass. Perhaps one day if we get our timing right we could end up together. I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I need to focus on school and not Josh. I need to accept that Josh and I are not together. he does not want to be with me and I can not force him to love me. If I have any chance to stay friends with him I can not mess that up. Right now I am ruining what we had. I am not honoring or preserving it, I am being stupid. I have to be ok.



I am going to be ok.

I am sorry.

I am truly sorry. I am not sure what all I said. I am not sure how much I drank. I am sure I pissed off some people last night, I guess I was more drunk than I thought.
My hangover is stopping me from crying thank god.

It's funny how dogs, who have no emotional range, can sense problems with their masters. As soon as I was woken by the fact that I was naked and never turned my light off last night they jetted into my room to see what was the matter. Rocky only comes into my room for special occasions on the count that he is too large and it too small. It was nice.

It is 7: 30 am and this is the earliest I have been up in forever. I don't like it because I have no clue how late I stayed out. I do know that my knee is scraped up and I have 4 missed calls from corey alone. What did I do that was so wrong. I wish I could remember.
I wish I had my car keys.

I wish I had the ability to hide everything I am feeling so that everyone else was more comfortable. I am pretty sure I cried all the way home drunk off my ass and lying on corey's truck floor board. I don't remember why I was crying. I am so sorry for bringing my problems to him. He has his own and doesn't need mine.

I can not go to gainesville, I am not going back there yet. It would be stupid. I have no job there. I do not have the strength to find one right now and I am already going back in a month for school. Besides, If I can't be ok here when I have him to comfort me than I will only be worse there where I have nothing to do but think and wonder.

The bottom line is Corey might be right, I don't know if Josh and I really have this amazing friendship or if all we had was this amazing relationship that we have leached onto, Me more than him and this point.

This just happened at a bad time in my life. I am working weird hours, I am not in school, and school is not going well for me.

The problem is I love him so much that it hurts and I can not let him go. I would rather do all that I can to make myself ok then to see him slip out of my life.

He is all that I have.

For 4 years it has been Cristy and Josh, even when we haven't been together we have been together. I can not be the reason that we don't make it. I have to be strong and I have to be ok. In case you haven't noticed I don't breathe without him.

I felt it.

For the skeptics.

I felt what love is. It maybe hard to explain every aspect of love but here is one.
I lay awake in his bed after being disappointed from doing nothing but sleep. All I can think is what he has done with this other girl who is so much better than me. I feel the tears mount. I turn over so he can't see or hear me. suddenly he turns over and puts his arms around me. He holds me as close as he can. I can feel my whole body tingle like having butterflies all over your body, not just in your stomach. He kissed the back of my neck. He wanted to know what was wrong. He can almost always sense when i am upset. I couldn't explain then and I didn't want to explain.
It's getting repetitive.
The same explanations as to why I am upset. It never changes.
Anyway, then and there I felt Love. I felt my love for him. It of course wasn't the first time I have felt love. Every time he holds my hand on a road trip, every time he hugs me or kisses me.
This is very bothersome that I can still feel that love even though he could be doing the same things with this other girl.
This is when my mind wonders. When I think about this other girl which is alot. I wonder if she knows how lucky she is that he wants to spend time with her. I wonder if she is falling for him. I wonder how much he really likes her as opposed to what he says which is I am thinking too much into it.
I wonder if when he is holding me he is thinking about holding her.
I know it is normal for people to have more than one sexual partner in their lifetime. I however could not deal with them doing that. I am not even dealing well with them doing everything but that.
My heart is aching because i felt love but it was a one way street.

Relationships never work, apparently...

One of the reasons I was initially so freaked out about getting married when I was engaged was that the divorce rate is far too high. It seems like you have the same chance of staying together as you do divorcing. It's come down but it was like 85% divorce rate in the U.S. Now it's closer to 50/50.
I talked with a coworker who is going through a divorce right now. well, not officially. Her husband lives in Atlanta and she lives here, works two jobs, has no transportation, has four kids to support and no help from their father who is sleeping around on her. Apparently he has been sleeping around on her since they first got married. He even has a mood he is in when he is cheating. She claims it was on and off and mostly on again.
My heart went out to her. 'This is why people divorce', I thought about this on the way home from dropping her off. There are several reasons the divorce rate is so high,
1) people are too young and stupid to get married but do anyway.
2) people have accidental pregnancies.
3) people people rush into marriage.
4) people do not know who they are marrying.
5) people marry for reasons other than love and friendship.
6) people don't work out their relationship with God as well as each other.

ok, there should have only been 5, i felt the last one was good so I had to throw it in there.
These are the all bad reasons to get married and these relationship hardly ever work out.
Now onto my example of a good marriage, Tina and Sean Hult.
The have been married for 10 years and only fought over the normal things like money. They are still madly in love and each others soul mate.

I don't believe in soul mates anymore. I now believe in love differently. Lately, I have hated love and the power it has to destroy a life. There isn't just one person out there that you are meant for i suppose. It seems that everyone must get hurt at least once in their lives.

Habits are hard to break

It's been days now since I started my new habit. My new habit is crying. First, It started off strong. I cried all the time. All day it seemed. Next, Oh wait, I still cry all the time.
well, thats not entirely true. The only time i sob uncontrollably now is when I am alone. I seem to hate being alone now. It's not even that I hate being alone really, its more that being by myself for any given amount of time causes my mind to race and the tears to fall. I start to scream a little at first. The screaming turns into loss of breathe. I have to gasp to breathe and then the free flowing tears fall with the most incredible quickness.
(side note: I am not saying this to hurt josh, I am not saying this to pass blame on my time of pain. I am saying this to get it out of my system temporarily between crying spurts and to try and understand how and why I am doing this.
The only time I have ever stopped crying on my own, that is without the help of sleep, is when he has touched me or held me.
He is my poison and my antidote.
I am going to try and hold back my anger and try to be understanding. I want so badly to be ok again. I want so badly to be able to fall asleep in my own bed with out the throbbing head ache from sobbing for hours.
He asks, "what can I do?, what do u want me to do?"
My response, "love me more, don't like her".
I know that no one will ever love him like I love him. I know that no one will ever understand him and want him as badly as I do.
I also know that I need my space at one time from our relationship to explore and now he needs the same thing.
What I didn't know then was how every little thing hurt so bad that ripping out my eyes or tearing off my ears would be seemingly more kind.
I don't know how to better describe my pain then, I feel like someone is ripping out my heart.
I know that he will always love me. He has not always been IN LOVE with me. I have to accept that he may love another. He will almost certainly have sex with another. I am powerless to stop it.
I have had fantasies of kicking him in the balls, of going to Ruby Tuesday's and asking for her to be my server which is when I will throw my water...with lemon (for the sting) into her eyes.
I would never do either. I'm pretty sure I will never step foot in another Ruby Tuesday's for as long as this pain is slowly killing my soul.
I feel like an empty shell of raw emotions. Cristy is not here right now, please leave a message.
Acting as cristy at this time is her over emotional sidekick. she's a little crazy so watch what you say.
Ok, I must be getting better because I am able to see humor in my immense pain.
It all is bad right now. It is very bad. If anyone asks how I am doing I simply tell the truth, which is "no i am honestly not ok." The asker replies, "are u going to be ok, is there anything I can help you with". My response is aways the same, "no I may not be ok for a very long time, Thank you for asking, There is nothing you can do. Just don't let me be alone."
I am afraid to be alone. For the first time in my life, I am truely afraid of being alone.

i still can't breathe

the crying saga continues as I spiral down into the deepest and darkest place I have ever been in my life. I started crying at work tonight and that is the moment I realized that this isn't some emotional pms girly thing. this is real. My life really feels over. It keeps getting worse. I pissed him off. He didn't want to listen to me and I didn't want say everything was ok. I didn't mean to pass blame I wanted him to understand how I am feeling. Instead he uses the past against me. Yes, I know I hurt him as much as he is hurting me. That is in the past and was a mistake. Am I supposed to punish myself forever. I guess he never really forgave me and still holds it all against me. I changed his life for the worse and now the same thing is happening to me. For as long as I can remember he was the person I ran to when I needed comfort or anything. He has always been my rock. Now I am standing in quick sand being pulled into the ground where I will be burried alive. I am very worried for myself. I can't breathe sometimes. I remember when i first hurt him. I cried for 5 hours the same way i have been for the past 4 days. I sat on my bathroom floor and I died because he was hurt. I couldn't take back what I had done and I hated myself for it. We talked and talked and we somehow made it through. looking back I think josh must have just bottled up all of it and pretended nothing had happened. I admitted everything. I wish I were smart enough to see that that was the REAL end. I feel like this last year and a half has been a dream. I feel just like the girl sitting on the bathroom floor again crying because she made a mistake that cost her the best thing that ever happened to her. It is history repeating itself. Josh is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's so surreal that we are really over. I guess we have been since then but I didn't know it. I wish I could remember the good times. Josh and I have had some of the best memories. We have shared a great love. I can't grip my mind fully over what I have lost. I believe the reason I am crying so much is because little by little it is sinking in that I may never again feel that love. I may never again be loved the way he loved me. I may never again feel the kind of joy that I had with him. I can't breath...

no air

That song no air is soo true.
I am laying on my bed and have now been crying for almost 50 mins straight. I'm not just crying either I am literally sobbing my tear ducts dry. Almost to the point of dry heaving. I can't remember the last time I have cried this much and I can't remember the last time something hurt this bad. I have cried everyday. I can't stop thinking about him doing stuff to some girl. I want to hate him but all i can do is hate myself and try to keep breathing.
I kind of feel the walls around me tumbling down.
I can't breathe. I can feel myself wanting to die a little but struggling to live.
The more I think about it the more hurt I become. I can't understand how he stayed friends with me when I can't even stop crying long enough to look at him. I'm sure he's noticed I don't look him in the eyes anymore. I'm sure he's noticed we haven't hung out as much. I'm also sure he's contemplated not being friends with me anymore. I still can't breathe.
He's the most important person in my life. without him i stop making sense and stop breathing.
I'm not sure what exactly brought on this 3 day weeping fest but i die a little every time i think of him with that girl, or even at work where I know she is. The sad thing is it isn't even just her its all the other girls in the last few months that he's had crushes on. its all of it. I can't breathe....

stupid dreams

I had an extremely vivid dream last night. One in which I am sure was physically vocalized but no one was around to hear the tears.
It was so real it was as if it really happened. When I woke up i felt sad and alone. my eyes were puffy I think I did really cry. I think my heart did break a little. I think what happened in my dream, or night terror if you will, really happened in my heart.
All my emotions poured themselves into my subconscious only to harass me in my only time of peace. My sleep.
I blame myself, I should have read Eldest before bed. I read and wrote blogs and got on facebook. Any thought at 4 or 5 in the morning is too early/or late in my case to be dwelled upon.
Hopefully the nap i take today will be light and easy and emotionless.

unexpected fun

Fun can come when least expected.
I went into work at 6pm thinking how much I hated being there and missing stuff with friends on a Saturday night.I was also depressed about other things. I was just in a miserable mood. I was even late because Taco Bell decided to actually fix the time of the store to real time and since it is usually 7-10 minutes slow I plan accordingly.
I knew I had a rough shift ahead and was dreading even being alive today.
That all changed when 10:00 pm came around. Things started to look up. I decided we needed some stats on the kind of customers we have. I decided to tally up on a napkin how many customers are 1) assholes, 2) super nice, 3) annoying, and 4) drunkies.
by the time 3 am rolled around and the store was closing I had a good idea without even counting and I'm sure you all do too.
First of all, it was fun to label people into those categories if they fit and secondly it was funny to see what we really had to deal with.
assholes-15
super nice people- 8
annoying-14
drunkies- 18
I should probably elaborate on what it takes to land in one of these categories.
assholes -are people who you try to be nice to but they still give u dirty looks, and also people with generally bad attitudes. thankfully they are usually easily ignored or few and far between. It really depends on the night.
super nice - these aren't just people who say thank you at the end. these are the brave me and women who admit if they were wrong and who can make me laugh on a terrifyingly long shift.
annoying- these are the people who are so dumb it just annoys you. these people do not understand or care how to order food properly. they don't know what they want and they are rude when they are asked questions. these people have a habit of changing their order at the last minute and take an unusually long time searching for money or the gear changer to get out of the drive through.
drunkies-self explanatory.
Should also know the extreme customers can fall into several of these categories at once.
The night was surprisingly fun and got my mind off of things that I need not think about. I was grateful to be with tina and other to cut up and enjoy making fun of retard customers.

how old am I?

I think it's time to start growing up a bit. I'm 21 years old and after knowing what I wanted out of life for the best 10 years I now have no clue what I want.
I need to get back to reality. This fantasy summer vacation is doing nothing for me. I'm not taking classes, not doing anything but working at taco bell and going on facebook. I've been enjoying some amazing vacations. Going here and there with friends and family. All the while I am putting off education and working at a real job. I'm also putting off the inevitable.
Maybe I am just a little depressed right now, maybe I feel a little lonely but I really feel the need to be loved right now. I am just not getting that.
Everyone thinks josh and I are a couple who don't know the whole story. I even still think of us as a couple sometimes.
i'm sorry I need to stop talking/writing/thinking about this situation. it's taking over my life. I can't stand this feeling.
I hate being this person. Corey is right in one aspect I'm a beautiful 21 year old woman and all I do is chase after someone who doesn't want me "RIGHT NOW". It seems a little crazy.
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe you're crazy.

Back to work

To me it is always hard to readjust to life after a vacation. It doesn't matter how long it is it only matters how much fun it was to be gone.
I had a five day vacation from work. It was awesome. My brother from New York came down for my other brother's graduation with his associate degree from a tech school...not impressed, neither was I.
From the moment I see Jonathan (the bro from N.Y.) till the time he leaves I am utterly happy. He is a great brother who I have a lot in common with.
Matthew's graduation was sub par at best. First of all he is an asshole of a person and one of my least favorite people in the world. I really shudder when I know I have to see him. I'm not bitchy trust me he has done alot to me in my 21 years of life and most of which I will never forget. Aside form terrorizing me he just is not a good person. So I was not pleased to be attending his graduation ceremony.
I had to go.
I went.
It was boring and Jonathan and I made fun of it the entire time to keep us awake. only 100 students graduated. ALL but 10 were graduating with honors...guess who ONE of the 10 was.!?
After his graduation we came back home for some amazing lasagna made home made by my loving grandmother.
Afterwards we all went to Matthew's graduation party at his house, a bonfire with rednecks and assholes. Matthew was on his best behavior as always when Jonathan is around.
I made a splash! There was one guy who I found attractive, turns out he thought the same thing and without asking me, Matthew gives this guy my number. oh joy. Any one who can tolerate matthew is no friend of mine. Definitely not a love interest.
Anways, we had shots in celebration of matthew's "accomplishment" and Jonathan's Show Cash Cab won an Emmy THAT SAME NIGHT!!! YAY FOR HIM. HIS FIRST EMMY!!!

Then the real fun began. The next day, Saturday we woke up bright and early to head down to The Ichetucknee River with myself, Misty, Jonathan, granny, and My mom. Matthew was supposed to come but we couldn't wake him up after he drank all night.
The river was absolutely amazing as always. You all know how Obsessed I am.
Everyone loved it and granny had a ball. which was my goal. Granny's happiness is always my goal.
After we spend 2 hours floating down the river we went to the spring. Unfortunately by mask broke so I couldn't enjoy all the underwater beauty but it was fun anyway. Granny fell on our way out and broke a toe, scrapped up her whole arm and was bleeding profusely.
This isn't ever a big deal. Granny is the most clumsy person and most accident prone person I have ever met.
Quote of the week, "it isn't a vacation until granny gets hurt"
It sounds mean but it's true and she was in good spirits she just laughs it off. For a 71 year old woman she is tough. But she bruises like a peach. I love her.
We headed back to Gainesville after our long day in the sun. Jonathan went to meet up with some friends and misty and I bonded over mario cart and harry potter scene it. we also had a drink to help.
The next two days were going to be just as fun as Saturday. Universal for 2 days, for the price of one I might add.
We had a great trip down to universal just Misty, Jonathan, and I. We rode the new simpsons ride, and everything else for two days. We drank at happy hour both days, we joked around and we cogently got through lines at the parks quickly.
It was a great week and I had so much fun.
I hate coming back to reality after being in a fantasy for 4 days.
oh well, I'll save up for the next big adventure. who's coming?

Broken Record

~~~~~~~~Warning: if your name is corey do not read this...thanks!~~~~~~~~~~
I have a lot to think about. This isn't easy. I hope you all know that.

I certainly hope you can grasp your mind around the idea of knowingly and purposefully destroying what could be the purpose of your existence.
I have made this year the year of decisions. Unfortunately so far the only decision I have finished making is that I won't be completing U.F with the intent on becoming a Veterinarian. It took a lot of thought and I cried many times over my failures. I eventually made the decision to go after something else when the cliche' "piss or get off the pot" began to overcome my life.
Here it goes again.
This time it isn't my career and the work that I will be doing on this earth. This time it is much more.
This time it includes someone else's life and the future happiness of us both.
I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to so there is no need to spell it out for you.

I didn't really give an ultimatum but it certainly could have been taken that way. What I did do was put myself in a position that forces me to also make up my mind.
I have several options, Only one is pulling at my heart. I know what my gut tells me. I know what my head tells me and I know what my heart tells me.
The only trouble is I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know if i'm forcing something that we just wouldn't let die or if this feeling in the pit of my stomach that says it's the real deal is influenced too heavily by a fantasy created by countless chick flicks/disney movies and overall fiction literature or my innate yearning to love and be loved.

I can rule a few things out for the skeptics.
1) we are more than a good friendship taken too far.
2) there are somethings that are worth fighting for and I am at least 90% sure that at the very least our friendship is one of them and on most days our love is also.
3) I have dated. And how many people does it take to be wrong to know who is right?...no one has a good number so why can't it be one or two?
4) We have faced COUNTLESS adversities and yet here we still are...
5)This isn't something that can be cut off...we tried that.
6) it's more than loyalty...loyalty implies duty not wanting.
7) A part of both of us would die without the other, of this I am certain. ( I don't mean this in the creepy we can't live without each other way...yuck. I mean this in the way that no matter who you are if you spend the majority of 5 years with someone both in actual time and in metaphorical relationship there is going to be a part of you missing without that other person. That's just natural)

Trust me I see that I am hung up. I get that, but everyone thought it was cute when he was hung up on me. That's a double standard.
I get it! I'm only 21 the whole world thinks I should be out dating and essentially being a hoe like half the girls my age. Guess what? I have never been that type nor will I ever be.
I will always be a one man woman and I will never go out looking for people to meet in that manner. That is just how i am. I have always dated really good friends of mine...even when i did my dating phase. ALL FRIENDS ALREADY.

What i really started off wanting to say was that I don't know yet if this is real. I don't think anyone ever knows for sure. What i ended up doing was defending my relationship and feelings.
I don't know what that means or how it helps me but I just needed to write.

lyrics

I love country music, I couldn't help it even if I wanted to it was instilled into me as a child and It made me who I am today. Something else you should know is that I love country music because of the stories that are told, it is the lyrics that move me and speak to me. Lyrics have always been more important to me than a good beat and an awesome guitar solo. These are the reasons that I had to share this song with you. As much as I hate the group Sugarland and mostly the lead singer chick (I just hate her voice) I can't help but love this song and how it speaks to me.


I'm just holding on tight...
I've got someone who loves me more then words can say
And I'm thankful for that each and every day
And if I count all my blessings, I get a smile on my face
Still it's hard to find faith..

[Chorus:]
But if you can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave You just might make me believe

Its just day to day tryin' to make ends meet
What id give for an address out on easy street
I need a deep margarita to help me unwind
Leave my troubles behind...

[Repeat Chorus]

I used to believe in us
When times got tough
But lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough

[Chorus:]
But if you can can look in my eyes
And tell me we'll be alright
If you promise never to leave you just might make me
Oh, you just might make me
You just might make me believe

giving and not taking

When it comes to most things in my life I tend to do what will hurt the least amount of people (excluding a few exceptions). This may seem like an admirable personality trait but it really isn't. In doing what will make other people happy I tend to not be happy. In every job I have ever had I did more for the company than it would do for me and still had too much loyalty to leave. I have never had a good paying job but I have stayed at every job I have ever gotten until I left for college or could physically no longer work in that city because of moving. I always put out more than I get back and I can never muster the balls to say when is enough and find a good paying job.
Taco Bell- I loved it for the people. I hate the hours, I hate taking orders and I definitely hate the pay. (2 years)

Bath and Body Works- wouldn't give me enough hours and hassled me to sell what was unsellable even by their standards. Took away the good discount and I hated most of the staff and all of the managers. BUT BUT BUT I loved the products. (christmas break, then the summer break that followed)

Taco Bell (Summer part 1)- I loved the power I had because I had seniority, its amazing how little power it takes to feel powerful and in control. Very very sad...but i felt like I owned the place. I still had to work the shitty hours and have no fun.

Westside Animal Hopsital- worst pay I have ever had, worst boss (at first till she got fired 7 months after i started) only 12-25 hours a week depending on school. Can get boring because it is so slow. I absolutely love the people I work with ( most of the time) and love my job but I do not get the money or hours I need or DESERVE Yet I can not quit, something always stops me from being the bad guy who quits because of money.

I suppose that is the root of the problem. I have this mind set that basing your life off of money is a bad thing. Changing your life because of the almighty dollar will make me a bad person.
I don't know why I have this ideal but it causes me to always be broke. (I also have this habit of being peer pressured into spending money that I don't have to)
If I looked out for my own interests more instead of always being content with working with good people I would be much richer and have more saved. I might also have a better resume...turns out taco bell is not appealing to real jobs.

damn i hate when I'm wrong

So it looks like I was wrong, looks like the love of my life can date other people. Man it sucks to be wrong. I told myself and my close personal friends that I just knew he wouldn't date anyone and we would get back together. Well, I should have known better. I should have known that a year later I shouldn't still be chasing after the same guy. I thought for some reason after everything we have been through that we would end up together and that what we had would be enough to over come anything. I guess I was wrong. I guess its true, life never turns out the way you expect it, I shouldn't have expected anything at the ripe age of 21. I guess i'll have to wait for life to happen.

A Vivid Dream

Last night I had an extremely vivid dream of the perfect proposal. I know even through my cynical exterior I still really want to eventually get married and have kids, despite the fact that I have never seen a great marriage in action, or one even last till death do us part. Even considering my cynical nature I still truly believe that I will marry the love of my life. In this dream I know who it is and anyone who knows me will know who this is, He's a great guy and I love him.
The dream starts right now...
I was surprised to come home to such commotion. After being in gainesville for so long it seemed nothing had changed. all the boxes in the industrial sized garage were still in the same spots. As I head into the house a box catches my eye. It was collaged with things that I like, pictures of harry potter, Matthew Perry amongst other things. As I open the box I see a note from a friend of mine, Corey S. as a long time friend I have religiously read his blogs and found inspriation and fear from them . It was odd, I thought, that he would send me a huge box like this after reading some frightful blogs he wrote I was worried about him and wondered what he would want to give me. As I opened it I saw lots of little notes. Each describing something he wanted me to do. Some things where things i have always wanted to do like take a trip to England or finish my scrapbook. Along with the notes were hints and materials to help me complete these jobs. I started to cry immediatly. "How does corey know me this well", I said aloud to my mom. She immediately thought he had a secret crush on me. I knew it wasn't true but still the evidence was odd. I never told him about my scrapbook or my dreams and hopes and yet somehow he not only knew them but was going to help me do them all.
As I walk into the house (which in a dream is always 5 times bigger than the origional) There he was sitting at the table waiting for me. I start to cry even harder. "How did you do this, what is all this" I said. People started to gather around, people I didn't even know. he pulled out a box and said, "this is for you". I took the ring sized box and shook my head, no way was corey proposing to me. My reaction was what the hell is going on.
The box had a note attached and corey pushed me to read it quickly.
As I opened it I noticed it wasn't his writing it was Josh's. It said...
" You said no the first time so I figured if I had someone else ask for me you would say yes., love josh"
It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen and not because it was a huge diamond because it wasn't, it was beautiful because Josh found the most surprising way to ask me to marry him. Odd, yes...but definitely surprising. Corey just smiled and congradulated me. I didn't even have to say yes. My tears and loss of words was enough. I couldn't breathe. Where the hell is he, I asked.
"you'll see", corey said with a sly smile.
I almost started hyperventilating.
Then as I get up to show my family the ring, they were unsurprised, it seems everyone knew except for me that this was going to happen.
I couldn't wait to see him, then out of the crowd of people I saw him coming toward me smiling, the same smile he has every time he does something right and he knows it. He always got so mad when I said he couldn't surprise me. He gets too excited and ends up telling me what the surprise is before it can happen. I knew before he could think it that he was going to say "see I can surprise you!" Of course he did say it because he loves to be right.
He admitted to the box that was from corey was really from him he just wanted to throw me off, and he wanted us to do all these things together.
I know it seems weird but to me that was the perfect proposal, well thought out, surprising, and josh's style.
I just cried and cried in the dream. it just ended abruptly. If dreams are supposed to mean anything then I suppose I had this because I have been thinking about my future alot, I 've been hanging out with an old manager who knew josh and I together when we were really happy and both equally in love. She was talking about marriage and I brought corey into it because I just read his blogs before I went to bed.
So it's either that theory or well, I have just prophesied that josh and I will get engaged again. I guess we'll see.

anxiousness

I hate being anxious. I get tense and annoyed easily. I eat more. It's a very unhealthy state. I'm never sure how to relax when I get like this. Right now I am anxious to be done with this online driving course and awaiting a phone call that may or may not come.
maybe if I had a few drinks but I really am not going to drink for a while, well at least until june 13th, my brothers graduation. I'm sure the occasion will call for a few drinks then.

In the meantime I am still anxious....damn it

when is love not enough?

I have to say that I always knew love was a tough business and I know that people give up too easily sometimes but how do you know when you just shouldn't be together.
How many things can there be about a person that you don't like before you say, alright well this isn't going to work?
The person I love with all of my heart isn't exactly as in love with me as I am with him. The tables were turned a little less than a year ago. But now that they are, how do I know everything will be ok in the end. I can say all day long that I have this gut instinct that we will live happily ever after, but is that wishful thinking or do I truly believe it will come to pass?
Are we perfect for each other? I feel like we used to be... but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not a big Christian like I once was and now he is again. The difference in religious belief is a huge deal. I like to share everything with him, and he can't open up for the life of him. I know nothing of his true feelings on any particular matter that really matters in life, excluding politics.
Ok, well those are the only two things that we have that truly separate us but they are huge deals and that list should also include that fact that I am madly in love with him and he has luke warm feelings for me.
Is all of that enough to keep us apart or should I keep believing in what I feel?
I know I sound like a crazy person, obviously if you love someone and they don't have the same feelings than you should move on.
This one and I we have a different story. There is a lot invested, a lot of love that was there and we have stuck through a lot as best friends and more.

My mom used to say that he was really just a great friend and nothing more, my heart screams that that is not true. With every ounce of me I love him. I dream about him all the time. my biggest fear in this world is to be without him. I have had many night mares that he would die and I would not be able to breath without him.
I hope I'm not co-dependent cause i will be screwed if he decides I am not the one for him if I am co-dependent.
I know that I would survive cause I am a survivor its in my nature But I pray I will never have to know life without him.
....i guess that statement alone answers some parts of my question.

Indiana Jones and Sex and the City

Indiana Jones was good. Not great. I find the ending to be lame and annoying. I love shia Labouffe normally but this was not his greatest role and it became cheesy toward the end. I do however appreciate the action scenes which were well done and rather exciting. yay for swinging on vines and monkeys leading the way, always a good time.

Sex and the City, I love the show so of course I will love the movie.
Not only was it a great end to sex with the city girls and our secret relationship but it was just generally interesting to watch. I am not the big fashion lover, I don't need labels. I did, however enjoy watching carrie's sense of high fashion. I find High Fashion to be rather tacky, tasteless, and funky for lack of a better word. I like to make fun of it. I'm a cynical person of course I will get more joy from putting things down then lifting them up, its just how I operate.

Next movies on the list...
get smart-can't wait
the strangers- really scared but being forced to go
the zohan- i love adam sandler
the hulk
hancock
dark knight
Harry Potter 6

tired

I am still up and I blame my friend Corey. I read his blogs and watched some porn that was linked on one of the blogs and now I can't go to sleep because I watched porn for an hour. some of it was gross and some of it was very tasteful and actually very good. I have something I need to admit...I love porn. I don't allow myself to watch it often because I feel dirty and kind of like a whore. But when I actually do watch it, horny emotions quickly follow. Ok, seriously Porn gets me hot. I'm sure it gets everyone hot but for me to admit this and truly believe it, well thats a huge step against my outward prude appearance that I keep up.
So, I watched some porn and the funny thing is I didn't masturbate. I don't like to masturbate, this may seem weird but I like the feeling of being horny and have all that raw and pent up energy just floating at the surface.
I was also getting some tips on how to better have sex. I have only had one partner and I don't think I'm very good at sex and today I realized why...I'm kind of lazy I gotta get off my ass and out from underneath, get on top and start doing some work.
Unfortunately i'm clumsy so it usually is awkward when i do try to but That shouldn't stop me ...i should keep trying.
Therefore...next time i will be on top and I will use the tips I learned today from big boobed bimbos.