Writing

I don't care if you're tired of this broken record. I don't care because I am not writing for anyone but myself. i am one who truly believes that writing is an escape, It can help you think, help you make up you're mind, maybe it will kill me or maybe it will save me.

I need to write. I feel like if I don't write it down It will strangle me. Like when I'm about to start crying and the lump forms in my throat. I have to release the pressure that builds.

I am still having trouble coming to grips with my loss. I am still crazy jealous. I still want him more than ever and now he is moving even further from me. I know he isn't doing this on purpose but it's adding salt to an open wound.
He's moving in with a friend of mine, a girl who likes sex alot. She is infamous for her sexual drive.
He finds the one girl I would not want him to move in with and moves another hour away. If I ever want to see him I will have to drive 2 and a half hours to get to see him. I know he will never drive to see me because he struggled to do so when I was only an hour away. I drove almost everytime we saw each other this year. For some reason this doesn't phase him.

I know I shouldn't be writing this. I wish he didn't know how much I was hurting. I want to stop hurting so bad but it doesn't go away. I have been doing better. I thought I was at least.

I stand in the window at work everyday and when I am not passing out money or talking to customers I am thinking. Sometimes I have to bend to my knees and tell myself that i will be ok otherwise I wouldn't get through a shift.
The pain is nothing like I have ever felt before. I feel like I have to constantly remind myself I am not dying.

I talked with my mom today. She, like everyone else tells me this is a good thing for me. they all tell me I need to date. They tell me I need to go out with other guys. they tell me I need to move on.
The problem is not going out with other guys. I know of at least 2 guys right now who have wanted to take me out. I can get guys.
I am not worried that i am unattractive, I am not worried that i would eventually find someone that I like. None of that is what is killing me.

What no one seems to understand is how much I loved him. He way he eats drives me crazy but even so it makes me laugh. He is so cute. he makes constant jokes, but he can always make me feel better. even through this when ever I wasn't pissing me off he was able to make me smile.
His truck is a disaster, his room looks like a hurricane went through it with no hint of ever being cleaned. He doesn't wash his clothes sometimes and starts to stink. With all of these random flaws, I love them . I love his flaws. I didn't at first. It used to really piss me off that he couldn't clean up after himself but it grew on me, its like a joke. I just laugh and smile when I walk into his room. I just smile when i push bottles over in his truck.
I just offer to clean his sheets and I would offer to clean his clothes.

Sure I can go out with John Eassey when I get back to gainesville or nick frasier. I could find a guy at a bar and go out with him.
I won't.
Maybe I am torturing myself. In fact I know I am just torturing myself by constantly rehashing what i have lost instead of looking to the future.
A part of me takes comfort in sobbing because it is real, it is pure. A part of me holds on for dear life to josh. A part of me can not let him go no matter how much I would like to not feel this way.

I don't blame josh, he is just doing what I needed to do two years ago. I blame myself because I can not let him go. He has let me go, a long time ago. But I never let him go not even when I was with someone else. I never did let him go.
I realize how selfish that is. I realize I did bad things, manipulating him. Trying to make him jealous when he was already hurting. I didn't know I wasn't feeling what he felt because I was still holding onto him and he was trying to let go.
I wish so badly that I had not done those things. I wish i could take it back but I can't I know that the reason I did those things was because i wanted him here and he went back to orange park. I wanted to guilt him into seeing me. that was wrong.
Now, even though I am not trying to make him feel guilty I do.
All I want is for him to never stop loving me like I never stopped loving him and holding onto him. it doesnt seem fair that I was so blind. That the whole time I thought I had him I only had his fear of being alone.