be careful what you wish for...

The funny thing about this is that I wanted Josh to date because I knew when he did he would realize what he had.
The thing I forgot to think about was the fact that he may take his dating experience much further than me.
Well that has come to pass.
I got exactly what I wanted...just like I wished he is dating someone else. He is having sex with someone else. Just perfect.

The truth is I am almost done with my problems with breathing, I can breathe now. Sometimes I have to take an extra breath to regain myself. I will still cry sometimes. I think that my sobbing is over.

I hope it is.

I went to gainesville yesterday, My mom couldn't stand me crying all day on my day off. She made me get out and I love her for that.
I cried the entire way there and the entire way back but on my way back I cried for different reasons.
When I got there I was a wreck then I talked to my roomie and she put me and my thoughts into perspective, they helped me to organize my thoughts.
When I came back I wasn't crying because I was falling apart without Josh. I was crying because I knew it was over. I finally excepted that we won't get back together anytime soon if at all.

When I got home I made a list. I wrote down all the things I was hurt by, all the things I still didn't understand and needed answers to, and not the sugar coated version I knew I had been getting to spare my feelings. This time It had to be real.

I probably shouldn't have called him but I did. It was the first time I knew I could talk to him without tearing up.
So I did call him and we had a long talk. It was good talk because we need to get on the same page.
I needed the truth. The real truth.

I got it.
He told me that he did have sex with her, I didn't cry. I already knew it but that didn't stop me from hurting just because I was right.
I didn't want to be right but I was. Yay for me I can tell what is going on...woohoo. who fucking cares. I didn't want to be right.
I needed to know if he had slept with her from his mouth because I knew when he said yes that it would change everything. It did change everything.
1) because I didn't know he was that kind of person
2) because I never thought he could sleep with someone he just met.
3) because I never knew who he was could change that drastically.
4) because I never thought he could do that to me, even though he didn't do it to hurt me and we aren't together, It did hurt me and he knew it would. I never would have done that. I never did anything major with the other guys I dated.
5) because I thought we had the same morals.
6) because we lost something we had when they had sex. He tainted what we had. He changed what we had for five years in the matter of 30 mins of passion.
7) Because it makes me think of him differently
8) because I cant trust him the way I used to, completely and openly with everything.
9) because I will never be the same again.
10) because I needed a number 10.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I do understand that he didn't cheat on me. I do understand he had no intention of getting back together.
The thing that bothers me the most is that he is a different person to me now.
I know My josh is still in there or at least I hope a part of him is but this changed who is he, at least to me.
I hate him so much for doing this. When he was hurting I didn't go out and have sex with some guy. I did meet other people, I did make out with other guys. I never did that to him though. I couldn't have.
I guess that is the difference between me and josh, even though I wanted to date other people I never stopped loving him, but he stopped loving me.

I am trying to keep an open mind. I am trying to think that almost everyone has more than one partner in their lifetime. I am trying to think of this as an adult. That it was just an act. It was just a physical act that means nothing. It is hard. It means something to me. Even when Josh and I were having sex all the time, it felt like it was just sex, it felt like we weren't in love at that time and we were just using each other. Maybe we were using each other like he and that girl are using each other.
It just felt different because I actually did love him. And not his definition of love that he has for me, a friend love and that is it. I have never really just thought of him as a friend.
He has been a friend with benefits at times. But those benefits weren't just sex, they were holding each other and kissing and being there for each other emotionally.

I can not believe that he loves me when he is capable of having sex with some girl he barely knows But now I know the truth. He doesn't love me, not in the way I thought he did.

I know he will always care for me. I know he will always care about me. But now that I know he can;t see us getting back together and he doesnt love me that way anymore. That makes things different.
I thought we were going through the same things. I thought he just needed to see people like I needed to see other people and go out and meet other people. Now I know he wasn't doing this to eventually get back together with me Like I was thinking when I went through this.

Things are different. I wish I knew sooner how over me and us he really is and it seems has been.

Now we just have our friendship left. I know we will be ok. I know this because I didn't cry on the phone, even when he told me the one thing that could make me hurt more than I already did.
I didn;t cry last night. I teared up this morning when i woke up and could picture him having sex with someone else but that is to be expected right now.

It doesnt seem like it from the way I have been acting and the way I have been writing in this blog but I really am starting to feel ok. I don't know how long this peace will last but right now I am holding onto it for dear life.

I wish I knew how long it will take me to be in love again. I wish I knew how long it will take me to not wish for what he had.
I do know that no matter what happens he will wake up one day just as I did, He will wake up and wish he could go back to what we had. He may never regret what he is doign now but he will regret that he had to go through this to be back where I am. When he does wake up and realize what I have already realized I hope that I am not long gone. If I am long gone I hope he doesn't have to hurt like I am hurting.

We will be ok because I know us, as josh and cristy, we are mature enough to be friends. We are close enough to remain friends. I don't know when it will stop being awkward but I have complete faith Everything will be ok.