Habits are hard to break

It's been days now since I started my new habit. My new habit is crying. First, It started off strong. I cried all the time. All day it seemed. Next, Oh wait, I still cry all the time.
well, thats not entirely true. The only time i sob uncontrollably now is when I am alone. I seem to hate being alone now. It's not even that I hate being alone really, its more that being by myself for any given amount of time causes my mind to race and the tears to fall. I start to scream a little at first. The screaming turns into loss of breathe. I have to gasp to breathe and then the free flowing tears fall with the most incredible quickness.
(side note: I am not saying this to hurt josh, I am not saying this to pass blame on my time of pain. I am saying this to get it out of my system temporarily between crying spurts and to try and understand how and why I am doing this.
The only time I have ever stopped crying on my own, that is without the help of sleep, is when he has touched me or held me.
He is my poison and my antidote.
I am going to try and hold back my anger and try to be understanding. I want so badly to be ok again. I want so badly to be able to fall asleep in my own bed with out the throbbing head ache from sobbing for hours.
He asks, "what can I do?, what do u want me to do?"
My response, "love me more, don't like her".
I know that no one will ever love him like I love him. I know that no one will ever understand him and want him as badly as I do.
I also know that I need my space at one time from our relationship to explore and now he needs the same thing.
What I didn't know then was how every little thing hurt so bad that ripping out my eyes or tearing off my ears would be seemingly more kind.
I don't know how to better describe my pain then, I feel like someone is ripping out my heart.
I know that he will always love me. He has not always been IN LOVE with me. I have to accept that he may love another. He will almost certainly have sex with another. I am powerless to stop it.
I have had fantasies of kicking him in the balls, of going to Ruby Tuesday's and asking for her to be my server which is when I will throw my water...with lemon (for the sting) into her eyes.
I would never do either. I'm pretty sure I will never step foot in another Ruby Tuesday's for as long as this pain is slowly killing my soul.
I feel like an empty shell of raw emotions. Cristy is not here right now, please leave a message.
Acting as cristy at this time is her over emotional sidekick. she's a little crazy so watch what you say.
Ok, I must be getting better because I am able to see humor in my immense pain.
It all is bad right now. It is very bad. If anyone asks how I am doing I simply tell the truth, which is "no i am honestly not ok." The asker replies, "are u going to be ok, is there anything I can help you with". My response is aways the same, "no I may not be ok for a very long time, Thank you for asking, There is nothing you can do. Just don't let me be alone."
I am afraid to be alone. For the first time in my life, I am truely afraid of being alone.