i still can't breathe

the crying saga continues as I spiral down into the deepest and darkest place I have ever been in my life. I started crying at work tonight and that is the moment I realized that this isn't some emotional pms girly thing. this is real. My life really feels over. It keeps getting worse. I pissed him off. He didn't want to listen to me and I didn't want say everything was ok. I didn't mean to pass blame I wanted him to understand how I am feeling. Instead he uses the past against me. Yes, I know I hurt him as much as he is hurting me. That is in the past and was a mistake. Am I supposed to punish myself forever. I guess he never really forgave me and still holds it all against me. I changed his life for the worse and now the same thing is happening to me. For as long as I can remember he was the person I ran to when I needed comfort or anything. He has always been my rock. Now I am standing in quick sand being pulled into the ground where I will be burried alive. I am very worried for myself. I can't breathe sometimes. I remember when i first hurt him. I cried for 5 hours the same way i have been for the past 4 days. I sat on my bathroom floor and I died because he was hurt. I couldn't take back what I had done and I hated myself for it. We talked and talked and we somehow made it through. looking back I think josh must have just bottled up all of it and pretended nothing had happened. I admitted everything. I wish I were smart enough to see that that was the REAL end. I feel like this last year and a half has been a dream. I feel just like the girl sitting on the bathroom floor again crying because she made a mistake that cost her the best thing that ever happened to her. It is history repeating itself. Josh is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's so surreal that we are really over. I guess we have been since then but I didn't know it. I wish I could remember the good times. Josh and I have had some of the best memories. We have shared a great love. I can't grip my mind fully over what I have lost. I believe the reason I am crying so much is because little by little it is sinking in that I may never again feel that love. I may never again be loved the way he loved me. I may never again feel the kind of joy that I had with him. I can't breath...