a bit of self help

Josh and I are not going to be seeing each other for some time, the length is unknown and depends on me alone.

To get through this difficult time in my life I have began research on surviving the loss of a loved one. I know josh isn't dead but since he won't be in my life for any given period of time, I should treat the situation as if he is truely gone from me. At least that is how the experts have described it so far in my research.
here is what I have found. I am not sure it will help me but I didn't cry at all last night even though things came up that would normally spiral me down into depression. I was ok. I slept almost soundly, with the exception of being woken by concerned friends and family about my recent behaviors.
Thank God for them but sometimes I feel that I am alone because I knwo that I have to go through this on my own. I wish someone could help. I don't think anyone can. I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I am on my own with this and it has to make me stronger because other wise I die.

How to Heal When a Loved One Leaves

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 Source: By Wendy Bridger

"Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn’t working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you’ve started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.
In some ways, loosing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same.
That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies don’t taste right, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of the loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD.
Short and simple, this is what grieving is...
Learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are.

So, what do we do?
How do we go on after they are gone?

I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed or ended, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don’t feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life without them. When my father in law lost his dad last year, he hung a picture of him up in the living room. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving them a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them. I had a friend who’s little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, I remember burning every picture I had of an ex-boyfriend when I finally came to terms that he was gone and I needed to move on.

Another thing, you usually don’t ever “get over it.” Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it’s easy to realize that replacing it with something else would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having them again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, and brownies. So, even if you aren’t going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn’t easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it’s going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one. "

I will hold onto the song "broken" by seether because Josh thinks of us when he hears it, I agree.
We both love each other so much that we don't want to see the other hurt. he wants to take away my pain, and I wanted to take his away.


I feel like I can't live without him sometimes but i realize I can live without him. I just don't want to.