Broken Record

~~~~~~~~Warning: if your name is corey do not read this...thanks!~~~~~~~~~~
I have a lot to think about. This isn't easy. I hope you all know that.

I certainly hope you can grasp your mind around the idea of knowingly and purposefully destroying what could be the purpose of your existence.
I have made this year the year of decisions. Unfortunately so far the only decision I have finished making is that I won't be completing U.F with the intent on becoming a Veterinarian. It took a lot of thought and I cried many times over my failures. I eventually made the decision to go after something else when the cliche' "piss or get off the pot" began to overcome my life.
Here it goes again.
This time it isn't my career and the work that I will be doing on this earth. This time it is much more.
This time it includes someone else's life and the future happiness of us both.
I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to so there is no need to spell it out for you.

I didn't really give an ultimatum but it certainly could have been taken that way. What I did do was put myself in a position that forces me to also make up my mind.
I have several options, Only one is pulling at my heart. I know what my gut tells me. I know what my head tells me and I know what my heart tells me.
The only trouble is I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know if i'm forcing something that we just wouldn't let die or if this feeling in the pit of my stomach that says it's the real deal is influenced too heavily by a fantasy created by countless chick flicks/disney movies and overall fiction literature or my innate yearning to love and be loved.

I can rule a few things out for the skeptics.
1) we are more than a good friendship taken too far.
2) there are somethings that are worth fighting for and I am at least 90% sure that at the very least our friendship is one of them and on most days our love is also.
3) I have dated. And how many people does it take to be wrong to know who is right?...no one has a good number so why can't it be one or two?
4) We have faced COUNTLESS adversities and yet here we still are...
5)This isn't something that can be cut off...we tried that.
6) it's more than loyalty...loyalty implies duty not wanting.
7) A part of both of us would die without the other, of this I am certain. ( I don't mean this in the creepy we can't live without each other way...yuck. I mean this in the way that no matter who you are if you spend the majority of 5 years with someone both in actual time and in metaphorical relationship there is going to be a part of you missing without that other person. That's just natural)

Trust me I see that I am hung up. I get that, but everyone thought it was cute when he was hung up on me. That's a double standard.
I get it! I'm only 21 the whole world thinks I should be out dating and essentially being a hoe like half the girls my age. Guess what? I have never been that type nor will I ever be.
I will always be a one man woman and I will never go out looking for people to meet in that manner. That is just how i am. I have always dated really good friends of mine...even when i did my dating phase. ALL FRIENDS ALREADY.

What i really started off wanting to say was that I don't know yet if this is real. I don't think anyone ever knows for sure. What i ended up doing was defending my relationship and feelings.
I don't know what that means or how it helps me but I just needed to write.