I know I am stupid

Believe me, I know no woman should put them self through what I am doing. I guess I feel that sense he survived me doing this to him I should be able to handle it in reverse.

I promise you all I will be ok.

I realized last night that I am fucking hot. There are plenty of guys out there who would give anything to find a girl like me.

I know that now.

They maybe creeps, assholes, jerks, retards, and whatever else. They sure as hell aren't Josh and I have to accept that. I am going to be ok. I have to be ok because I am a survivor.

Josh can not be the only great guy out there for me. There has to be more, there just has to be.

I wanted to marry Josh. I wanted to love him and only him for the rest of my life. I could see us having the "perfect" life together. We even talked about our kids names. I could see us being the one couple who really made it til death do us part. well, now we know that if we ever did get married we wouldn't have ever divorced. I mean look how far we have come just to stay friends/and more. There is no way in hell divorce would have split us, We can't even split us even though we both think we should sometimes. Nor distance, time, etc. That says a lot about both of us.

Well as great as that dream was, it just isn't coming to pass. Perhaps one day if we get our timing right we could end up together. I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I need to focus on school and not Josh. I need to accept that Josh and I are not together. he does not want to be with me and I can not force him to love me. If I have any chance to stay friends with him I can not mess that up. Right now I am ruining what we had. I am not honoring or preserving it, I am being stupid. I have to be ok.



I am going to be ok.